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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask him to get DS showered

109 replies

LoveFridaynight · 29/05/2025 08:33

I will start this by saying I am a SAHM/carer. Due to this I do virtually everything at home and for DS as he can't be left alone unless he's sleeping.
I haven't been feeling great for a while I'm not ill but in a lot of pain with my back and neck. I can't go to the chiropractor until next week as DS is on half term. DS was awake early this morning and I asked DH if he could please just get DS up and shower him before work (we only have a bath over shower so I have to lift DS in and out.)
Obviously DH said no, he hasn't got time before work. I said it's a 5 minute job and you aren't leaving for 40 minutes. DH no I've got stuff to do. I would if I had time.
So of course I do it, hurt myself more and end up feeling pissed off.
I do everything all DS's appointments and exercises with him, as well as normal household/childcare stuff
It's a small thing but it would have ment a lot to me. DS is very full on, absolutely love him to pieces but it's been a hard week and just one less thing to do would have been nice.
I guess I m asking if I was unreasonable to ask DH to get DS ready for one day considering he knows I'm in pain and not sleeping well?
I know DH goes to work and without his salary we'd be screwed but I wasn't asking him to take time off just to do something before he left.

OP posts:
Nicebottleofred · 29/05/2025 14:51

LoveFridaynight · 29/05/2025 13:02

Tbf I do get 2 hours a day when he's at school Monday to Thursday so that's my time. DH gets his time on a Saturday when he does his hobby.
I suppose it's equal more or less but it doesn't feel it because I'm doing housework etc in those 2 hours whereas Saturday is all about his hobby.
But that's what it is I was really just wondering if I'd been unreasonable this morning

Yeah that’s not equal is it. Housework isn’t your hobby.

crumblingschools · 29/05/2025 15:04

Can you get a hoist/seat thing similar to things that elderly people use to get in the bath?

Minnie798 · 29/05/2025 15:23

Perfectly reasonable to expect dh to contribute to family life. As someone who works full time, I have to admit I wouldn't have appreciated the timing. I have a morning routine before going to work and would need to get up a bit earlier if I had something else to do ( yes even for 5 minutes).

LoremIpsumCici · 29/05/2025 15:29

Bunnybear42 · 29/05/2025 08:58

just seen your update so edited my post!
in that case you should ask DH to get up 10/15 minutes earlier each work day to help you bath DS before work!
it’s unreasonable to expect you to do this if you have back issues particularly if just getting up a few minutes earlier would solve the problem !
hope you feel better soon

Edited

This is really spot on advice.

JellyAnd · 29/05/2025 15:56

LoveFridaynight · 29/05/2025 13:02

Tbf I do get 2 hours a day when he's at school Monday to Thursday so that's my time. DH gets his time on a Saturday when he does his hobby.
I suppose it's equal more or less but it doesn't feel it because I'm doing housework etc in those 2 hours whereas Saturday is all about his hobby.
But that's what it is I was really just wondering if I'd been unreasonable this morning

Housework is not free time! In this scenario I’d consider it equal to DH’s work work. The equivalent to his hobby time on Saturday would be you having the same amount of time on Sundays. 2 hours when DS is in nursery or at school that you use to clean the bathroom is not ‘you time’ FFS. Your current set up is so grossly unfair OP.

MissRaspberryRipples · 29/05/2025 16:53

LoveFridaynight · 29/05/2025 08:56

DS has to be showered in the morning because he takes his nappy off in the night despite the million things I've tried to stop it so smells of wee or worse poo when he wakes up.
I guess it's unreasonable of me to ask DH to step up and do something for his child. It really is a short shower. Get DS wet, use shower gel or soap and wash him off. I wasn't asking DH to dry or dress him or do his breakfast. Just save my back a bit.
I can accept I've been unreasonable and won't ask again in the morning.

In that case maybe ask hubby the night before if he could possibly get up a little earlier in the morning to shower your son to help you out. Asking him when he's up with time to sort himself doesn't give him much time to do that if he needs to add in showering a little one. You're not asking him to get him fully ready just get him in and out of the shower. It's not gonna hurt him to get up 15mins earlier to help his wife with the child you share whilst you're not well

SmoothRoads · 29/05/2025 16:57

Of course you are not unreasonable to ask your partner to parent his own child, which it seems he has not been doing.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 29/05/2025 16:57

You might have asked him to lift him in and out of the bath only to save your back ... that would have been a couple of minutes only.

Mh67 · 29/05/2025 17:00

It really depends I know my husband and adult daughter both have their morning timed to the second. If hubby is like that I get him bothering at short notice. But if he had free time that's not on

Poppyfun1 · 29/05/2025 17:12

Anyone who voted this lady was being unreasonable is a pos

mummybear35 · 29/05/2025 17:28

It all depends when you asked. My husband wakes up an hour before he leaves for work but he showers and gets suited up and then checks his emails etc and preps his papers to go to work so he wouldn’t be able to help and I wouldn’t ask him to as I know he’s got a routine and stuff to do before leaving for work. Perhaps if you needed help in the morning, tell him the night before so he can factor it in to his pre-work schedule and not spring it on him last minute?

wherethewildrosesgrow · 29/05/2025 17:29

Two hours housework, is not two hours downtime.
DH could shower DC a couple of mornings a week with notice.

Isobel201 · 29/05/2025 17:30

I'd ask your landlord, see if you can change the bath to one of those walk in ones?

