Cousin-in-law’s Wedding Restrictions on spouses.

[Notmotherofflowergirls]

Mother-in-law’s nephew is getting married but I am not invited and neither are any other partners of cousins . I am upset as unfashionable as this is on mumsnet, I love a wedding.

Husband’s brothers-in-law are thrilled that they don’t have to be dragged to an in-law wedding. I would refer to it as a family wedding.

The Groom wrote a letter to all of his 11 first cousins explaining his reasons. I think it’s great that he has included his cousins. It will be nice for them.

I am upset but unreasonable to be so. I am not being singled out.

Now here is my AIBU at last! I was going to stay in the hotel, a really nice one with a spa, I know another cousin’s husband was going too as well to play golf there.

Cousin has now written to everyone again saying that they understand that some spouses are going to the ceremony (I was most definitely NOT going to do this) and taking advantage of the venue’s amenities. He has said that he just wanted to say that a bar was reserved just for this invited guests the night before , this hadn’t occurred to me. There will be no further capacity for the evening (I did think, hope, that they might invite me in for a dance (I have NEVER mentioned this to anyone)and he was hoping guests would all have breakfast together.

What does everyone think? Fair enough for the wedding but all the other restrictions????

How did you think that invitation might arise @Notmotherofflowergirls ?

your DH would just casually mention to the happy couple that you were kettled upstairs in the room missing out on all the fun and whaddya know the happy couple feel obliged to invite you for a dance. Come off it 😂

Absolutely this.

Were you secretly hoping for an invite to a part of the event like the OP though? A sales talk, or a focus group perhaps 😂

It sounds like its exclusive use so you shouldn’t be going.

Her DH was obviously invited to stay the evening before, and the breakfast after (so two nights) which he has accepted, why would they need to put on the invite what the arrangements are for the night before and the morning after are, drinks before and breakfast after is a pretty standard setup for a wedding in a hotel.

OP is annoyed because she ASSUMED she could go the night before and the morning after (and the evening of the wedding "for a dance") and the B&G has now had to ask the people considering doing that not to, as they have only catered for their actual guests for the weekend, and it is a private area.

It's not okay for OP to assume anything, she isn't an invited guest. It doesn't matter what entertainment or facilities the bride and groom have laid on for their guests over the rest of the weekend, as OP isn't a guest and shouldn't even be there, she has no place making assumptions about anything.

If she wants to just go and enjoy the hotel she can, but she wants to make her presence known in the off chance they invite her in, that is not on at all and extremely unfair on the other 9 couples who aren't letting their spouses 'tag along'.

Please don't embarrass yourself and others. Are you THAT desperate to go to the bloody thing?

Its clearly a multi day event with a drinks reception / bar meet-up arranged for the evening before and a post wedding private breakfast facility for guests to share the next day. Doesnt matter if its a cash bar or you pay for your own breakfast - its an invitation only event. You wouldnt crash another group's table in a restauraunt just because you were paying for your own food.

11 Eleven partners is a further 11 people to feed and give drink if these people then have children there'll be people whinging about a child free wedding and Not having Sitters so a potential another 11 if they have one child each so it goes from 11 people invited to 33.

I Imagine they couldn't care less if partners came and just used a room but they've got a function room for the guests the night before and a breakfast area the morning of the wedding. The person not invited is then going to have to sit alone or the bride and groom are going to feel obliged to invite them when they didn't want them there in the first place. It's completely different to make an holiday out of a destination wedding when the wedding takes place on one day and the rest of the time is your own.

The OP said originally they'd hope it to be invited in for a dance so if several people attended the room with their partner and one was invited in for a dance then it would look churlish not to invite the others that are there and before they knew it there's an extra five people that they weren't catering for wh couldn't just let their partner go to a wedding on their own.

Going along makes you look little unhinged.

Imagine your dh at the bar after wedding. Ph what's your wife up to this weekend. Oh she's. The room. Upstairs. Ah ok. Are you not allowed put alone. Really.

And for people criticising the bride and groom. Ots their wedding they xam invite who they like.

It's utterly mortifying they've had to re confirm To people that spouses aren't invited.

When did people become so entitled. Do you have such a sad life you need to gate crash against specific instructions. You aren't invited. Going there would be ill mannered and utterly embarrassing.

I don’t really understand the bit about secretly hoping you’d be asked in for a dance - surely you would stay well away from the wedding party as you haven’t been invited? It would be really rude to make yourself visible and put them in the embarrassing position of having to actively exclude you.

In every wedding I've been to, the invitation explained clearly what the celebration included, for instance dinner the night before and brunch the day after the wedding, with details of venue and timings. It's standard to let your guests know what the plan is.

I get that OP has the best of intentions, loves a good wedding and is happy to pay for whatever needs paying for, but... as a rule, best not to look for loopholes or tweaks to somebody else's big day.

