Cousin-in-law’s Wedding Restrictions on spouses.

[Notmotherofflowergirls]

Mother-in-law’s nephew is getting married but I am not invited and neither are any other partners of cousins . I am upset as unfashionable as this is on mumsnet, I love a wedding.

Husband’s brothers-in-law are thrilled that they don’t have to be dragged to an in-law wedding. I would refer to it as a family wedding.

The Groom wrote a letter to all of his 11 first cousins explaining his reasons. I think it’s great that he has included his cousins. It will be nice for them.

I am upset but unreasonable to be so. I am not being singled out.

Now here is my AIBU at last! I was going to stay in the hotel, a really nice one with a spa, I know another cousin’s husband was going too as well to play golf there.

Cousin has now written to everyone again saying that they understand that some spouses are going to the ceremony (I was most definitely NOT going to do this) and taking advantage of the venue’s amenities. He has said that he just wanted to say that a bar was reserved just for this invited guests the night before , this hadn’t occurred to me. There will be no further capacity for the evening (I did think, hope, that they might invite me in for a dance (I have NEVER mentioned this to anyone)and he was hoping guests would all have breakfast together.

What does everyone think? Fair enough for the wedding but all the other restrictions????

I voted YABU OP sorry.
Because Unlike so many of the family weddings threads people complain about on here..
I think the Groom has been really fair and open about this.
He's told everyone in advance and explained that ALL the cousins are being invited on their own.
He's gone on to let people know what is and isn't paid for by the wedding couple, so no one is embarrassed by assuming they can take part in certain parts of the wedding..
And he's explained why.

He wants to include his 10 cousins, but can't afford an extra 20 places.

I would just accept their rules.

Book another nice hotel yourself for the weekend, maybe with some of the Cousin's partners.

I don't think you are weird OP and I don't see why you shouldn't go and stay in the hotel.

Or you could think “I’d love to have my 11 cousins there but if it means an extra 22 people I’ll have to not invite any of them”

Its really pathetic that people can’t enjoy an event without their partner being next to them.

This is what I’d do , I find the whole thing utterly ridiculous not inviting spouses , my husband and I have been married for 30+ yrs and if we had an invite for just one of us we would just decline . It’s not about not being able to do things without each other , I go away a lot , my husband goes away with work but when it’s our weekends and holidays we just prefer to do things together .

I think this is the most sensible solution!

Of course you should go and stay in the room that your husband & you are paying for.
His cousin can't and shouldn't dictate who should be staying in rooms at the hotel where his wedding Is. He should have booked an exclusive hotel used only for his wedding, if that was the case.
I'm usually hung over & tired the morning after wedding & would prefer to sit at smaller tables anyway, rather than all the wedding guests together.
This happened to us before and we ended up being put sitting at breakfast with friends of the groom. No one at the table had any energy to be making conversation with each other & it was all a bit awkward.
Go and enjoy the spa facilities at the hotel.

Stop pushing yourself in. Go to another posh hotel with a Spa. You will look like you’re hoping for an invite to the reception otherwise.

i can’t see the hotel stay being that peaceful with drunken wedding guests anyway. You want peace after a spa.

Or the OP just gets over it. She isn’t invited, find something else to do. It doesn’t matter if she invited them or not, they don’t think her being there would add anything to the day. Knowing she’s there will make them feel obliged to say ok come in for a drink, it’s lovely to see you.

I think let them have the wedding they want, as you mention you've seen them hundreds of times before, it's bound not to be long till you're all together again and can have a good catch up then.

You are NOT invited!!!! Jesus, take a hint and stay away. Hoping to be asked in for a dance is absolutely mortifying.

Yes to this, there's nothing worse that staying at a hotel with a wedding going on.

Who is going to pay for the second room though?- the whole point of her going is to enjoy the room that she has paid for!

Depending when the wedding it it’s likely she could cancel w/o a fee.

unsure if she’s even booked it/ paid for a room already. She doesn’t say.

@Puzzledandpissedoff the “his family” bit refers to his parents/uncles/aunts/cousins, not his family in sense of his wife and kids - but I can see how it could be read both ways

Because some weddings are small/ the bride and groom can’t afford any more than immediate family. Plus if spouses are allowed, it’s a blanket rule usually. So 30+ year marriages, plus girlfriends of 6 weeks. Total minefield otherwise.

OP have you actually booked and paid for a room and all your spa treatments yet? If so, how long is there until the wedding?

I've read your posts, @Notmotherofflowergirls, not all the replies.

Have you talked to the other cousins? You mentioned one non-invitee wanted to use the golf course; are there others? If some of them were thinking along similar lines, you might end up forming a little posse of 'non-invited non-wedding guests' and make arrangements for your group to have drinks, dinner, breakfast and so forth together.

Could be fun 😎

She's said that her husband has paid for the room and two breakfasts. But he might be able to cancel without charge.

The behaviour of planning to gatecrash a wedding party she’s not invited to, however innocently she will try to make it appear. She should go nowhere near that hotel. If she does, she is lacking in sense and good manners!

Her husband has booked a double room. Personally, I don't see the problem with OP going. She not going to be hanging around all day, she's already been talking about going to see the sights and use the spa.

I've been in hotels where there's been a wedding and seen nothing of it except the odd guest. It's not like she's going to gatecrash anything.

And if someone is so rude as to not give their guests a plus one, especially for a spouse, I think they kinda deserve any discomfort caused by their decision.

You would go to a wedding you’re not invited to…?

Good decision to not go. I think cousin was helpful in being clear about the plans, in advance. Perhaps your husband might have felt a bit torn if all the other cousins and family were in a private bar and you were hoping he'd have a drink with you (or if he know you were alone in your hotel room); and if everyone was having breakfast together, chatting about the wedding and the events of the previous day, how would he feel seeing you sitting on your own?

Perhaps you'd have felt more excluded too, if there are several wedding related gatherings planned.

I didn’t read that her husband had booked already. Husband should pay and go himself. It will look ridiculous if OP is wandering round the hotel to go to spa while drunken wedding guests are crashing about, as they tend to do at weddings. Hardly relaxing, plus it’ll look like she’s hinting for an invite or trying to make the Bride and groom look bad for not inviting her. Not saying she is but that is what it’ll look like. She will 99.999% bump into SOMEONE from the wedding who will ask why she wasn’t there.

Why did the husband, knowing his wife wasn’t invited, pay for two breakfasts? Clearly, neither of them wants to accommodate the wishes of the main people involved.
Selfish and entitled, in my opinion.

Do you already have childcare for your dds OP? I can understand the FOMO so I think it's important that you do something fun that weekend (but not at the same place, to avoid awkwardness)