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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cousin-in-law’s Wedding Restrictions on spouses.

591 replies

Notmotherofflowergirls · 29/05/2025 11:19

Mother-in-law’s nephew is getting married but I am not invited and neither are any other partners of cousins . I am upset as unfashionable as this is on mumsnet, I love a wedding.

Husband’s brothers-in-law are thrilled that they don’t have to be dragged to an in-law wedding. I would refer to it as a family wedding.

The Groom wrote a letter to all of his 11 first cousins explaining his reasons. I think it’s great that he has included his cousins. It will be nice for them.

I am upset but unreasonable to be so. I am not being singled out.

Now here is my AIBU at last! I was going to stay in the hotel, a really nice one with a spa, I know another cousin’s husband was going too as well to play golf there.

Cousin has now written to everyone again saying that they understand that some spouses are going to the ceremony (I was most definitely NOT going to do this) and taking advantage of the venue’s amenities. He has said that he just wanted to say that a bar was reserved just for this invited guests the night before , this hadn’t occurred to me. There will be no further capacity for the evening (I did think, hope, that they might invite me in for a dance (I have NEVER mentioned this to anyone)and he was hoping guests would all have breakfast together.

What does everyone think? Fair enough for the wedding but all the other restrictions????

OP posts:
Flossflower · 29/05/2025 13:17

I think the big question is: Are the hotel rooms for exclusive use of the wedding?

If they are then you should stay well away. YABU
If they are not then there will probably be other people at the bar/breakfast and the groom is being a CF trying to get exclusive use without paying for it.

YABU thinking you might be asked for a dance. Anyone staying at the hotel who is not part of the wedding should stay well away from it.

Shatteredallthetimelately · 29/05/2025 13:18

While it's not unreasonable of you to think, hope, that you might get an invite to have a dance it would be incredibly unreasonable of you to even think about putting this into action off of your own back.

By all means sleep in the room that your DH will be in, unless the groom has paid and stipulated otherwise, and spend the time doing you're own thing but spend the wedding day/evening and even if there's a wedding party breakfast next morning, steering clear of any rooms hired out for sole use of the wedding.

Don't put anyone in the position of feeling they have to invite you to any part of the wedding, you've had plenty of notice of what's been asked.
Equally don't put yourself in a position where you'll look a right fool either.

Original poster
Notmotherofflowergirls · 29/05/2025 13:19

Right I have no idea why people think I am insecure or controlling or desperate for free food and alcohol.

I think it’s sad when close cousins aren’t invited to weddings and I think it would be sadder if they weren’t invited because the couple couldn’t afford the cousins’ spouses. My husband has every right to go to his cousin’s wedding with his family.

The hotel can be booked by anybody, the bridal couple do not have exclusive use of it.

I have as I said, in my original post no intention of going to the ceremony. I think it’s pathetic when people use a clerical rule from medieval times to go to someone’s wedding. Nor did I say I would gatecrash the band in the evening. I secretly hoped I might be invited to have a dance but I most certainly wouldn’t hang around outside the door all doe eyed.

I merely thought I could use the hotel room that my husband has booked and paid for, use the facilities, walk to the stately home in the village and relax.

We had no idea about the bar the night before or the breakfast in the evening. I have no idea if the night before is a free bar or how many guests are staying the night before nor about whether the breakfast the day after is in the public area but husband has actually paid for 2 breakfasts.

I am not going now as I don’t want people in real life to think I have inappropriate intentions like most of you do.

I am totally supportive of them not inviting cousins’ spouses but think the night before and the morning after is a bit precious.

OP posts:
vintagehope · 29/05/2025 13:20

someonehastoberight · 29/05/2025 13:14

unless the hotel has been reserved for wedding guests only the B&G can’t really police who goes and I get why you would want to make a weekend of it and have a spa day. The issue is if you run into any f the guests or the bride/groom it’s a bit awkward . And there’s a risk they may feel like you are encroaching on the day. The groom mentioned the ceremony, is it in a church? They really can’t dictate who attends a public church.

The b&g are being a bit unreasonable, I’d assume the no partners is a financial/numbers decision but areas like the church/public bar or restaurant don’t factor in to that

You’d have to have zero social skills to turn up at those places though. Zero.

GreenSedan · 29/05/2025 13:20

No wedding is worth this amount of cringe.

