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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Be Annoyed at DH's Friends

132 replies

hazydayz · 29/05/2025 19:05

DH was meeting up with some of his friends because one was in town for work, four in total. I have an 11 month old DS and DH told me to come meet them because he wanted his friend one from out of town to meet our son. They were meeting for pizza across London, and it was a big production for me to get DS there, honestly. I arrived at the very end of the meal as a result, but DH didn't care. (Nor did he care about the inconvenience to haul my son all over the city, either.) Now, DS is a very active boy, and I work from home with my own business during evenings and naps, so somewhat flexible but very much bringing in money, and since I'm home, I also do pretty much all the SAHM stuff too. Well, the men showed very little interest in DS (or me), as they preferred to talk to each other, which was fine but made the ordeal feel pointless, and not long after I arrived, the two local friends said they had to get going and started saying that their wives were home with their one-month old babies (both their firsts), and so they were going to be packing up all the rest of the food to bring back to their wives and then they started loading the pizza into boxes and dividing it between the two of them. They made this big production about their poor wives, how exhausted they were, and DH and the friend from out of town were all in agreement, yes, those poor tired mums, bring them all the rest of the food to make their lives a little easier! I was sitting there with a baby on my actual lap, having just rushed all around London to meet them after minding my son and working all day, and I had not yet eaten. Sure, a newborn is tough but an 11-month old boy who is now walking and getting into everything is a lot of work, too! I would have loved to have my day made easier too! I just felt like somehow all these men thought these wives with one-month olds deserved better treatment than me. I was the only woman at the table--and I was with a BABY!

When I said something to DH afterward about how I am a tired mother of a baby too and that he should have spoken up about the food on the table, he said he knew we could just get more food later... I wish I had just stayed home. I just felt...invisible. Like did I have to wave my son in the air to remind these four men that I was also a mum with a baby?

OP posts:
Weaponofchoice · 30/05/2025 04:23

This is a husband problem not a friend problem. You should have plonked the kid on his lap and said “There you go… Hope this was worth it..” and fed yourself

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 30/05/2025 04:50

Endofyear · 29/05/2025 20:37

No way would I have dragged myself and an 11 month old across London to meet them, I would have told DH that if he wants his friends to meet the baby they can home to your house to see him! Why on earth did you do it? I wouldn't have been angry with DHs friends but I would have been cross with him if he didn't order you some food and drink when you arrived.

This...

  1. I wonder if dh had said.. "You'd love to meet sprog-I think op will pop in.." . Etc.

They can't really say 'no all babies look the same /we're having a blokes evening /I'd rather watch paint dry.

  1. even if they were genuinely interested... Surely you VISIT the family?? And not expect a mum to transport a squirming child acorss London??

Sorry, but it would kill the vibe for me if some ones partner arrived with a young child... I'd feel duty bound to coo for 5 mins and then bugger off as my adults evening would either mean the convo would turn to children!

I love kids but not on an evening out!

Eastie77Returns · 30/05/2025 05:05

GailTheSnail · 29/05/2025 20:48

I'd have found it irritating that the men seemed to portray themselves as heroes for taking home cold pizza for their partners. I would have felt tempted to suggest maybe the men could stay home next time and let their poor exhausted wives actually eat hot food in a restaurant. Heroes don't bring home congealed cheese

It doesn’t sound like they were portraying themselves as heroes. They were just packing up leftovers. Perhaps one of the wives texted and asked her husband to bring home a couple of slices. Perhaps they do sometimes stay at home while their wives go out. Or the wives might prefer to be at home atm rather than traipsing to a restaurant for food.

How can any of us possibly know? It’s so odd that a couple of new dads meeting for a meal are automatically labelled selfish. The assumptions people make about other people’s lives on MN are so bizarre!

Tourmalines · 30/05/2025 05:17

Eastie77Returns · 30/05/2025 05:05

It doesn’t sound like they were portraying themselves as heroes. They were just packing up leftovers. Perhaps one of the wives texted and asked her husband to bring home a couple of slices. Perhaps they do sometimes stay at home while their wives go out. Or the wives might prefer to be at home atm rather than traipsing to a restaurant for food.

