Cousin-in-law’s Wedding Restrictions on spouses.

[Notmotherofflowergirls]

Mother-in-law’s nephew is getting married but I am not invited and neither are any other partners of cousins . I am upset as unfashionable as this is on mumsnet, I love a wedding.

Husband’s brothers-in-law are thrilled that they don’t have to be dragged to an in-law wedding. I would refer to it as a family wedding.

The Groom wrote a letter to all of his 11 first cousins explaining his reasons. I think it’s great that he has included his cousins. It will be nice for them.

I am upset but unreasonable to be so. I am not being singled out.

Now here is my AIBU at last! I was going to stay in the hotel, a really nice one with a spa, I know another cousin’s husband was going too as well to play golf there.

Cousin has now written to everyone again saying that they understand that some spouses are going to the ceremony (I was most definitely NOT going to do this) and taking advantage of the venue’s amenities. He has said that he just wanted to say that a bar was reserved just for this invited guests the night before , this hadn’t occurred to me. There will be no further capacity for the evening (I did think, hope, that they might invite me in for a dance (I have NEVER mentioned this to anyone)and he was hoping guests would all have breakfast together.

What does everyone think? Fair enough for the wedding but all the other restrictions????

Op in your place I would organise a counter party for the spouses! A pub crawl, followed by dinner and a nightclub! There is no reason why you can’t dance the night away! The music is likely to be better than the wedding at least

Set up a group chat today - the great uninvited goes on tour or similar 🥂
😅

He is saying very clearly, and politely, that non-guests (including you) will not be able to access the parts of the hotel reserved (and paid) for guests (including your DH). This includes a bar area, the evening before the wedding, and a dining area for breakfast, the morning after. If you stay in the hotel your DH either drinks and has breakfast with the other wedding guests or with you - he can't do both.

Sorry OP but I agree with this. Whilst it’s true he doesn’t have any say over who can or cannot stay in the hotel, having people’s spouses hang around on the fringes will be just be awkward as hell, and they’ll probably feel obliged to include you in parts of the wedding even though they obviously don’t have the budget or capacity to do so.

And you’ve said that you’re kind of hoping to sneak in, which is what they’re worried about and will feel awful refusing on the day itself.

Just leave them be and find another hotel if you want a nice spa break. It sounds like they’ve been absolutely open and even-handed about it, and have been scrupulously fair to everyone in order to avoid drama at their wedding. It’s sad for you not to be included, but let them have their day without adding to their stress.

I think you need to take a long, hard look at yourself and ask what it is in you that can't accept you are not invited to this wedding. Do you think that turning up at the hotel and forcing the happy couple to ask you to join them will be some sort of victory or will you just look sad and pitiful?

Let me guess, you're going to wear a white ballgown too?

Batshit.

if you have to have limited numbers for an wedding of course you invite your actual family.

11 Cousins or 5 cousins and their spouse? Obviously 11 cousins

Oh yes! And do it in the area where the wedding is, and then all the spouses can benefit from the hotel rooms their family money has paid for, for a wedding they can't attend!

They can have a nice group breakfast next day too.

Yes of course the married couple are being tight 😂 I find it really bizarre when one person in a couple can’t do anything without their spouse. It reeks of insecurity and controlling behaviour. What you think it’s coming to happen? A quicky with the bridesmaid in the loo? Get over it

Groom is not 'requiring' DH's attendance for the whole weekend. He has organised a private bar area for guests staying in the venue the night before the wedding, and a breakfast area where they can all eat together the morning after It's quite thoughtful really as his cousins are invited without their partners and some might be uncomfortable drinking/eating solo.

Yes, but he's saying they don't want DH to break up the party and have breakfast with his wife.

So cringe 🤢How did you come to the conclusion the music will be better than the wedding?

These posts crack me up.

The OP isn’t being ‘demeaned’, she’s simply not invited to the wedding of her MIL’s nephew. She’s not being singled out. None of the groom’s first cousin’s spouses are invited.

