Cousin-in-law’s Wedding Restrictions on spouses.

[Notmotherofflowergirls]

Mother-in-law’s nephew is getting married but I am not invited and neither are any other partners of cousins . I am upset as unfashionable as this is on mumsnet, I love a wedding.

Husband’s brothers-in-law are thrilled that they don’t have to be dragged to an in-law wedding. I would refer to it as a family wedding.

The Groom wrote a letter to all of his 11 first cousins explaining his reasons. I think it’s great that he has included his cousins. It will be nice for them.

I am upset but unreasonable to be so. I am not being singled out.

Now here is my AIBU at last! I was going to stay in the hotel, a really nice one with a spa, I know another cousin’s husband was going too as well to play golf there.

Cousin has now written to everyone again saying that they understand that some spouses are going to the ceremony (I was most definitely NOT going to do this) and taking advantage of the venue’s amenities. He has said that he just wanted to say that a bar was reserved just for this invited guests the night before , this hadn’t occurred to me. There will be no further capacity for the evening (I did think, hope, that they might invite me in for a dance (I have NEVER mentioned this to anyone)and he was hoping guests would all have breakfast together.

What does everyone think? Fair enough for the wedding but all the other restrictions????

Actually, if your husband is paying for the room and his own breakfast it is rather cheeky from the wedding to act like the hotel is only theirs.

I'd say go. Just make sure you are nowhere near their doors on the wedding day, don't hope for a dance, respect any hotel signage the day before or after.

I know this thread is against it, but 3/4 of AIBU responses are about kicking the OP no matter for what.

Just book yourself in to a different hotel that has a spa. Order room service and have a nice chilled time just for you.

Respect the bride and grooms wishes.

I think he has planned for whatever and is worried people will turn up, chance their arms and then he'll have the stress of trying to lay down the law on the day and he could do without this stress.
I would just leave it alone and leave them to it.

This is a sure fire way of pissing off all the other cousins …… ‘my spouse stayed away, so why is the pushy OP allowed to join in on the large dance floor?’ . You’re coming across as desperate OP, either go and keep entirely to yourself or don’t go. If it’s an
hotel with sole occupancy for the wedding then have some respect and do not go! The groom is being entirely fair explaining the situation and you’re just giving him unnecessary angst having to spell everything out for the more entitled!

But why? Her husband is already paying for a perfectly fine room the OP can use for free/price of breakfasts.

If the bride and groom wished complete control, they should have paid for the accomodation or at least the breakfast the day after.
It looks like they want to have their cake and eat it.

It completely depends what you intend on doing, and your updates provide a bit of a different picture to the first post where (intentionally or not), it did sound like you were planning on being around for everything apart from the actual wedding. I think it's understandable the bride and groom wouldn't want a load of sad-faced excluded partners hanging round on the off chance they can snaffle a leftover canape, but they can't exclude you from coming and using a public hotel.

If you basically plan on using the hotel room to sleep, might pop into the spa for an hour while the wedding is ongoing (so no chance of seeing any of the wedding party there), and then go out to the local area the rest of the day, then that's fine.

I personally would have breakfast either in the room or go at a different time to whenever the bridal party plan to have theirs. Whether your DH eats with them or with you is up to him, the groom might prefer they eat together but can't insist on it - some people will need to get up and go, some will be hungover or want a lie in or to use the spa etc., if your DH doesn't eat with them he won't be the only one. I wouldn't go to the on site restaurant the night before either, surely there are other places to eat around there where you won't be likely to bump into the bridal party?

She means she had no idea about the "private" bar, that was referenced in the letter..

She knew he would be there and having drinks with other guests the night before the wedding, which is why she invited herself along to that, she didn't realise that the night before was privately hired too, which is why the letter has annoyed her.

It is all irrelevant because she wasn't invited to any of it, she is ridiculous to turn up to any part of it.

On a side issue I think the wedding breakfast referred to isnt actually breakfast the morning after but the wedding meal for invited guests.