You aren't invited. Stay somewhere else for the weekend.

Arlanymor · 29/05/2025 13:24

Arquebuse · 29/05/2025 13:04

These posts crack me up.

The OP isn’t being ‘demeaned’, she’s simply not invited to the wedding of her MIL’s nephew. She’s not being singled out. None of the groom’s first cousin’s spouses are invited.

It’s clearly a biggish family, as the groom has written to his 11 first cousins to avoid causing offence and explain why he’s inviting them but not their spouses — presumably because the other options (invite some spouses but not others? Invite some cousins but not others?) are even more complex and likely to cause upset.

And now that it’s been made clear to him that some of the cousins’ spouses are staying in the hotel where the wedding is, he is being clear that those trailing spouses are not invited to a reserved bar the night before the wedding (possibly a free bar, or some paid-for drinks for a certain number, or a room with limited space) and that there’s no capacity for them as evening guests either, but he hopes to see them at breakfast.

Perfectly reasonable, and admirably clearly communicated to avoid disappointment on the day.

No bride and groom want to have to act as bouncers at their own wedding because Cousin Bob’s wife Brenda doesn’t see how she’d be a bother if she just sat in the back row to see the dress, and sat on Bob’s knee and shared his starter at dinner so she could hear the speeches, and got stuck in doing ‘Rock the Boat’ on the dance floor because she’s sure no one will mind.

And Cousin Nigel’s wife Flo thinks if Brenda is doing it, why can’t she, it’s not like anyone will notice, and she brought her fascinator in her golf bag just in case etc etc. And meanwhile the bride is hissing ‘I thought you told them!’ and the groom is saying ‘I did, I swear!’

Show quote history

Bravo. I agree with all of this.

Poor man having to explain his reasoning YET again and insist that people don’t do what they have been explicitly asked not to do. He’ll be looking over his shoulder all the time on the day now, worrying that people are trying to sneak in, rather than enjoying his wedding. He couldn’t have been more clear - why are you trying to disrespect his request? Because that is what you are doing.

FWIW I was once disinvited from a wedding which I was invited to with my then fiancé because his ex was going to be there and she was dreading seeing him, let alone him with someone new. I didn’t try and find a way to edge my way in… I accepted it - she had known the friends who were getting married far longer than me - and went out SOMEWHERE ELSE with some other friends.

Didn’t damage the friendship in the slightest, on account of the fact that I am a grown up. In fact the bride of aforementioned wedding and I are going away for a night to Brecon in August to eat good food and enjoy some live music, just the two of us.

I think your behaviour is appalling and “I love weddings!” is not an excuse for going against the wishes of the couple and in doing so jeopardising their happiness on the day. Selfish, pure and simple.

Shatteredallthetimelately · 29/05/2025 13:24

Did your DH pay for 2 breakfast thinking/knowing it wouldn't be part if the wedding do?

As he's paid for it himself I'd assume it's not part of the do and that you'd be fine to join him for breakfast, you'd probably not all be sat at one large table anyway.

AguNwaanyi · 29/05/2025 13:25

It sounds like you feel left out of the wedding and you want to try to get into the mix somehow. Feeling excluded is a normal human reaction but I would advise that you take the opportunity to go elsewhere for the weekend or enjoy some downtime more locally. You are just going to feel worse being near the wedding but not allowed to participate and it sounds like an embarrassing situation is likely to happen.

MyCatsAreFuckwits · 29/05/2025 13:25

Soooooo, your not invited to the wedding and you decide to gatecrash.
In gatecrashing you are hoping to "have a little dance" with the wedding guests the evening before.
In gatecrashing you are hoping to join the wedding guests for breakfast.
By gatecrashing are you hoping to needle your way into the ceremony, wedding banquet?
Are you packing an outfit, "just in case"

Shellianotwheels · 29/05/2025 13:25

Notmotherofflowergirls · 29/05/2025 13:19

Right I have no idea why people think I am insecure or controlling or desperate for free food and alcohol.

I think it’s sad when close cousins aren’t invited to weddings and I think it would be sadder if they weren’t invited because the couple couldn’t afford the cousins’ spouses. My husband has every right to go to his cousin’s wedding with his family.

The hotel can be booked by anybody, the bridal couple do not have exclusive use of it.