How can any of us possibly know? It’s so odd that a couple of new dads meeting for a meal are automatically labelled selfish. The assumptions people make about other people’s lives on MN are so bizarre!

Show quote history

I know . Such ridiculous assumptions.

Helpmeplease2025 · 30/05/2025 06:24

Yabu. One month is much harder than 11 months.

I doubt they were bothered you came, tbh someone’s wife turning up with their baby is a sure-fire way to end a night out with the lads.

If you want more care from your DH, talk to him, but the other men didn’t owe you anything, it’s really odd you think this.

Taking a child into London really isn’t an ‘ordeal’ either, if you really think this, then you should have just said no in the first place.

Notashamed13 · 30/05/2025 06:48

Yabu for doing it in the first place.

Sofiewoo · 30/05/2025 06:52

I just felt like somehow all these men thought these wives with one-month olds deserved better treatment than me.

Of course they thought that, it’s their wife. Your DH is the one who’s supposed to put your first not his random friends.

You got the train with an 11month old, you’re making a mountain out of this.

EdithBond · 30/05/2025 07:22

Why be annoyed with the friends?

TBF, if a friend’s partner turned up (with baby or not, but even more so with a baby) I’d offer them a drink while they get settled with their partner. I’d ask if they’d eaten. It’s courteous. But lots of people aren’t any more.

It sounds like you didn’t want to go. So why not say you didn’t want to go? You’ve been working all day, you haven’t eaten, it’s inconvenient to haul your son all over the city, if DP wants his friend to meet his son he can take him to meet up with him etc. Also, when you arrived at the end of the meal, why didn’t you say: “I’m hungry, any of this pizza going spare. If not, I’ll order another”.

Don’t do anything you don’t want to do. Best to be assertive.

Hwi · 30/05/2025 07:22

Ordeal?

IamnotSethRogan · 30/05/2025 07:32

It was just a bit annoying but I don't really think anyone's at fault. It was nice for DH to want his friend to meet his son. If it was that much of a pain you could have just said no. Similarly you were in a restaurant so could have easily ordered something.

People with newborns are in a bit of a bubble. While I agree 11 month olds are very awkward with their activity, it is still a bit different to just having a baby. They were just trying to do something nice for their wives really.

AgnesX · 30/05/2025 07:32

I think you're equally as daft tbh. Since when does the average man on a boys' meet-up want to meet someone elses baby.

You should have told your DH that it wasn't really an option especially at the end of the day when your child should have been in the bedtime routine.

I do know someone who would have thought that it was an excellent idea unfortunately so your DH isn't alone in being lacking in wit.

Whaleandsnail6 · 30/05/2025 07:40

I think you are being a bit dramatic!

Yabu for being angry at the friends...they weren't the ones who invited you and were being kind thinking about their wives

Sounds like your husband wanted to show off his baby but it was ill thought out. He didn't think you would find it such a mission to get there and didn't factor in that by the time you got there the meal would pretty much be over. Sounds like he got caught up in excitement of his baby meeting his friends but didn't think about the effort ot logistics

Why on earth didn't you pop baby on your husband's knee and go and get yourself some food once you got there though?
Or you and your husband stay out a bit with your baby after they left to make it worth it? The whole situation sounds a bit daft.

BlueSlate · 30/05/2025 07:41

Tbh, if I'd gone out with my friends and one of their partners turned up at the end of the email with a baby in tow, I'd wonder what on earth they were doing!

If my husband had suggested I did that when our daughter was a baby I'd have been a bit WTF and said no.

Your husband was a fool for suggesting it and you were a fool for going along with it.

It's not even about them being men and men aren't interested in babies. No one is interested in having an adult evening out gatecrashed by a partner and a baby

His friends really, really didn't do anything wrong.

FrenchandSaunders · 30/05/2025 07:45

Where do you live? Why was it such an effort to get into London with a baby? People do that all the time with more than one.

