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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask him to get DS showered

109 replies

LoveFridaynight · 29/05/2025 08:33

I will start this by saying I am a SAHM/carer. Due to this I do virtually everything at home and for DS as he can't be left alone unless he's sleeping.
I haven't been feeling great for a while I'm not ill but in a lot of pain with my back and neck. I can't go to the chiropractor until next week as DS is on half term. DS was awake early this morning and I asked DH if he could please just get DS up and shower him before work (we only have a bath over shower so I have to lift DS in and out.)
Obviously DH said no, he hasn't got time before work. I said it's a 5 minute job and you aren't leaving for 40 minutes. DH no I've got stuff to do. I would if I had time.
So of course I do it, hurt myself more and end up feeling pissed off.
I do everything all DS's appointments and exercises with him, as well as normal household/childcare stuff
It's a small thing but it would have ment a lot to me. DS is very full on, absolutely love him to pieces but it's been a hard week and just one less thing to do would have been nice.
I guess I m asking if I was unreasonable to ask DH to get DS ready for one day considering he knows I'm in pain and not sleeping well?
I know DH goes to work and without his salary we'd be screwed but I wasn't asking him to take time off just to do something before he left.

OP posts:
Nicaveron · 29/05/2025 08:42

LoveFridaynight · 29/05/2025 08:33

I will start this by saying I am a SAHM/carer. Due to this I do virtually everything at home and for DS as he can't be left alone unless he's sleeping.
I haven't been feeling great for a while I'm not ill but in a lot of pain with my back and neck. I can't go to the chiropractor until next week as DS is on half term. DS was awake early this morning and I asked DH if he could please just get DS up and shower him before work (we only have a bath over shower so I have to lift DS in and out.)
Obviously DH said no, he hasn't got time before work. I said it's a 5 minute job and you aren't leaving for 40 minutes. DH no I've got stuff to do. I would if I had time.
So of course I do it, hurt myself more and end up feeling pissed off.
I do everything all DS's appointments and exercises with him, as well as normal household/childcare stuff
It's a small thing but it would have ment a lot to me. DS is very full on, absolutely love him to pieces but it's been a hard week and just one less thing to do would have been nice.
I guess I m asking if I was unreasonable to ask DH to get DS ready for one day considering he knows I'm in pain and not sleeping well?
I know DH goes to work and without his salary we'd be screwed but I wasn't asking him to take time off just to do something before he left.

I guess it was a bit of an ask before he left for work. Could DS have shower before bed ? DH could do this when he gets in from work. He should be helping you as you’re unwell. How old is DS.

TY78910 · 29/05/2025 08:44

Hmm. How is your relationship generally? Just by this scenario alone, I am with your DH. Showering DC is never just 5mins, 40mins is not a long time to get ready and I suppose he has his own routine in the morning before he leaves. If you asked him last night for help with this, he could have factored that in, but to be thrown an extra task on your plate when you wake up is different.

If he is generally like this, and doesn’t pull his weight at home regardless of when you ask, or is dismissive of your pain, then I might be more sympathetic. But on this scenario alone YABU

ExtraOnions · 29/05/2025 08:47

Showering would never take 5 minutes, from start to end.

Maybe don’t shower him this morning, unless absolutely necessary.

Not saying your DH doesn’t need to do more, but maybe not the time.

MumChp · 29/05/2025 08:49

It's never just 5 minutes. Ask DH to shower ds before bedtime.

Feelingdownbutnotout · 29/05/2025 08:49

It's horrible OP the number of husbands and partners who won't do a small thing for the person they share their lives with and who they supposedly love. That they will watch their partner in pain rather than lift a finger to help.

It beggars belief to me the total lack of normal human kindness displayed by a lot of men in their relationships.

I'm not surprised you are upset OP.

Sameasiteverwas8 · 29/05/2025 08:49

I agree. I wouldn’t have expected by DH to do that in this situation. If he had notice then sure and he should be helping you if you’re unwell. It’s fine to ask in evening when he’s not rushing to get ready for work.

rainbowstardrops · 29/05/2025 08:49

I don’t think you were being unreasonable at all! You’re in pain and he had 40 minutes to get himself sorted! You’re supposed to be a team FFS

JellyAnd · 29/05/2025 08:52

If DS is young enough that he needs supervision to shower then surely he’s young enough to not get stinky and as one off can skip the morning shower??
… posted to soon… meant to also add that perhaps DH could shower him at bedtime every other day until you’re better.

yestothat · 29/05/2025 08:53

if his needs are so severe he can’t be left alone unless he’s sleeping then I can’t imagine showering him is just a 5 minute job.

I think you were unreasonable to ask him 40 minutes before he had to leave where he would already have planned the things he needed to do. would have been reasonable to have asked the day before so he had a chance to plan to fit it in.

easy answer is you need to change the bathroom set up so you don’t have to lift him in and out. How old is he? Can he use steps?

