Cousin-in-law’s Wedding Restrictions on spouses.

[Notmotherofflowergirls]

Mother-in-law’s nephew is getting married but I am not invited and neither are any other partners of cousins . I am upset as unfashionable as this is on mumsnet, I love a wedding.

Husband’s brothers-in-law are thrilled that they don’t have to be dragged to an in-law wedding. I would refer to it as a family wedding.

The Groom wrote a letter to all of his 11 first cousins explaining his reasons. I think it’s great that he has included his cousins. It will be nice for them.

I am upset but unreasonable to be so. I am not being singled out.

Now here is my AIBU at last! I was going to stay in the hotel, a really nice one with a spa, I know another cousin’s husband was going too as well to play golf there.

Cousin has now written to everyone again saying that they understand that some spouses are going to the ceremony (I was most definitely NOT going to do this) and taking advantage of the venue’s amenities. He has said that he just wanted to say that a bar was reserved just for this invited guests the night before , this hadn’t occurred to me. There will be no further capacity for the evening (I did think, hope, that they might invite me in for a dance (I have NEVER mentioned this to anyone)and he was hoping guests would all have breakfast together.

What does everyone think? Fair enough for the wedding but all the other restrictions????

How would anyone invite you in for a dance? Where would you be? What would you be wearing?

sorry what I meant was that people keep saying that the OP should book a hotel somewhere else and have a spa break elsewhere but then she would have to pay double. Why should she? The B&G should pay for the extra room in another hotel if they don’t want her staying in it.

A flatmate and I did it a few times 😂 We were young, hard-up and on a mission to scrounge good food and drinks in as many ways as possible. Had some nice times dancing at various receptions with various people. One rather intimidating mother of the bride challenged me. I told her she was right, I wasn't invited, and it was a marvellous wedding; the canapes were the best I'd seen (well, they were pretty good). She turned out to be a proper charmer and introduced me to everyone as the wedding crasher 😍

This

So you will be there, in the hotel. Where people know you. Unless you are going to walk around in a balaclava people will say

“ So weird, I just saw @Notmotherofflowergirls Wearing huge sunglasses and with her head down scurrying across the foyer/ dining room. That is , I think it was her , but when I said hi she squeaked something about I’m not here you didn’t see me, I am invisible. I never realised she was so standoffish.”

Presumably she hasn’t paid for her spa treatments yet, but if it’s far enough in advance she could likely cancel without a fee. H would want a double room to himself anyway presumably (big bed) but could possibly downgrade to a single if there’s enough time to do so. OP doesn’t give the timeline. Husband can pay for his room himself if OP doesn’t go, it shouldn’t fall on OP to pay unless they’ve gone halves for the big room.

the bride and groom should not be paying for it! OP was never invited in the first place and CHOSE to book the spa. Husband would be staying at hotel anyway, plus he was invited.

most hotels allow you to cancel or change rooms (pending availability) without a fee if done with 48-72 hours notice. If you choose a cheaper room they should refund the difference.

So if one of my cousins marries an heiress and has a massive wedding with hundreds of guests I have to do the same regardless of whether I can afford it? Don’t be silly. Invitations to events like this aren’t automatically reciprocal.

It is the morning after the wedding isn’t it? The B&G are not covering anything financially the day after the wedding.

the OP and her husband don’t think therefore that her being at breakfast would be a big deal as the wedding was finished and presumably everyone will be going to breakfast at different times and heading home.

it was only after it was booked that the B&G have decided that they can dictate to the guests how they can have breakfast the next day (that they aren’t paying for!).

It's not his fault. But I guess it's just a shame he feels the need to do it. I just wouldn't think such things needed to be said. But clearly he has his reasons!

Don't you be silly, no one's talking about inviting hundreds of guests. But if someone invites you to their wedding, you invite them back, unless you're eloping / having a small wedding.

I agree. As the wedding couple haven't paid for the rooms, they have no say in who sleeps in them. Likewise the after-breakfast: they can say they'd like the guests to join them but, as the guests are paying their own, it's up to them to choose their company.

Then have a small wedding. It's rude to leave out OP when she invited them to her wedding and they have seen her hundreds of times since. She isn't stranger they barely meet.

A smaller wedding than they had surely?
Which this clearly is.

No
You invite who you want and they invite who they want

If they leave out spouses it has to be a blanket rule or it would look incredibly unfair

You are allowed to use the room your husband paid for, you just aren’t allowed to use the bar that was booked for a private function that you weren’t invited to and you can’t join a breakfast that was booked for wedding guests.

I think it’s cheeky not to invite spouses when a hotel room needs to be paid for.

Utter nonsense. People are entitled to have who they want and can afford at their own wedding. They don’t have to invite anyone who has ever invited them.

Not that small when all the 11+ cousins are invited.

Smaller than inviting 11 more spouses.

Ah yes, I ser what you mean OP

FWIW I think you've made a wise choice not to go, and anyway the fact they've laid this out may well suggest it's not you alone they're thinking of

For all we know they may have had issues with a whole host of guests expecting this and that, so it may not be personal at all

I do understand her question, and it's still none of her business.
'But here you are' 😂

Of course they're free to do what ever they want, no one is saying they can't.

But OP is also free to ignore them now.

Anyone is free to ignore anyone. But this is a stupid non reason to do so.

Meh. If you want to go and stay in the hotel for the weekend in the room paid for by your husband, I would go. Use the pool and spa, do some local sightseeing, have a couple of nice meals out where you don't have to cook. Bring a good book to do so and make it clear you're going to enjoy some quiet time and pampering and putting about on your own. I wouldn't give any thoughts to what people might think of me.

Smaller is not small.