I have as I said, in my original post no intention of going to the ceremony. I think it’s pathetic when people use a clerical rule from medieval times to go to someone’s wedding. Nor did I say I would gatecrash the band in the evening. I secretly hoped I might be invited to have a dance but I most certainly wouldn’t hang around outside the door all doe eyed.

I merely thought I could use the hotel room that my husband has booked and paid for, use the facilities, walk to the stately home in the village and relax.

We had no idea about the bar the night before or the breakfast in the evening. I have no idea if the night before is a free bar or how many guests are staying the night before nor about whether the breakfast the day after is in the public area but husband has actually paid for 2 breakfasts.

I am not going now as I don’t want people in real life to think I have inappropriate intentions like most of you do.

I am totally supportive of them not inviting cousins’ spouses but think the night before and the morning after is a bit precious.

Definitely won’t be missed

Agapornis · 29/05/2025 13:26

So he's paid the hotel for two breakfasts, but actually the marrying couple will be providing breakfast.

I'd be sharing the room, eating that paid-for breakfast, and hanging out with the other not-invited partners. You could have a fun day with them all hanging out in the village, spa, stately home, over dinner etc.

Feetinthegrass · 29/05/2025 13:26

Arlanymor · 29/05/2025 13:24

Bravo. I agree with all of this.

Poor man having to explain his reasoning YET again and insist that people don’t do what they have been explicitly asked not to do. He’ll be looking over his shoulder all the time on the day now, worrying that people are trying to sneak in, rather than enjoying his wedding. He couldn’t have been more clear - why are you trying to disrespect his request? Because that is what you are doing.

FWIW I was once disinvited from a wedding which I was invited to with my then fiancé because his ex was going to be there and she was dreading seeing him, let alone him with someone new. I didn’t try and find a way to edge my way in… I accepted it - she had known the friends who were getting married far longer than me - and went out SOMEWHERE ELSE with some other friends.

Didn’t damage the friendship in the slightest, on account of the fact that I am a grown up. In fact the bride of aforementioned wedding and I are going away for a night to Brecon in August to eat good food and enjoy some live music, just the two of us.

I think your behaviour is appalling and “I love weddings!” is not an excuse for going against the wishes of the couple and in doing so jeopardising their happiness on the day. Selfish, pure and simple.

Show quote history

He wouldn’t have to go to any lengths if he was able to figure out wedding etiquette rather than trying to do a big wedding on the cheap!! It is embarrassing agreed, it screams cheapskate rather than classy wedding. Especially when the army of spouses end up partying nearby!!

Hoppinggreen · 29/05/2025 13:27

We arrived at the hotel wedding venue for our wedding on the Friday afternoon and spotted a couple of our Uni friends (who were invited)
They said that they had decided to come up the day before and explore the area but not to worry about them as they were happy to do their own thing.
We invited them to our arranged meal on the Friday night for the wedding party only because they were nice decent people who understood boundaries
If they had spent the evening hanging around hoping to be invited to anything before the main event on the Saturday afternoon and/or hung around on Friday night looking sad Hell would have frozen over before we would have included them

Bloodtuch · 29/05/2025 13:27

Arquebuse · 29/05/2025 13:16

Well, think of having 11 first cousins you want to invite to your wedding. You can’t afford to invite 22 people, so do you only invite five cousins and their spouses? You’ve clearly Preserved the Sacred Bond of Marriage here, but what about the six cousins you didn’t invite? And how do you choose which five to invite? Oldest? Tallest? Favourites?

‘Dear Cousins Fred, George, Harry, Delia, Dudley and Maria, I’m sorry I can’t invite you to my wedding, but apparently it’s poor form to invite only half a married couple, so I chose Winnie, Petroc, Angelo, Seth and Nigella’s spouses, none of whom I’ve met more than once and whom I couldn’t pick out of a police lineup, instead of you, despite us having known one another all our lives. Sorry!’

Show quote history

Or you arrange an event you can afford and respect your guests. As I said, I realise these are old fashioned considerations.

doodleschnoodle · 29/05/2025 13:27

There’s been a weird spate of these type of threads recently. You aren’t invited. Don’t go. Go somewhere else if you want, but you’re fooling no one if you turn up for your ‘spa weekend’. You’ve already said you would hope to be invited to certain bits, and it’ll be incredibly awkward for the couple if you keep appearing hopefully at various parts of the weekend. You’ll be like the ghost at the feast.

