Page 6 | To Be Annoyed at DH's Friends

NoctuaAthene · 30/05/2025 12:30

Having originally been on the OP is UR side for all the reasons everyone's saying, now she's been flamed by everyone else I'll just put the contrary side that I can see where she's coming from. I do get what she means about the OTT fuss that can sometimes be made by friends, relatives, even OHs over the newborn phase compared to the relative disinterest in the baby once they're a bit older (and also the huge fuss that is made over a first born comparative to 2nd one onwards).

I know everyone's experience is different and of course I was super grateful for all the help and attention when my first was brand new, and knew that was only ever going to be a short term thing, but actually looking back the early days when I only had one were a piece of piss compared to when I had to go back to work full time and also juggle childcare etc for a 1 year old which in turn was easy compared to being sick as a dog/knackered from pregnancy with no 2 whilst running round after a toddler, which then again was bliss compared to looking after a colicky newborn and tantrumming toddler at the same time, yet funnily enough none of my friends and family were that keen on coming anywhere near us with the two together whereas they'd all been endlessly up for newborn cuddles and bringing us homemade meals and hampers etc with the first 😂. Plus on the relationship front when we first brought newborn PFB home we were both on leave and super gentle, kind, considerate to one another whereas by the time we were in the trenches of exhaustion of full time work alongside pre school parenting it was every man for himself and absolutely plausible a ding-dong row could have broken out about leftover pizza ending with both of us feeling thoroughly unloved and unappreciated. That phase does pass though OP I promise!

toottoot3 · 30/05/2025 12:52

I think this might be a good learning moment for you, your baby is 11 months old and you hopefully have learned that jumping to husband's whims gets you no where.
Yes you should have ate, been helped and appreciated, but I imagine husband already has no further thoughts on the matter. He got what he wanted, company, dinner, pals seen his kid and then company traveling home, baby looked after whilst he enjoys himself - lucky him! He asked for it and got it.
Plenty of women on here years down the line complaining about still not feeling heard, I feel the same way myself looking back at all the things I did to make others feel better without any bother about me and wish I had approached my well being with as much care and consideration. I'm working on changing that.
Still help you husband, but ask questions, what's the point in me turning up after a meal? Will you be dealing with kid whilst I eat dinner you order for me whilst 10 mins away, what are we doing afterwards. Get him working out few things which benefit you too, you could have dropped baby off for an hour and done something you fancy, then meet up and travel home together. Your not wrong for feeling uncared for (the friends have no responsibility towards you) listen to that voice and ensure your not going down same road for next 10/20 years till you finally break. Your not asking for anything more than he is and you deserve it too. Women, myself included are so wrapped up in caring for our young kids we kind of just keep spreading our energy to make it easy for everyone.

Goditsmemargaret · 30/05/2025 13:31

I think the friends sound nice because they were thinking about and praising their wives. It's a pity your DH didn't do the same. I would be annoyed with him.

aNewMe2025 · 30/05/2025 13:53

hazydayz · 29/05/2025 19:05

DH was meeting up with some of his friends because one was in town for work, four in total. I have an 11 month old DS and DH told me to come meet them because he wanted his friend one from out of town to meet our son. They were meeting for pizza across London, and it was a big production for me to get DS there, honestly. I arrived at the very end of the meal as a result, but DH didn't care. (Nor did he care about the inconvenience to haul my son all over the city, either.) Now, DS is a very active boy, and I work from home with my own business during evenings and naps, so somewhat flexible but very much bringing in money, and since I'm home, I also do pretty much all the SAHM stuff too. Well, the men showed very little interest in DS (or me), as they preferred to talk to each other, which was fine but made the ordeal feel pointless, and not long after I arrived, the two local friends said they had to get going and started saying that their wives were home with their one-month old babies (both their firsts), and so they were going to be packing up all the rest of the food to bring back to their wives and then they started loading the pizza into boxes and dividing it between the two of them. They made this big production about their poor wives, how exhausted they were, and DH and the friend from out of town were all in agreement, yes, those poor tired mums, bring them all the rest of the food to make their lives a little easier! I was sitting there with a baby on my actual lap, having just rushed all around London to meet them after minding my son and working all day, and I had not yet eaten. Sure, a newborn is tough but an 11-month old boy who is now walking and getting into everything is a lot of work, too! I would have loved to have my day made easier too! I just felt like somehow all these men thought these wives with one-month olds deserved better treatment than me. I was the only woman at the table--and I was with a BABY!

