Cousin-in-law’s Wedding Restrictions on spouses.

[Notmotherofflowergirls]

Mother-in-law’s nephew is getting married but I am not invited and neither are any other partners of cousins . I am upset as unfashionable as this is on mumsnet, I love a wedding.

Husband’s brothers-in-law are thrilled that they don’t have to be dragged to an in-law wedding. I would refer to it as a family wedding.

The Groom wrote a letter to all of his 11 first cousins explaining his reasons. I think it’s great that he has included his cousins. It will be nice for them.

I am upset but unreasonable to be so. I am not being singled out.

Now here is my AIBU at last! I was going to stay in the hotel, a really nice one with a spa, I know another cousin’s husband was going too as well to play golf there.

Cousin has now written to everyone again saying that they understand that some spouses are going to the ceremony (I was most definitely NOT going to do this) and taking advantage of the venue’s amenities. He has said that he just wanted to say that a bar was reserved just for this invited guests the night before , this hadn’t occurred to me. There will be no further capacity for the evening (I did think, hope, that they might invite me in for a dance (I have NEVER mentioned this to anyone)and he was hoping guests would all have breakfast together.

What does everyone think? Fair enough for the wedding but all the other restrictions????

I wouldn’t think remotely badly of you for staying in the hotel at the same time as the wedding and doing your own thing, unless you were actually hanging out dressed in heels and a floral frock and looking hopeful near the door of the room where the ceremony or the reception was happening, or photobombing the photos! But you’ve said you’re not planning to do this. Use the spa, eat dinner, go to the nearby stately home. Have fun.

I am amazed your dh wants to go at all, a huge expense for a wedding.

Amazed that he wants to spend a weekend with his extended family - something that probably doesn't happen very often?

When you get to a certain age, often the only time you see extended family members is at funerals. You need to take these opportunities when you can.

You've just explained exactly why spouses should be invited 😂

Yes, perfect, a weekend away with a lot of people you don't know, who could be absolutely appalling! That'll show them for not inviting you to their wedding!

Seriously, it will show everyone she's an obessive lunatic just as much as turning up uninvited would.

I wouldn't think badly either. Petrol is expensive as are hotel rooms. Might as well make good use of said things.

My husband has every right to go to his cousin’s wedding with his family.

Stop! No he doesn’t!

So 11 cousins, the grooms mum and dad, and let’s say 2 siblings with partners. That’s 17 people. Double that for the bride and that’s 34 people before friends. That’s a small wedding.

It wouldn’t have killed them to say family only, but spouses welcome at night. Having an evening do, with a self paid bar, with some sausage rolls really costs very little more.

But no, here we have another couple who think the sun and moon revolve around them, and to hell with anyone else’s feelings.

OP, obviously don’t gatecrash or even go to the hotel. Tell your DH that since you aren’t family, there’s no need for you to do anything for any of them moving forward. If you’ve ever lifted a finger for his extended family, don’t bother again.

You can't see the difference between him seeing the family he possibly grew up with and probably saw a lot of, as children, and his spouse, who has likely barely ever met any of them, seeing them?

Really?

Wow

Worst advice on the thread. Well done

Ditto 'trailing spouses'! But the OP doesnt want to trail - she wants to hang around hoping to be asked to join in to whatever is going on. We only had 30 people at our wedding many many years ago and cut out whole families or just one husand or wife.

NOT ONE PERSON HAD AN ISSUE WITH IT!

We didnt have any children at the event and again although a few people did have kids with such a limited number no one complained. What the OP is trying to do is most strange. And stranger still that she doesnt think there is much wrong with her cunning plan!

But no, here we have another couple who think the sun and moon revolve around them, and to hell with anyone else’s feeling

Maybe it's not so much "to hell with anyone else's feelings" so much as they made the mistake of thinking they were dealing with adults, who wouldn't start throwing their toys around and bawling because they so wanted to go to the wedding of someone they barely know.

A big mistake on their part, clearly,

Well OP doesn't say she doesn't know them, and how are cousins spouses supposed to get to know the family if they're never invited to anything?