BeenzManeenz · 29/05/2025 17:35

In this specific instance I think you should have mentioned it the night before. If I was in the middle of getting ready for the office I might have said no to my OH.

However, as a general point, no youre not being unreasonable at all. You're not asking your DH to do half the care, he should chip in. Paying the bills is not the only thing he should be doing as a father and husband

It doesn't matter whether you're sick or not tbh. I'd sit him down and have an open hearted chat, that you are struggling and you need his support. Suggest a couple of things he can pick up and give him plenty of notice.

It can be irritating as hell trying to manage your OH, believe me I've been there. But sounds like he needs to be pushed in the right direction.

BeenzManeenz · 29/05/2025 17:42

LoveFridaynight · 29/05/2025 13:02

Tbf I do get 2 hours a day when he's at school Monday to Thursday so that's my time. DH gets his time on a Saturday when he does his hobby.
I suppose it's equal more or less but it doesn't feel it because I'm doing housework etc in those 2 hours whereas Saturday is all about his hobby.
But that's what it is I was really just wondering if I'd been unreasonable this morning

Um no. It isn't what it is. The fact your free time is spent cleaning and his is spent doing a hobby perfectly illustrates the overarching issue here - you are expected to pick up all the slack of parenting and housekeeping while he has a hobby. One of the reasons I imagine he said no this morning.

Being a SAHM doesn't mean you shouldn't have a life! Find a hobby yourself, go for a walk, shopping, whatever it is you find interesting. Then things are equal.

This matters because if your OH doesn't see you as equals of course he's dumping everything on you. Its quite selfish.

happyandhopefull · 29/05/2025 18:03

Some of these answers give me the rage. The op is injured, her son regularly showers in the morning. Why was it the ops responsibility to ask her husband/skip the shower/ask earlier. Why is the op is expected to take that load, why didn’t her husband understand he needed to shower their son in the morning and take responsibility as a parent? An ‘unreasonable request’, ‘give him more notice’, really?

Emmz1510 · 29/05/2025 18:09

You’ve not been unreasonable OP. Mumsnet amazes me sometimes in their tolerance of all things in the useless dad category. God forbid anyone tamper with the sanctity of the man’s 40 minute morning routine……not even his poor wife with a sore back…..

lessglittermoremud · 29/05/2025 18:20

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all, he could have easily have lifted him in for you a quick wash and lifted him out and left you to dry and get him dressed.
Although my youngest doesn’t have additional needs it literally only takes me 5 mins to wash him from top to toe after swimming lessons.
Even accounting for extra wiggling etc it wouldn’t have taken longer then 10-15 minutes to do a quick shower.
Being a full time carer to a child with additional needs is relentless and isolating, your DH needs to make sure that you are able to get time to rest.

oncemoreuntothebeachdearfriends · 29/05/2025 18:37

YABU to ask him without prior warning.
Getting ready for work is a fine art, expecting additional chores will make anyone late for work.

crumblingschools · 29/05/2025 18:38

Can posters stop with the DH could ‘help’ OP, no he should be parenting. In fact he shouidn’t need to be told that she might need him to do the shower, he should bloody realise that with a bad back she is struggling and he should step up.

RoseAndGeranium · 29/05/2025 18:57

LoveFridaynight · 29/05/2025 08:56

DS has to be showered in the morning because he takes his nappy off in the night despite the million things I've tried to stop it so smells of wee or worse poo when he wakes up.
I guess it's unreasonable of me to ask DH to step up and do something for his child. It really is a short shower. Get DS wet, use shower gel or soap and wash him off. I wasn't asking DH to dry or dress him or do his breakfast. Just save my back a bit.
I can accept I've been unreasonable and won't ask again in the morning.

Poor OP, you sound very tired and worn down. You weren’t unreasonable to ask, he probably wasn’t unreasonable to say no. That said, I do wonder why you didn’t give him the shower and then have DH lift him out? Less time needed for DH, less pain for you, hopefully. But it does sound like you generally need some help and a bit of a break, in which case maybe it’s not really about the shower, anyway. Perhaps that’s the conversation to have with DH.

Fairyvocals · 29/05/2025 19:04

I’m fucking enraged on your behalf. There’s absolutely no way my DP would prioritise his morning pottering time and leave me to struggle alone with our disabled DD.
I genuinely can’t believe he said no when you’re in pain.
I second the advice from a pp about asking for an OT assessment at home. They arranged for equipment to be provided and for steps and stair rails to be put in to give DD more independence and to stop us from knackering our backs.
(Separately, why is your son only doing 2 hours a day at school?)

JaneEyre40 · 29/05/2025 19:09

Nicaveron · 29/05/2025 08:42

I guess it was a bit of an ask before he left for work. Could DS have shower before bed ? DH could do this when he gets in from work. He should be helping you as you’re unwell. How old is DS.

Show quote history

He had 40 minutes!!

JaneEyre40 · 29/05/2025 19:13

LoveFridaynight · 29/05/2025 13:02

Tbf I do get 2 hours a day when he's at school Monday to Thursday so that's my time. DH gets his time on a Saturday when he does his hobby.
I suppose it's equal more or less but it doesn't feel it because I'm doing housework etc in those 2 hours whereas Saturday is all about his hobby.
But that's what it is I was really just wondering if I'd been unreasonable this morning

You absolutely haven't! You need to talk to your husband. You work more hours than he does for God sake! When do you get your time!?

Mischance · 29/05/2025 19:17

Could OH not have simply done the olifting bits?