It’s clearly a biggish family, as the groom has written to his 11 first cousins to avoid causing offence and explain why he’s inviting them but not their spouses — presumably because the other options (invite some spouses but not others? Invite some cousins but not others?) are even more complex and likely to cause upset.

And now that it’s been made clear to him that some of the cousins’ spouses are staying in the hotel where the wedding is, he is being clear that those trailing spouses are not invited to a reserved bar the night before the wedding (possibly a free bar, or some paid-for drinks for a certain number, or a room with limited space) and that there’s no capacity for them as evening guests either, but he hopes to see them at breakfast.

Perfectly reasonable, and admirably clearly communicated to avoid disappointment on the day.

No bride and groom want to have to act as bouncers at their own wedding because Cousin Bob’s wife Brenda doesn’t see how she’d be a bother if she just sat in the back row to see the dress, and sat on Bob’s knee and shared his starter at dinner so she could hear the speeches, and got stuck in doing ‘Rock the Boat’ on the dance floor because she’s sure no one will mind.

And Cousin Nigel’s wife Flo thinks if Brenda is doing it, why can’t she, it’s not like anyone will notice, and she brought her fascinator in her golf bag just in case etc etc. And meanwhile the bride is hissing ‘I thought you told them!’ and the groom is saying ‘I did, I swear!’

I don't think either of you would be missed, frankly.

Do you often think that it’s you who should decide how other people organise their big life-events? When it’s them paying for it?

This absolutely nails it.

It does seem odd to me that at an even to celebrate a marriage and unite two families, you'd only invite half a married couple. I know it's becoming more and more the done thing, but it still seems odd to me.

The great unhinged you mean?

I think it’s a bit co-dependent to tag along to the hotel honestly and it makes it a bit awkward when you’re not invited to the wedding. Better just to make your own plans.

As a family with loads of cousins I can see the reasoning for what they’ve done.

The Couple getting married don’t care about you’re opinion

Or you could just do the decent thing and stop being so bloody tight and invite couples or accept a smaller wedding that you can afford!

So instead of inviting your own family members who you have known all your life and have shared history and memories, you must bin off half your family to invite spouses you might not have met more than a handful of times, if at all, and wouldn't recognise it you passed them in the street?

You are not invited, It would be incredibly bad form for you to show up at the same hotel. Just don't do it for your own sake, no one can be this socially unaware surely............

unless the hotel has been reserved for wedding guests only the B&G can’t really police who goes and I get why you would want to make a weekend of it and have a spa day. The issue is if you run into any f the guests or the bride/groom it’s a bit awkward . And there’s a risk they may feel like you are encroaching on the day. The groom mentioned the ceremony, is it in a church? They really can’t dictate who attends a public church.

The b&g are being a bit unreasonable, I’d assume the no partners is a financial/numbers decision but areas like the church/public bar or restaurant don’t factor in to that

Ugh, how embarrassing if you do go. Please stay away, you will look ridiculous and so will your DH. That's even before considering how it will be a distraction and an annoyance for the bride and groom. Why can't he go and catch up with family members on his own? Why do you want to have a "dance" at an event you weren't invited to? It's really unattractively needy, undignified and tone deaf whatever way you look at it.

Well, think of having 11 first cousins you want to invite to your wedding. You can’t afford to invite 22 people, so do you only invite five cousins and their spouses? You’ve clearly Preserved the Sacred Bond of Marriage here, but what about the six cousins you didn’t invite? And how do you choose which five to invite? Oldest? Tallest? Favourites?

‘Dear Cousins Fred, George, Harry, Delia, Dudley and Maria, I’m sorry I can’t invite you to my wedding, but apparently it’s poor form to invite only half a married couple, so I chose Winnie, Petroc, Angelo, Seth and Nigella’s spouses, none of whom I’ve met more than once and whom I couldn’t pick out of a police lineup, instead of you, despite us having known one another all our lives. Sorry!’

So you would want to sneak in for a dance (disregarding any room capacity limitations), then it would be oh I will just have one drink they won’t mind, oh a bit of cake don’t mind if I do and then well I might as well sit here for the night. Another glass of Prosecco please

Can’t decide if you are entitled, an embarrassment or a CF