TY78910 · 29/05/2025 08:54

rainbowstardrops · 29/05/2025 08:49

I don’t think you were being unreasonable at all! You’re in pain and he had 40 minutes to get himself sorted! You’re supposed to be a team FFS

But surely more context is needed? Within that 40 mins he needs to shower himself, does he have breakfast? What sort of job does he do - is it flexible so that he’s able to be a little late, or is it shift work where he will get disciplined if late? Does he rely on specific public transport like train that turns up at a specific time and then another one doesn’t turn up for half an hour? It’s hard to judge this

Original poster
LoveFridaynight · 29/05/2025 08:56

DS has to be showered in the morning because he takes his nappy off in the night despite the million things I've tried to stop it so smells of wee or worse poo when he wakes up.
I guess it's unreasonable of me to ask DH to step up and do something for his child. It really is a short shower. Get DS wet, use shower gel or soap and wash him off. I wasn't asking DH to dry or dress him or do his breakfast. Just save my back a bit.
I can accept I've been unreasonable and won't ask again in the morning.

OP posts:
Bunnybear42 · 29/05/2025 08:58

just seen your update so edited my post!
in that case you should ask DH to get up 10/15 minutes earlier each work day to help you bath DS before work!
it’s unreasonable to expect you to do this if you have back issues particularly if just getting up a few minutes earlier would solve the problem !
hope you feel better soon

Sirzy · 29/05/2025 09:00

Obviously something needs to change and he needs to pull his weight when home BUT I’m not sure just before he needs to get ready for work is the right time to push for that.

if it’s only a wash down shower could you do just do a good flannel wash instead of trying to lift him into the bath?

Presuming this is disability related have you started the process to get the bathroom adapted to meet needs?

faerietales · 29/05/2025 09:11

I think it’s fine to ask but with a bit more notice.

rainbowstardrops · 29/05/2025 09:11

To be honest, you shouldn’t have even needed to ask him to help. He knows you’re in pain right now and not sleeping well. Any decent husband would have done it regardless!

Original poster
LoveFridaynight · 29/05/2025 09:14

DS does have additional needs so he's 4 but in many ways is like a child half his age (according to his school and paediatric doctor). The house is rented so it's not as easy as just changing the bathroom round and not actually sure you could..
Just to answer a few other questions. DH showers after work and was already washed and dressed when I asked. He doesn't eat breakfast just had a cup of tea. He drives to work and while I assume his boss wouldn't be thrilled if he was late as a one off is unlikely to say anything.
I suppose this is the down side of being a SAHM (no sick leave).

OP posts:
Whatdafudge · 29/05/2025 09:17

I don’t think your request was unreasonable. That’s if you aren’t always asking him to step in and help. Even if your partner has a routine and doing the shower would have thrown him out i still don’t think it was unreasonable. I think it’s sad he would rather you in pain than just quickly help. He could have literally put him in the bath whilst you washed him and got him back out when you had finished if time was so tight. X

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 29/05/2025 09:18

YANBU at all. At ALL. You both have a child with additional needs and any time before or after his work should be shared care. He didn't need 40 minutes to sit on his ass before work, he just couldn't be bothered. He's a prick.

fiveIsNewOne · 29/05/2025 09:24

YANBU.
You asked for a tiny bit of flexibility.
I suppose it would be better to ask before he got fully dressed, but he should have sucked it up for once and plan to do it earlier the next day.

Riaanna · 29/05/2025 09:27

LoveFridaynight · 29/05/2025 09:14

DS does have additional needs so he's 4 but in many ways is like a child half his age (according to his school and paediatric doctor). The house is rented so it's not as easy as just changing the bathroom round and not actually sure you could..
Just to answer a few other questions. DH showers after work and was already washed and dressed when I asked. He doesn't eat breakfast just had a cup of tea. He drives to work and while I assume his boss wouldn't be thrilled if he was late as a one off is unlikely to say anything.
I suppose this is the down side of being a SAHM (no sick leave).

I don’t think it was fair to ask him to start mucking around showering a child that is covered in wee and / or poo when he was already ready for work.

Blackdow · 29/05/2025 09:28

Does your husband take over at the weekends so you get a break?

EFB2025 · 29/05/2025 09:33

I understand you're in pain, but ultimately he's going to do, presumably, a full day's work?! Maybe being slightly unreasonable. Can't you just give your son a good wash, with hot soapy water, out of the sink? Then ask your husband to help with a shower tonight? Not exactly going to do any harm...Smile

Original poster
LoveFridaynight · 29/05/2025 09:35

No he doesn't do it on weekends either because he's tired from work (obviously I'm not tired from caring for our child). I think what annoys me is that he always, always says just ask me for help but when I do he says no.
He could have showered DS in his work clothes they are covered in oil, grease and grass stains anyway so it's not like he's wearing a suit or something.
I won't ask in the morning again though as it's not worth it and it does seem I was unreasonable.

OP posts:
EFB2025 · 29/05/2025 09:36

Ohhh ok, sorry. If he's doing a manual job, where he's going to get filthy anyway,.I guess it wouldn't have hurt. Plus, not helping at the weekends is not on, really?!

Bloodtuch · 29/05/2025 09:37

Obviously asking him for help and support isn't at all unreasonable, but I don't think fitting un unscheduled shower for a child into your morning routine is a reasonable request.

I'd have expected DH to say something along the lines of DS go and wash your face and get dressed, we'll do bath tonight.