I have only read the first page of responses but to me most of the replies on that first page are unnecessarily nasty. I didn't get the vibe that you want to 'muscle in' and 'hang around the fringes looking for an invite in'. The invite your husband received is to the wedding, why so many people think that this means you can't spend the night in the hotel and have a spa day while there amazes me. If I were you I would go, avoid anything wedding related and just have a night weekend to myself in a nice venue while the husband goes to the wedding stuff with his family. I don't see any issue with that.
I also wouldn't see the issue is your husband decided to do out to another bar with you the night before instead of the one in the hotel instead of going to the pre-wedding drinks and same if he decided to do something different with you instead of going to the breakfast the next morning.

yea no vibe except for this bit..." I did think, hope, that they might invite me in for a dance..."

Apart from hoping she’d get invited for a dance? How would that work? Would OP not need to be hanging around appropriately dressed to be invited for a dance?

I appreciate this has now been decided she won’t, but that was the initial intention.

Normally, but he is definitely referring to breakfast the next day:

he was hoping guests would all have breakfast together.

I understand enjoying the hotel room your husband has paid for. I could be wrong - but I also feel you are putting a dampener on things for your DH.

He may well want to be with all of his cousins/family for pre-wedding drinks etc but now he has to be mindful that you are alone in the room.

Surely you could enjoy a lovely getaway together any other time...and just let him have this family weekend away.

Luckily OP's made the (IMO correct) decision not to go, but I agree it's the hope to be "asked in for a dance" which gave it away

Realistically most B&Gs want to avoid any kind of unpleasantness on their day so may be unlikely to ask extras to leave - and hey presto, "they meant to go, honestly, and only came for 5 minutes, but (assorted others) just wouldn't hear of it" so now they're included and can make inroads at the bar without delay

Why should she pays for 2 rooms? She wants to use the room she has paid for.

i don’t understand why the B&G didn’t pay for exclusive use of the hotel and all the accommodation and breakfast etc so they could have the wedding they wanted without wanting exclusivity on someone else’s dime.

I think she was hoping that although there was strict invites for the ceremony and meal (which are usually the main constraints due to numbers and costs which she did understand), she probably thought that come the evening it gets more relaxed, evening guests arrive and usually people wouldn’t care if there were extras as no extra cost.

In fact having more people get on down on the dance floor is usually a good thing. Certainly, when I got married I could not really have cared less at the point the band came out if any extras turned up as long as everyone went home and said they had a great time. people were quite tipsy by early evening and I was just really happy to be married. I could have had a load of wedding crashers and I wouldn’t have cared at that point

so I expect she and her DH thought that partners were not invited for cost reasons rather than the family closing ranks and saying that partners are not actually family and they are to stay away. Not only stay away from the party but stay away from any family mingling. That is just very weird even for most families.

OP I think you should arrange your own party for all the spouses and have a great time!

The B&G have caused this by excluding spouses and having a do that involves two nights in a hotel. They have no business being put out if those guests decide to make a weekend of it with their partners to get best value from the hotel stay and just go to the wedding itself. It’s a good compromise alternative to declining the invitation.

Given she said "I did think, hope, that they might invite me in for a dance" there was a clear vibe of hoping that being around would lead to an invitation to join in

So what? 11 extra people on a dance floor is completely ridiculous to be bothered about. It’s not like it’s pay per head

Its called gatecrashing. Its not attractive

the Guy is going out of his way to make the situation clear and it seems consistent, so I’d leave it there rather than try to push at the boundaries they’ve set.

Unless the hotel has a rule that the room is limited to 100 people (due to fire regulations), the couple invited 98 guests, and the hotel have a policy of putting a staff member on the door to check everyone coming and going is actually on the guest list. This is not an unlikely scenario. All venues have official limits on numbers they must obey. It’s not even the venue that decides what the limit is - the fire department do.

You can't just show up for a dance, particularly if there's food and drink provided in the evening. Most weddings are paid for per-head, and if the venue notices extra people, it will embarrass the bride & groom. Same thing applies to any part of the weekend that they have reserved and paid for.
TBH, the couple have committed a bit of a faux-pas by only inviting blood relatives and not spouses, but at the end of the day, it's their event and their choice. Don't make it worse by showing up uninvited.

The guy is cheeky. If his wedding guest is paying for his own room and breakfasts for two nights, telling him that he shouldn't have his own wife staying in that room and that she can't eat her breakfast with him is weird and controlling.

I would take the opportunity to go elsewhere for a solo weekend, pleasing myself, or just stay at home and do the same.

Hope husband enjoys himself but I don't want him snoring next to me after a few drinks.

No issue with not being invited.