Cousin-in-law’s Wedding Restrictions on spouses.

[Notmotherofflowergirls]

Mother-in-law’s nephew is getting married but I am not invited and neither are any other partners of cousins . I am upset as unfashionable as this is on mumsnet, I love a wedding.

Husband’s brothers-in-law are thrilled that they don’t have to be dragged to an in-law wedding. I would refer to it as a family wedding.

The Groom wrote a letter to all of his 11 first cousins explaining his reasons. I think it’s great that he has included his cousins. It will be nice for them.

I am upset but unreasonable to be so. I am not being singled out.

Now here is my AIBU at last! I was going to stay in the hotel, a really nice one with a spa, I know another cousin’s husband was going too as well to play golf there.

Cousin has now written to everyone again saying that they understand that some spouses are going to the ceremony (I was most definitely NOT going to do this) and taking advantage of the venue’s amenities. He has said that he just wanted to say that a bar was reserved just for this invited guests the night before , this hadn’t occurred to me. There will be no further capacity for the evening (I did think, hope, that they might invite me in for a dance (I have NEVER mentioned this to anyone)and he was hoping guests would all have breakfast together.

What does everyone think? Fair enough for the wedding but all the other restrictions????

I once went to a cousin's wedding which DH (admittedly then still my boyfriend) wasn't invited. My cousin at that stage didn't know DH at all and vice versa.

It was fine. DH (then boyfriend) and I just had a day each doing our own thing.

You aren't invited. Don't just try to sneak in via the back door. Do you and MIL's nephew even know each other? If you do then I can see why you are a bit miffed (though I wouldn't be bothered), but if you don't, or barely, then you shouldn't/can't expect an invitation. Either way, you shouldn't turn up at all.

Just organise yourself something nice to do for the day, perhaps with some friends.

It really doesn’t. Your ideas of ‘classy’ are quite strange. It ‘screams’ ‘someone sanely enough prioritising actual family members over spouses they may barely have met’.

Half the time the reason people’s spouses are invited, or a guest is given a +1 is because they may not know anyone else at the wedding. If numbers are limited, and there’s a group where the bride/groom don’t really know the spouses, and the group all know one another and can be seated together and will have a whale of a time, there’s no need to invite spouses, if inviting them means you’d have to leave out actual family or friends.

It would have been smarter to budget properly for the wedding, or chosen an exclusive venue.

They haven’t chosen that at all. They’ve invited their relatives. If their relatives can’t bear to be separated from their spouses for 48 hours they can decline. Nobody has chosen the spouses behaving weirdly (and very rudely).

I don’t know half the spouses and wouldn’t particularly want or need to spend time with them anyway. I just wanted to take advantage of the amenities.

I had absolutely no intention of sneaking into dance or hang around the public bits of the hotel.

I would have liked to go to the Italian restaurant belonging to the hotel and have a drink with my husband and anybody who had been staying the night before and obviously have breakfast in the hotel.

But I won’t go now as I don’t want people to think badly of me like a lot of you do.

Take the hint. They don’t want you there. Just don’t go.

oh come on ' that they might invite me in for a dance ' meant you were going to be hanging around / hoping to be ' seen '

so ' I did not intend to gatecrash the wedding ' is not actually true is it...

I can just see it now you and the other 10 spouses / partners just hoping to be invited in for a dance...

still think this is a wind up...

Or to choose a venue where you could afford to accommodate everyone.

As I said, I know it's an old fashioned view, but if you're going to do it and have 11 couples paying for hotel rooms, you can't be too surprised when someone of them choose to share them with their spouse. Attending a wedding is an expensive business, it doesn't seem unreasonable to me to want to take advantage of a hotel room you've paid for and have a nice weekend of your own while DH is occupied at a wedding.

The hoping for a dance is odd though.

It’s not your fucking wedding and not up to you to decide what is the best decision or budget for someone else’s wedding.

If you do this you are going to make a right tit of yourself. Just happened to be at a wedding you werent invited to and hoping that you will have a dance.

Why this hotel, on this day, and this time? You are just happening to be there hanging around....

Their wedding their rules. I don't think it is that unreasonable of them. I think if looks a bit needy to lurk around the venue when you are not invited.

I remember that, but I think it was a different poster?

Op I would bail out of this thread now. The savaging is inevitable,

Its poor form they couldn’t even manage an evening invite, and poor form splitting up a couple. We wouldn’t go to this kind of wedding, half the fun is enjoying it with your other half!! A massive waste of money really unless you are both going to enjoy it.

I hope whatever you decide you enjoy a fun evening. It’s their loss, you sound like great fun and just the kind to get everyone up and dancing! Nothing worse than an empty dance floor all night - really sours the evening. Anyway not your problem 🙏🏼

Are you one of those people who is surgically attached to their husband at all times? Sometimes couples need to attend events separately. It isn’t the end of the world. I am embarrassed for you. Your mother in law’s nephew? Christ alive.

You did say that you hoped to be invited in for a dance.

From your op it did sound like you wanted to be wedding adjacent enough to tag along.

I hope you find something else to do that weekend. Drinks out with your friends? Visit your side of the family?

I’d go, keep your head down and use spa/visit local tourist attractions etc. Order breakfast in your room and have a lie in. Enjoy your weekend unobtrusively!

Unless they bride and groom have hired the whole hotel for their wedding they CANNOT dictate who stays there.
Personally, I wouldn’t stay elsewhere and give the wedding party a very wide berth, they sound so precious and entitled. FWIW I wouldn’t even send a congratulations card either, but that’s just me.

It’s a cheap way to fill a venue, and of course you have to be a certain type of person to think it’s okay to not invite married spouses or spouses of any kind! A totally shit idea if you haven’t got an exclusive venue especially. They could be sharing the space with all sorts. So their look out I would say.

Really? The OP sounds bonkers. The savaging isnt inevitable. I wonder if this is a wind up? It sounds very strange that someone would do something like this and think they would come out well over this.

Oh I didn’t realise you were his bank manager and had the intimidate details of his financial situation.

The fact is he has a massive family and has cut his cloth accordingly. It doesn’t scream cheapskate it screams ‘sensible man not wanting to start his married life drowning in debt’.

No not ‘embarrassing agreed’ when you are shaming him for his available cash flow whereas I think it’s embarrassing to essentially tag along to something you haven’t been invited to. Do you regularly rock up to events you don’t have an invitation?

Army of spouses? Hyperbolic much…

Ignore the TOWIE type posters. As you can tell, it’s all about maintaining an unrealistic image with that type. Sad really. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think you should go and share the hotel room with your DH and spend the weekend enjoying the rest if the hotel’s facilities and touring the local area.

Other people’s weddings are pretty boring so after enduring the ceremony and meal, your DH will probably be quite keen for some decent company. 😉

I don’t necessarily think the venue size is the issue. I suspect it’s the numbers. 11 extra people you don’t really know (OP says she doesn’t know the other spouses, so it doesn’t look like they socialise) is a big expense. The cousins can decline if they don’t want to pay for a hotel room. Or get up early and drive there in the morning.

OP, its your MIL's nephew getting married - so whilst distantly related, I wouldn't call the nephew 'family.' Its wrong of the bride and groom to exclude spouses but I still think you should be elsewhere that weekend.

..... trailing spouses!😂😂 😂

Are you a wife of another cousin who’s not invited? You’re very invested in this to have commented all that crap.