When I said something to DH afterward about how I am a tired mother of a baby too and that he should have spoken up about the food on the table, he said he knew we could just get more food later... I wish I had just stayed home. I just felt...invisible. Like did I have to wave my son in the air to remind these four men that I was also a mum with a baby?

dhs friends aren't responsible for whether or not you eat and they probably just assumed you have already eaten. its your dh that you should be upset with. first off what was the point in going in the first place? if his friend ever wants to see your baby he can come to you. it just seems like your dh is clueless w this kind of stuff. id be upset with him but I wouldn't stay mad over it. id just tell him having you go was pointless, obvsly he wants to show his baby off and that's fine but there's another time for that. as for you and eating, yes he should've asked if you've eaten. this is all about him TBH with you and not his friends.

tuvamoodyson · 30/05/2025 15:29

Yolo12345 · 29/05/2025 23:20

You have to learn to put your child first. Is it in his interest to go across London and be put on display. No.

You also have to put yourself first. Was it in your interest to join DH and his drinking mates? No.

Lessen learned . You have to do what’s best for you and do not compromise your own needs.

Was it in the friend’s interest to meet an 11 month old baby??

ButteredRadish · 30/05/2025 17:17

They were definitely rude & insensitive by not even acknowledging you. But come on, OP we’ve all been there in those first few weeks after having a baby and discovering a whooooole new facet of tiredness (especially if Colic and/Reflux appears <eye twitches slightly>). I’m absolutely not downplaying how hard it is for you with a baby the age of yours (I remember it well) but perhaps they (inc. your DH), were thinking that as you were out, you were in a position to get yourself something. Your DH could take over with the baby and you could order something. The mums stuck at home who’ve probs been so all day with their newborn, can’t really do that as easily, can they?

littlemisspigg · 30/05/2025 22:13

hazydayz · 29/05/2025 19:05

DH was meeting up with some of his friends because one was in town for work, four in total. I have an 11 month old DS and DH told me to come meet them because he wanted his friend one from out of town to meet our son. They were meeting for pizza across London, and it was a big production for me to get DS there, honestly. I arrived at the very end of the meal as a result, but DH didn't care. (Nor did he care about the inconvenience to haul my son all over the city, either.) Now, DS is a very active boy, and I work from home with my own business during evenings and naps, so somewhat flexible but very much bringing in money, and since I'm home, I also do pretty much all the SAHM stuff too. Well, the men showed very little interest in DS (or me), as they preferred to talk to each other, which was fine but made the ordeal feel pointless, and not long after I arrived, the two local friends said they had to get going and started saying that their wives were home with their one-month old babies (both their firsts), and so they were going to be packing up all the rest of the food to bring back to their wives and then they started loading the pizza into boxes and dividing it between the two of them. They made this big production about their poor wives, how exhausted they were, and DH and the friend from out of town were all in agreement, yes, those poor tired mums, bring them all the rest of the food to make their lives a little easier! I was sitting there with a baby on my actual lap, having just rushed all around London to meet them after minding my son and working all day, and I had not yet eaten. Sure, a newborn is tough but an 11-month old boy who is now walking and getting into everything is a lot of work, too! I would have loved to have my day made easier too! I just felt like somehow all these men thought these wives with one-month olds deserved better treatment than me. I was the only woman at the table--and I was with a BABY!

When I said something to DH afterward about how I am a tired mother of a baby too and that he should have spoken up about the food on the table, he said he knew we could just get more food later... I wish I had just stayed home. I just felt...invisible. Like did I have to wave my son in the air to remind these four men that I was also a mum with a baby?

Sorry OP I think it's on you- twice over...
First you agree to a stupid plan...if said friend is so interested in meeting your DS, he can very well make the trip, rather than two people trudging all over town. Do you always follow instructions from your DH without thinking for yourself or your child at all? Time to stop.

Secondly, if you've already made the first mistake, why can't you ask for food/ order food yourself? You say you work and bring in money and can clearly travel across London with a baby, so surely you can order food for yourself? You have a voice. Use it. You earn your own money- use it.

Third, after all this, I hope you've understood that your DH is not on your side, and is not thinking of yours or your DS's interests. He's only interested in showing off to others, at YOUR expense .

Use your own judgement next time.
Lessons learnt.
Hugs and love, hope you managed some rest and a dinner. 💗💗