I think you've probably made the least incendiary decision but omg what are weddings and wedding rules and wedding etiquette and wedding instagram protocols etc coming to. I don't think you were doing anything wrong in what you originally planned. The world's going fucking mad.

This happened with my friends wedding - uninvited people came to stay at the same hotel and basically just took the piss and kept getting in the way. Wandering up asking if they could quickly take pictures with the bridal party, could they have a bit of cake - one slice won't hurt, trying to get drinks - offering to pay but again this caused confusion amongst staff, who had to keep checking with the bridal party which was annoying. Sounds like he is trying avoid issues of uninvited guests mingling with invited guests and all of the problems that this can cause. I don't think they are being unreasonable. Is it so hard to just stay away? If you must have a spa break that weekend, you could just go elsewhere or go to that hotel on a different day.

I'm 55 and have been married for 25 years and I don't know anyone beyond my partner's parents and siblings. I may have seen a cousin once or twice. I will die not knowing them, and neither they nor I will suffer for that because I have my own circle of relatives and friends, and so do they.

Thank goodness you've seen sense and decided not to go. Honestly, you would have looked like a right knob (or nob, I'm never sure) hanging around hoping to be invited to dance.

Quite. The wedding is the choice of the two people getting married, not someone that they dont know well or for all we know a PITA at family ocassions. They might have wanted to choose a venue where it was elegant and classy and not a self pay bar and a few sausage rolls!

So 11 cousins, the grooms mum and dad, and let’s say 2 siblings with partners. That’s 17 people. Double that for the bride and that’s 34 people before friends. That’s a small wedding.

Grandparents, possibly four on each side, if all still living? Maybe even a great grandparent or two? Aunts and uncles?

Don't these cousins have parents? If they were in pairs of siblings there’s another 10 parents there. Plus the bride and groom may have siblings themselves. Your calculations are weird. And maybe they have big, very close, friendship groups who they know better than the cousins.
You have no idea how big the wedding is or how big the budget is.

When was the last time you went to a wedding at a hotel that had a few sausage rolls? after a non stop date of dancing and drinking I would be starving if that’s all I ate. How are suppling the sausage rolls? What about vegans? You are deluded.

The married couple will have had to pay for the food. So yes the numbers add up. But yes blame it on the couple 😂

I wouldn’t even know who my MILs nephew is, let alone expect to go to their wedding 😂

'I would have liked to go to the Italian restaurant belonging to the hotel '

so you actually wanted to be ' seen ' the evening before - what were you planning - a spare outfit just incase you gained a sympathy invite to the wedding ?!!!

just like you would have been appropriately dressed in the hope you got invited into the evening reception ' for a dance '

bolloks

if staying in this hotel is so important to you so you can eat in the ' italian ' restaurant, why don't you just book it for a weekend for you and your husband...

or do you really suffer from fomo ?

Friends?

I have lots of friends I am way closer to than any of my cousins.

Yeah seems odd to me they didn’t give spouses evening invites. By that time anything goes usually and the numbers are less restricted.

I’ll be honest I would have done what the OP proposed and stayed in the room and used the spa. It wouldn’t have occurred to me that was weird. I’d have thought what a great opportunity to have a nice relaxing day and then have breakfast with my husband the next day. Why are guests expected to still be part of the wedding the next day? The event is over and I’d have thought at that point the wedding party couldn’t dictate who goes to breakfast.

this sort of thing is always weird. Have a small wedding with your nearest and dearest or have a massive one where everyone is invited. Trying to fudge inviting only one half of a couple is just a pain and just is going to annoy people.

I have met the groom and DH’s cousins and their partners hundreds of times. All cousins and their partners (not all the same partners now) came to our wedding. I would like to have been invited but it’s clearly nothing personal.

I didn’t want to go in the hope I would have been invited to have a dance, I wanted to use the hotel room and the facilities.

I think expressing a wish to complete strangers that I would have liked a dance has derailed the thread. I had no intention of actually hanging around the wedding with my dancing shoes.

I do think the restrictions on night before and breakfast is a bit much.