Cousin-in-law’s Wedding Restrictions on spouses.

[Notmotherofflowergirls]

Mother-in-law’s nephew is getting married but I am not invited and neither are any other partners of cousins . I am upset as unfashionable as this is on mumsnet, I love a wedding.

Husband’s brothers-in-law are thrilled that they don’t have to be dragged to an in-law wedding. I would refer to it as a family wedding.

The Groom wrote a letter to all of his 11 first cousins explaining his reasons. I think it’s great that he has included his cousins. It will be nice for them.

I am upset but unreasonable to be so. I am not being singled out.

Now here is my AIBU at last! I was going to stay in the hotel, a really nice one with a spa, I know another cousin’s husband was going too as well to play golf there.

Cousin has now written to everyone again saying that they understand that some spouses are going to the ceremony (I was most definitely NOT going to do this) and taking advantage of the venue’s amenities. He has said that he just wanted to say that a bar was reserved just for this invited guests the night before , this hadn’t occurred to me. There will be no further capacity for the evening (I did think, hope, that they might invite me in for a dance (I have NEVER mentioned this to anyone)and he was hoping guests would all have breakfast together.

What does everyone think? Fair enough for the wedding but all the other restrictions????

You are perfectly entitled to go to anything not being paid for by the bride and groom.

Your DH is paying for the room and you will be using other facilities. You should absolutely stay away from any part of the wedding such as predrinks.

The cousin seems happy to communicate so your DH could write him a note to this effect. Ie c
"I'm paying for a room and my wife will accompany me to make use of this facility, and a romantic weekend away for us, but will use other hotel facilities whilst wedding activities are happening. She is quite comfortable doing so"

You of course can go eat breakfast or use hotel bar like any other member of the public, just not as part of the group. Wipe all notions of being asked to dance tho.

The cousin has no reason to be embarrassed

Or really shitty to the couple getting married. Seems childish to try detract from the day of people that don’t even want you there.

They are literally having a smaller wedding hence the OP isn’t invited 😂

really? I have done it loads over the years and he once stayed with me at a conference I went to. We both just enjoyed the pool and just sat and read books and just enjoyed the break. Don’t get why that is weird.

This is why they needed to write a letter - for people like you - pushing boundaries.

Your agenda despite your protestations once called out are clear.

You said you were "upset"

You titled the thread "restrictions on spouses"

The B&G have spent, time and their money to make choices and preferences for their once in a lifetime wedding.

These are their 'choices' not 'restrictions on spouses - no need for you to be 'upset'.

You are just embarassing yourself. Just accept how they wish to spend their money.

Yes!!! If you can't afford it you dont do it!!!

Who says they don’t want them there? They might be gutted that finances prevent it.

I think it’s perfectly reasonable for you to use the hotel room, non-wedding facilities. Your DH doesn’t have to attend the breakfast the following day or drink in the bar the night before.

It would have been lovely for you to enjoy some couple time before and after the wedding itself.

You don’t get married at all because you can’t invite everyone whose wedding you’ve attended?
MN is insane sometimes.

The B&G are not paying for the accommodation nor the breakfast and potentially not even paying for the drinks the night before.

The fact they are referred to as MILs nephews rather than DHs cousin highlights to me they are a distant relative in terms of closeness. Why would anyone want to go to something where they aren’t wanted. I wonder if OPs DH is feeling embarrassed.

I don't think you need to be put off going (to the hotel, not the wedding). It's a big hotel and you were planning a spa day, relaxing walk and dinner. Especially if it's some distance away. Why waste the cost of the bed and transport if you can have a nice day yourself somewhere new?

I imagine the groom has been receiving requests for exceptions to be made for this and that cousin and has had to send a blanket communication.

I think 11 cousins is a lot to squeeze into the wedding and he's had to be firm. I don't think you need to feel banished from the whole village. Just exercise discretion. Go down separately, and do your own thing all day so it's not a thing that you're chatting lots to people on the day and the couple have well meaning comments to field about not inviting you. Maybe have a quick chat then next day if you see anyone.

Acknowledge the groom's message if so, let him know you may be at the hotel for a separate solo break but won't be joining the wedding and wish them.well. I think that's fine. You're not pressing your nose against the window or being off, it's not a very close relative, you're just taking the opportunity for a nice trip.