Stowickthevast · 30/05/2025 07:46

Why didn't you say you were hungry and hadn't eaten?

Agree this is on DH not his friends. It's sweet that he wants to show off DS but also obvious that no-one else is going to be that interested. Generally people's children are not interesting to people who aren't their family!

Cornishclio · 30/05/2025 07:46

I personally wouldn’t have dragged a child across London to meet a group of men and would have told your husband no from the outset. At the very least you should have ordered food or helped yourself to some of the food ordered. Your DH is inconsiderate and his friends are just thoughtless men. Don’t put yourself out next time and make your DH babysit while you got out with your friends.

Gall10 · 30/05/2025 07:49

I think you’re being unreasonable…but just think of those poor new mums who had cold, hard, dry pizza after a day of looking after newborns!

DrummingMousWife · 30/05/2025 07:54

It’s you DH with issues here, not his friends. He didn’t take care of his wife and child, his friends were taking care of theirs .

Winter2020 · 30/05/2025 07:59

I would imagine the men would have each ordered their own pizzas and taken home their own leftovers.

I think you are actually angry with yourself for agreeing to this pointless plan when it didn't put you or your baby first. If you arrived hungry you should have just ordered food or asked your husband to order it for you.

Ellie1015 · 30/05/2025 08:06

You should be annoyed at dh. When you arrived he should have taken dc to introduce to his friend and you should have ordered food. He should have included you in the conversation. Also the other dhs may have just wanted the leftovers and using "poor wives" as an excuse.

Reality is that he shouldn't have asked you to come, the intention was nice to introduce child but it was an adult catch up and doesnt seem like the right time, and far too much effort for you and dc. I dont see that the friends did anything wrong.

TheGreyQuail · 30/05/2025 08:08

Most men aren't bothered about babies, and a lot not even their own. So why would dh ask you to take your son?
H is the problem here not his mates, but why didn't you speak up and have some pizza? Ordering and eating while h looked after his son?

sweetgingercat · 30/05/2025 08:14

Your DH is obviously not going to stand up for you like those men standing up for their wives. So you’re going to have to stand up for yourself. There’s no point being passive aggressive about it (which is what you are being). Tell him no, you are not binging your baby across London at 11pm because it doesn’t suit you or the baby and when he comes back, bring a takeaway pizza please. Be direct. See where the problem lies (DH for asking, you for agreeing) and solve the problem.

It’s nothing to do with those men and their ‘poor’ wives. You are angry because DH doesn’t treat you the same way, justifiably so in my view, so that’s the problem you have to solve.

Sofiewoo · 30/05/2025 08:19

BlueSlate · 30/05/2025 07:41

Tbh, if I'd gone out with my friends and one of their partners turned up at the end of the email with a baby in tow, I'd wonder what on earth they were doing!

If my husband had suggested I did that when our daughter was a baby I'd have been a bit WTF and said no.

Your husband was a fool for suggesting it and you were a fool for going along with it.

It's not even about them being men and men aren't interested in babies. No one is interested in having an adult evening out gatecrashed by a partner and a baby

His friends really, really didn't do anything wrong.

All he suggested was she come and meet him and this friends for a casual pizza dinner with their nearly 1 year old. There’s nothing foolish about it, it’s a perfectly normal thing to meet friends for dinner or bring your older baby for dinner!

Some of these comments are wild 😂

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 30/05/2025 08:27

I voted you were being unreasonable, but only because your directing your anger at the wrong person. It's not the friends that are the problem, it's your husband, (and a little bit you). He was the one who dragged you across London, he was the one who didn't sort food for you. Equally, you could have said "No, it's too much faff", and "I want some food"

Hoppinggreen · 30/05/2025 08:32

It sounds crappy and your DH didn't behave well but i think you have to take some responsibility for actually going in the first place
I imagine these men had very little interest in you or your baby as they were a bunch of friends meeting for pizza and a few drinks and whilee they could have been a bit more considerate I don't really understand why you went, especially since it was such a faff to get there

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