Cousin-in-law’s Wedding Restrictions on spouses.

[Notmotherofflowergirls]

Mother-in-law’s nephew is getting married but I am not invited and neither are any other partners of cousins . I am upset as unfashionable as this is on mumsnet, I love a wedding.

Husband’s brothers-in-law are thrilled that they don’t have to be dragged to an in-law wedding. I would refer to it as a family wedding.

The Groom wrote a letter to all of his 11 first cousins explaining his reasons. I think it’s great that he has included his cousins. It will be nice for them.

I am upset but unreasonable to be so. I am not being singled out.

Now here is my AIBU at last! I was going to stay in the hotel, a really nice one with a spa, I know another cousin’s husband was going too as well to play golf there.

Cousin has now written to everyone again saying that they understand that some spouses are going to the ceremony (I was most definitely NOT going to do this) and taking advantage of the venue’s amenities. He has said that he just wanted to say that a bar was reserved just for this invited guests the night before , this hadn’t occurred to me. There will be no further capacity for the evening (I did think, hope, that they might invite me in for a dance (I have NEVER mentioned this to anyone)and he was hoping guests would all have breakfast together.

What does everyone think? Fair enough for the wedding but all the other restrictions????

It's stupid to offend people who have always shown you courtesy.

But your values clearly differ from mine, to each their own,

I don’t think the breakfast was booked for the wedding guests. It was booked and paid for individually by the guests. The B&G have just instructed they just want it to be family though so no one else is allowed to join even though it is a public venue.

If you're that desperate to stay in a hotel room and "take advantage of the hotels amenities" (by paying for these extra amenities by the sounds of things) there is literally nothing stopping you from doing that by the sounds of it. The cousins have simply informed you the bar is booked for a private event the night before, and they would like to have breakfast with guests in the morning so whole they can't physically stop you from rocking up, staying in the hotel room and paying for a facial they have gently reminded you your presence is not welcome.

Why you would want to though is beyond me. You're hoping to sneak your husband off for drinks which you admitted and wanted to have breakfast with everyone, potentially making an awkward conversation with the other guests as to why you weren't at the wedding.

If you're that desperate for a spa day and a meal out just do it away from the wedding.

Why should they have a smaller wedding than they can afford though? Do you really think everyone has to invite every single person whose wedding they have been to or else have nobody? Because that’s the logical conclusion here.

They ARE trying to have a smaller wedding and OP is still kicking off

Yes, it's my opinion you invite those who invited you, unless you have loss touch or similar.

We clearly disagree. Instead of calling everything I say stupid and nonsense and silly, can you just give it a rest, it's getting boring. Go hound someone else.

How if she’s staying in the hotel? She doesn’t want to fork out about £300 or so quid for another room presumably? This is all about making use of a facility she has already paid for, not her need for a spa break.

I am really surprised no one else has piggy backed off a room their spouse is using for another reason. I’ve done it plenty of times over the years!

The OP is questioning the letter she has received reminding them that only their guests are to enjoy the hotel amenities during the wedding. A very awkward letter IMO.

I think it is perfectly fine for you to go. I'd probably dress very casually so that you don't look like a wedding crasher and crack on with your plans. (Maybe have a dress in your bag just in case you are invited in place of a no-show.)

It’s a weird way to decide the guest list for your wedding in my opinion. What about friends who you are really close to who aren’t married yet? Do they just get shoved off the list for someone who invited you to their wedding years ago?
Plus what if you can’t afford that? Do you invite nobody and not get married?

I am betting that one of the cousins (maybe more) has a spouse who is likely to get drunk and disorderly at the wedding, crash the bar the night before and drink the tab dry, and may have shagged the best man / head bridesmaid or caused some other havoc.

And they have dealt with it by keeping all the spouses at bay.

I see no reason for you not to stay in a hotel room paid for by you and your DH, and to stay well away from the wedding activities as you describe.

Just get on with your walk to the village etc. It’s fine!

But it doesn't say that. It says the wedding has a private bar for guests she won’t be able to use and they are having breakfast together which she also isn’t invited to (and her husband can turn down that bit of the invitation if he likes). Nothing about the ‘amenities’.

I expect the letter was sent because the groom heard about the other spouse who's coming to the same hotel to play golf, and thought, well if he's there I'll feel rude to not invite him to join us. Then imagined it playing out with lots of other spouses.

Not just the extra cost, but then the non-attending spouses hearing about it and getting the wrong end of the stick.

In a way, I can see why there used to be a rule of etiquette not to split spouses... though that would've brought its own problems (mostly financial)

Exactly this - and its not as if the spa etc are included in the price.
The whole thing sounds so awkward. OP will be having breakfast alone too - so I just don't see the point.

Actually even if you think inviting half of a married couple is ok, and 11 extra people yada yada, it’s still really rude to say oh and if you are thinking of staying in the hotel room you’ve paid for, you still can’t come in the bar the night before and buy a drink. and we’d like to exclude you from breakfast (which you’ve also paid for). I mean that’s not about wedding numbers is it?

Exactly.

And plenty of people do it on 'destination weddings' ... accompany people to take advantage of the hotel room and get a bit of a holiday. This is no different.

Just go, avoid the wedding party event areas, and enjoy the amenities and the mini break.

Did you read what op said? The letter was a heads up saying the bar was only for the invited guests, which would have been an area that was private and probably reserved. What’s the issue with that? The wedding breakfast probably was also in a reserved private area, so again if you’re not invited you don’t attend. Why don’t know what the letter said, maybe op should show us

A wedding breakfast isn't breakfast the day after the wedding.

Op @Notmotherofflowergirls can you show us the letter or write up what was said, the exact words used. It will help everyone make up their mind if it was it a friendly heads up about private areas only for guests or a very entitled letter demanding you don’t use the hotel services.

This.

It’s not personal OP.
Either the problem is they have catered for a specific number of people and extras at the bar/breakfast will throw off the quantities, or the venue has restrictions on numbers, probably due to fire regulations, and the couple risk issues with the venue if extra people turn up. To mitigate these problems, there may well be a guest list and a hotel staff member at the door - in which case the groom is just trying to avoid embarrassment for everyone if cousins’ partners try to get in.

If I were going to a wedding and staying over that my husband was not attending I'd find it really odd if he wanted to tag along and hang around the hotel.

Either that or the bride has loads of cousins and the numbers would be too massive.

We had cousins, but no spouses at our wedding. I only have 5 cousins and I knew only 1 of them would travel anyway and they were single so made no difference.

My FIL was one of 15 and MIL one of 9 so DH has nigh on 60 cousins 😂😂 No spouses of cousins is totally the norm in his family (as is inviting some cousins and not others sometimes)

So total strangers? Not quite the same.

Your mother in law’s nephew is getting married, and you’re annoyed you’re not invited? I’m struggling to even remember the names of my mother in law’s nephews!