It's a fraught enough event for the couple as it is. Once you get into the realms of "Ah but you see I paid for X, Y and Z, which entitles me to A, B and C aspects of the hotel/your wedding"... well, at best I'd mark OP as being someone determined to get what she wants in life. Even if that risks me or DP being taken aside for a quiet word with the manager at any point over the three days.

As for
I would have liked to go to the Italian restaurant belonging to the hotel and have a drink with my husband and anybody who had been staying the night before and obviously have breakfast in the hotel.
But I won’t go now as I don’t want people to think badly of me like a lot of you do.
Seriously?! Perhaps I'm misinterpreting you OP but why on earth would you think of forming a breakaway group at someone else's do?

Weddings are expensive, cousins can be distant, cousins' DPs even more so. The couple have made their position clear and it's nothing personal. Just let it go, and let them get on with their day their way.

Cousin-in-law?

So how do you know it didn't say drinks the evening before? OPs DH knows to be there so the invitation will have said something about being there the night before, it sounds like OP knew there was drinks happening the night before, but assumed she could join for that.

The groom has had to clarify that the night before drinks is actual a private bar so uninvited guests shouldn't just rock up, he has acknowledged that some guests are now bringing their spouses to the ceremony(!) but had to specifically say there is no more capacity at the evening in case people were thinking of turning up for that too (like OP was)!

As far as I can see it doesn't say OP couldn't go to the breakfast with them, only that the B&G hoped guests would stay and have breakfast with them before leaving, it doesn't sound like there was a formal arrangement for that, most people would do that anyway.. unless they had a spouse wanting to go and do something different with them for the day of course.

I feel really sorry for the B&G, it sounds like there is a lot of push back and unnecessary aggro from the cousins who should have just declined the invite rather than accept but then try and shoehorn their uninvited spouses into the proceedings.

I would have liked to go to the Italian restaurant belonging to the hotel and have a drink with my husband and anybody who had been staying the night before and obviously have breakfast in the hotel.
But I won’t go now as I don’t want people to think badly of me like a lot of you do.

Can you honestly not see yourself how rude this would be OP?

It would be very awkward for the B&G having breakfast with people they didn’t invite

I actually missed this part! She wanted to go and socialise with everyone there the night before even she was not invited to any of it, it's completely cringeworthy!

I think it's an absolute cheek and I don't know why your DP is entertaining it.

If DH was invited to a wedding and I wasn't, his response would probably be to laugh and the invite would go straight in the recycling.

It would have been cheeky and a bit odd initially, but it would definitely be really weird if you went after the cousin sent a follow up clarification. You being there would cause quite a bit of awkwardness and embarrassment for everyone involved

And to form some sort of sub group with her dh and others who would want to. Really mean actually.

Definitely something deliberate at play, I'm glad enough people have put her off going (supposedly)!

So how do you know it didn't say drinks the evening before?

The OP said: We had no idea about the bar the night before or the breakfast in the evening.

Most hotels have a wedding on a Saturday in summer - you’d be as welcome just rocking up to one of them! Presumably you wouldn’t because, you know, you’re not invited.

Being there is completely inappropriate and unfair on the groom (and bride/other groom). It also totally changes to dynamic for your husband. He should be able to go to an event he’s invited to, socialise with his family and not have to worry about you hanging around and gatecrashing

And she decided that the B&G were being 'restrictive on the spouses' by choosing how they spend their time and money on their wedding weekend....and she was 'upset' not to be invited. She looks like a right tool trying to centre herself in the wedding events across 3 whole days with the invited guests.

If the bar’s actually reserved for guests then you can’t go, but also your DH doesn’t need to. You could have drinks together in your room and bang your lights out all night. Equally with the breakfast the morning after, if the groom’s paying for the guests and has tables reserved, you can’t go. And you shouldn’t turn up and sit with the bride and groom if he doesn’t want you there. But equally he can’t stop your DH from having breakfast with you (or with you, his other cousin and their spouse) instead but you should try to sit away from the wedding crowd.

Depends really on how much time your DH wants to spend with extended family away from you. If the hotel is nice enough I would be happy to entertain myself without DH - a bottle glass of wine in the bath the night before with a good book, spa day and room service on the wedding day, and breakfast in bed the next day. Sounds blissful to me. Though would probably have a slightly better time going to an equally nice hotel without DH as him turning up the worse for wear after the wedding would be a slight mar on the day (but not much!).

I don’t think it’s unreasonable for a Bride and Groom to hope that guests at a wedding who are staying over might want to spend time as a group outside of the fully organized and paid for activities. And I can see that it’s appealing to want a somewhat nostalgic dynamic that without partners, though I personally think it’s a bit at odds with what weddings should be about. But he can’t demand it if he isn’t paying for exclusive use.

I would take to heart that he really doesn’t want spouses there and decide if you can have a good time at the hotel without impinging on his wedding. And DH should decide what he will enjoy without you there. Then come up with a plan that you like that doesn’t try to shoulder into the Groom’s wedding, but doesn’t oblige DH to do stuff he’d really rather not.