If you do go, stay the heck away from anything wedding related.

AguNwaanyi · 29/05/2025 13:28

dogcatkitten · 29/05/2025 11:40

If the bar and breakfast are catered for as part of the wedding then you can't use them. If you don't use the bar and there is a big dance floor I don't see why you couldn't join in that bit, although there may be security on the door to keep non guests out. Breakfast again if there is an area reserved for guests then a bit tricky, if it's just one big room then no problem. Often these things are a bit more lax when you get there than they sound in writing.

Sorry but please don't follow this advice. This cousin has gone to lengths to reinforce the message that uninvited guests won't be accommodated. Regardless, encouraging her to beg her way into a wedding isn't great for self esteem.

Original poster
Notmotherofflowergirls · 29/05/2025 13:29

I did not intend to gatecrash the wedding . I intended to use my husband’s hotel room and spend the day on my own.

The second letter was sent to everyone not just us.

OP posts:
Kipperandarthur · 29/05/2025 13:29

Good update Op I'm glad you have come to the decision not to go.

Feetinthegrass · 29/05/2025 13:30

Notmotherofflowergirls · 29/05/2025 13:29

I did not intend to gatecrash the wedding . I intended to use my husband’s hotel room and spend the day on my own.

The second letter was sent to everyone not just us.

You are perfectly entitled to do that op. Can you organise a fun night out with the spouses?

I am amazed your dh wants to go at all, a huge expense for a wedding. Maybe the money is better spent elsewhere.

IberianBird · 29/05/2025 13:32

I think the groom has been smart in his communication to avoid any chancers. Anyone remember the lady and her daughter trying to chance the breakfast the day after the wedding, the wedding she wasn't invited to?
You do sound desperate, hoping to sneak an invite for a dance?
By all means stay at the hotel but don't get involved with any wedding related events unless you are invited.

Isthisreasonable · 29/05/2025 13:32

Feetinthegrass · 29/05/2025 12:53

Op in your place I would organise a counter party for the spouses! A pub crawl, followed by dinner and a nightclub! There is no reason why you can’t dance the night away! The music is likely to be better than the wedding at least

Set up a group chat today - the great uninvited goes on tour or similar 🥂
😅

Edited

Presumably with a rival get together in the bar on Friday night and sat at a nearby table for breakfast so the invited spouses are caught in the crossfire of having to choose between the two groups.

What an embarrassment.

vintagehope · 29/05/2025 13:33

Feetinthegrass · 29/05/2025 13:26

He wouldn’t have to go to any lengths if he was able to figure out wedding etiquette rather than trying to do a big wedding on the cheap!! It is embarrassing agreed, it screams cheapskate rather than classy wedding. Especially when the army of spouses end up partying nearby!!

Show quote history

Then it would be the army of spouses who would lack etiquette and embarrassing themselves.

cardibach · 29/05/2025 13:33

Bloodtuch · 29/05/2025 13:27

Or you arrange an event you can afford and respect your guests. As I said, I realise these are old fashioned considerations.

Show quote history

So you have none of your cousins? Because they can afford the 11 cousins, it’s the 11 spouses they can’t. The only solution according to your rules is to have none of the cousins, who they want and can afford, celebrate their wedding at all.

ARichtGoodDram · 29/05/2025 13:34

If there's 11 spouses on his side, and potentially more in the brides side, he's just making it very clear that folks hoping to be invited in for a dance won't be getting that invitation.

He's obviously got wind that a few spouses were going to stay in the hotel and he's making sure, early doors, that it's clear that they won't be included on any of the wedding bits.

When you think of the number of potential extra people, and then the offence if Mary leaves Fred at home but then discovers that Alice brought Steve and now he's been invited in for a dance... he's just being very clear, and it's no wonder.

Feetinthegrass · 29/05/2025 13:34

Isthisreasonable · 29/05/2025 13:32

Presumably with a rival get together in the bar on Friday night and sat at a nearby table for breakfast so the invited spouses are caught in the crossfire of having to choose between the two groups.

What an embarrassment.

Show quote history

Why? This is what the couple have chosen! It is not gracious at all.