Cousin-in-law’s Wedding Restrictions on spouses.

[Notmotherofflowergirls]

Mother-in-law’s nephew is getting married but I am not invited and neither are any other partners of cousins . I am upset as unfashionable as this is on mumsnet, I love a wedding.

Husband’s brothers-in-law are thrilled that they don’t have to be dragged to an in-law wedding. I would refer to it as a family wedding.

The Groom wrote a letter to all of his 11 first cousins explaining his reasons. I think it’s great that he has included his cousins. It will be nice for them.

I am upset but unreasonable to be so. I am not being singled out.

Now here is my AIBU at last! I was going to stay in the hotel, a really nice one with a spa, I know another cousin’s husband was going too as well to play golf there.

Cousin has now written to everyone again saying that they understand that some spouses are going to the ceremony (I was most definitely NOT going to do this) and taking advantage of the venue’s amenities. He has said that he just wanted to say that a bar was reserved just for this invited guests the night before , this hadn’t occurred to me. There will be no further capacity for the evening (I did think, hope, that they might invite me in for a dance (I have NEVER mentioned this to anyone)and he was hoping guests would all have breakfast together.

What does everyone think? Fair enough for the wedding but all the other restrictions????

Trouble is, if they realise you're there they might feel guilty not asking you to join in, then by extension paying for your food/drinks as they can't really single you out to pay for your own.

Then if several spouses did that it could really add up.

It is a shame though given you know them well. At least it's clear the lack of invitation wssn't personal.

@Notmotherofflowergirls

I’m with you OP. If my husband had to pay for a hotel room to go to a wedding then I would 100% be staying and using the facilities.

The fact that the groom has sent round a 2nd message about the night before/breakfast the next day… personally I would then only book for the wedding night, I’d stay as clear from the wedding as possible, don’t want to be risked looking like I’m trying to be invited in, but I’d ignore their breakfast comment. You’re allowed to go have breakfast, just maybe sit away from groom and bride if they are being that dickish about it. Chances are half the wedding party will be too hungover to come for breakfast and will still be in bed.

' I wanted to use the hotel room and the facilities.'

and you have the rest of your life to do so...

' All cousins and their partners (not all the same partners now) came to our wedding. '

ah well that was your choice / decision

just like this is his cousin's wedding, thus their choices / decisions

She's allowed to do lots of things if she doesn't mind people thinking she's a lunatic.

What "facilities" are you going to use? You get that most of the "facilities" in hotels with "facilities" are not in on the basic room price?

' I wanted to use the hotel room and the facilities.'
and you have the rest of your life to do so...

But on this occasion it's already been paid for by her DH. Are people really unable to see that a luxury hotel stay is, well a luxury, that no, not everyone can have anytime?

The restriction the night before is only on one bar, though. There’s nothing to stop you and your DH eating in the restaurant or having a drink together in a different bar. And if you’re staying in the hotel you get to eat breakfast!

Exactly. If the wedding party was paying for the rooms and breakfast I’d be a bit more sympathetic to their wants but if the guests are paying, how dare they say who can stay in the room?

You've never met any of your husband's cousins?

MIL's nephew is a bizarre way to describe her husband's cousin.

The bride and groom aren't saying people can't share the hotel room with their spouse though are they?

I think the groom is sending these slightly framtic messages becuase he knows what they've done isn't quite the done thing.

If you have paid for a double room you are not being unreasonable to use it. You have said repeatedly that you are not going to gate crash the wedding.

They are saying they can't have breakfast with then next day, or drinks the night before though.

Well in effect they are aren’t they. That is what is being inferred plus that’s what the pile on is saying to the OP that she is being unreasonable to stay there as it is going against the wishes of the bride and groom.

Exactly. the breakfast is in a public restaurant in the hotel which have been paid for by the OP’s husband.

I can see both sides here. It’s reasonable to use a hotel room /facilities that your household has paid for. On the other hand, the presence of uninvited spouses is likely to make the bride/ groom/ relatives uncomfortable, and could make things tricky for hotel staff. It could also make your husband pretty uncomfortable if he has to duck out of wedding events to accompany you, or ask you to leave wedding activities.

If finances allow, I would use the time to go to a different spa hotel with friends or family members.

Can your husband change to a twin room and share the cost with one of the other cousins?

It sounds like he has a big family! Totally get why he can't invite everyone. 11 cousins is a lot!

I think you're going to have to accept this one OP. The restrictions are that the venue is too small for guests of the guests which I don't think is unreasonable at all. The cousin must have heard that guests of guests will be turning up and he clearly doesn't want it turning into a free for all. To say you hoped you'd be invited in for a dance is also a bit weird tbh - you haven't been invited. Why you would want to spend the day at a hotel when there is a wedding going on that you're not going to is a bit beyond me tbh.

I'd stay at home or book myself somewhere lovely to go to instead.

He didn’t say it was a free bar, he said the bar was reserved for invited guests. Similarly that he hoped the wedding guests would breakfast together. I would assume the room rate includes breakfast, in which case unless the couple have paid for the accommodation, which is unlikely given their appallingly bad manners and penny pinching approach to invitations, it’s a bit cheeky to impose on people’s breakfast plans.
I can’t see a problem with the OP sharing the room and using the facilities and obviously other non invitees have decided to do the same. Why wouldn’t you if you’re paying out for a double room. This is what happens when couples prioritise the venue irrespective of cost or capacity issues.

I am not going now as I wouldn’t want to embarrass the groom in a way many of you suggest it might.

I do not think they are unreasonable not to invite spouses but do think I should be allowed to use a room my husband has paid for.

I would not have expected my husband to leave the wedding to accompany me anywhere.

I don’t need to be compensated for not going to a wedding I can happily stay at home with my daughters.

Why should the bride and groom have less of a wedding because Aunt Flo, Uncle Jon, Aunt Edna had 11 kids rather than keeping it to 2 a piece?

"arrange an event you can afford" - they are, they are not inviting the 11 spouses of cousins.... that way they can afford the event.

Just wondering what level of Ancestry is invitable to you? the cousins spouses? the cousins kids? there's cousins kids spouses? When is too far too far? Not forgetting there's 2 sides...

I’m going a bit against the grain (I think, I haven’t read all the posts) and saying that yanbu. The bridal couple haven’t paid for the room. If they had it would be unreasonable to gatecrash. But why shouldn’t you get to have a relaxing weekend away in a lovely place that you are paying for anyway? You can read, swim, explore nearby places. For those saying you can do this at anytime, well yes but a room has been paid for for this particular weekend. Not everyone has the spare money/free time etc to just have random weekends in luxury hotels.
I think most couples would do this and I think the bridal couple are being unreasonable if they’re trying to insist you don’t.
Just stay away from any wedding areas if you’re worried about being judged for trying to muscle in but otherwise, enjoy!

The bar being reserved for guests implies it’s funded. And besides, it’s reserved for guests. Not hangers on.

And the hotel won’t be happy serving two breakfasts for one room’s guests. The groom has asked guests to eat together, why wouldn’t you make an effort and eat with him?

Did the groom have a +1 at your wedding, OP? That’s what would make me think he is being unreasonable.

I would do the same. If I’ve paid for the room, I’m staying in it. Wouldn’t have a problem keeping away from the wedding! OP I would honestly go and enjoy yourself. Why shouldn’t you?

The groom and his then partner were invited to our wedding along with all cousins and partners if they had one.

The room has been paid for, assuming he's not booked a cheaper single room/rate. Everything else is almost certainly going to be additional cost.