I get what you meant about having a dance if they opened the doors later but not expecting it.

But smaller than if 11 cousins plus 11 partners are coming.

I don't know why you couldn't have described the groom as your dh's cousin instead of your miles nephew which is a bit long winded.

In theory it sounds fine to accompany your husband & busy yourself.
I suspect the reality is that you’ll be bumping into weddings guests in corridors and lifts and asked why you aren’t in attendance.

An evening sat on your own, either in the restaurant or the room is perfectly fine but I think by that point I’d feel a bit bored and want a bit of company. I suppose you could go for dinner with the golf spouse.

Overall I think I’d let my husband get on with it and do something else over the weekend.

Plenty of women use spa facilities on their own eg when hubby is off playing golf.
There is no obligation for her DH to attend the family breakfast. He might feel like having a lie in and shagging his very relaxed wife in a room he has paid for.

The cousin can rightfully ask for spouses not to attend the wedding parts but he cannot mandate all the invited guests to be at every part.

Even if he did attend the breakfast OP can order breakfast in bed via room service.

I don't see the issue

They are your DH's first cousins

Is the husband who's going to use the hotel room and play golf out of order too?

I get your point @Notmotherofflowergirls - in many ways its not at all unreasonable to want to use the hotel room and all the things you talk about.

But very clearly, by showing up you will highlight the fact that you have not been invited. And that is very very poor form. The cousin is clearly well aware that they have had to draw a line, numbers wise - so to have any spouses show up would look really bad. It would look like you were trying to make a point even if you weren't /aren't and it would reflect really badly on you and your husband.

Of my close work colleagues I could only invite them without other halves. I would have been mortified if some of them had turned up - and I know some were disgruntled but I just didn't have the numbers.

To be clear, I would avoid the breakfast and evening bar unless enthusiastically invited. See it as a solo break. Room service or local restaurant if there isn't a separate dining room.

I agree! 11 cousins is a table for family, 11 cousins with a +1 is two tables, 11 cousins with +1s also opens the question of can I bring my kids as we are family (they seem cheeky enough to ask as 2 are going anyway even though they are uninvited), so suddenly that becomes very expensive. Either it will cost the couple more money because they have to pay per person, or it would cost them
in enjoyment because they are at the maximum guests for the room size so would
need to cross people off the list that they actually want there to fill it with distant family they don’t.

IMO. Weddings cost thousands and appear to be highly self indulgent (im not married! So yes probably bitter) but yes if you can't afford it you can't do it, like having kids IMO they shouldn't keep coming if you are skint.

I am totally supportive of them not inviting cousins’ spouses but think the night before and the morning after is a bit precious.

It's not "precious" if they have paid for these facilities for a certain amount of people though, it's logistics, they have paid for a private bar the evening before (which is why it is invitee only) and I assume the are either paying for the breakfast the next morning or they are limited on numbers for whatever room/serving setting they are going to be in?

And if they let you in the evening before, would they feel comfortable telling you you can't come to the wedding itself 'seeing as you are there anyway', now times that by 11 people all doing the same thing, or 9 people being annoyed that they allowed you in for a dance when all their partners respectfully stayed at home? If you really can't understand how awkward you are making it for them by going there and making your presence known then no one here can explain it to you.

The OP said they had no idea about drinks the evening before or breakfast on the day of the wedding being paid for (this should have been on the invitations IMO, a mistake on the bride&groom's side), so It's perfectly OK for the OP to assume that she and her DH could have enjoyed the hotel bars and restaurants at their leisure. It wasn't until they got the letter that they realised that the bar and breakfast room would also be out of bounds.

You invite them all and their spouses or none at all. I have 15 cousins, most of whom are married and it’s a choice I had to make. Two of my cousins were bridesmaids, and another two were school age so came with their parents. If any of them had chosen to turn up anyway to stay in the hotel and come in for a dance or a drink, they’d have been welcome. They couldn’t have been part of any of the pay per head parts of the wedding, but any other part would have been fine.

Its one thing to say you can’t afford to invite them, it’s entirely another to be so exclusionary you have to warn them against coming along to the hotel anyway.