To ask him to get DS showered

[LoveFridaynight]

I will start this by saying I am a SAHM/carer. Due to this I do virtually everything at home and for DS as he can't be left alone unless he's sleeping.
I haven't been feeling great for a while I'm not ill but in a lot of pain with my back and neck. I can't go to the chiropractor until next week as DS is on half term. DS was awake early this morning and I asked DH if he could please just get DS up and shower him before work (we only have a bath over shower so I have to lift DS in and out.)
Obviously DH said no, he hasn't got time before work. I said it's a 5 minute job and you aren't leaving for 40 minutes. DH no I've got stuff to do. I would if I had time.
So of course I do it, hurt myself more and end up feeling pissed off.
I do everything all DS's appointments and exercises with him, as well as normal household/childcare stuff
It's a small thing but it would have ment a lot to me. DS is very full on, absolutely love him to pieces but it's been a hard week and just one less thing to do would have been nice.
I guess I m asking if I was unreasonable to ask DH to get DS ready for one day considering he knows I'm in pain and not sleeping well?
I know DH goes to work and without his salary we'd be screwed but I wasn't asking him to take time off just to do something before he left.

Does he contribute anything to family other than money? I would look and see what you'd be entitled to if you split up, plus he would turn have to look after his own child solo and you would get actual time to yourself. I can't see the benefit to staying with him, he sounds lazy and a shitty person.

You absolutely do not get 2 hours a day if that 2 hours a day is spent doing housework!

Tell your DH that he needs to get up earlier for the next few days to shower DS as you need to let your back recover. Otherwise he'll be doing all of the care for considerably longer if you end up broken!

Before work, after work and weekends should be split time. Your job is your DS while your DH is at work. The rest of the time should be 50/50

The problem with that is that he wouldn't "have" to have their DS solo. Like many men do, especially when children have extra needs, he could simply walk away.

She wouldn't be any worse off than she is now even in that case. I couldn't be with such a selfish man, I'd rather be on my own

Those two hours a day you get during school is what you're using to do housework and prepare teas for after school and work. That's not time for yourself. Your hubby needs to step up and realise that he's also a parent and needs to take some responsibility also. Yes you're a stay at home parent but you're the one doing all of the parenting while he's at work and feels entitled to do nothing to help. Can you apply for any home help in the mornings at all even if it's only a couple mornings a week to help you get your son ready for school on a morning?

Personally if you'd have asked me on the morning it would have been a no I don't have time, I know exactly what needs to be done when so I can leave the house in time to get to work.
If you'd asked the night before then it would have been a yes because I'd be able to get up earlier, so my lunch the night before etc.

I was like you op. Dh did help a bit but I bore the brunt of it. My back got worse and worse eventually it just seized and i collapsed and couldn’t walk. I spent two weeks in hospital had to live upstairs for two weeks after I came home. I had carers, physio. Six months on I’m starting to see light at the end of the tunnel bBut dh is still having to do all dog walks, half school runs, any heavy lifting all whilst working full time. Your dh would be better off helping you now before it gets worse.

Why aren’t you showering him before bed?

Also, why shower him if he doesn’t have school? Or why not teach him to crawl into the bath himself?

I can’t believe people have voted YABU!!!
You absolutely are NOT being unreasonable and your DH is a dick. I’d remind him that if your back goes completely, he will have to do ALL the caring of your DS, and that you are not there to allow him to absolve himself of any responsibility of caring for his own child.
Moving forward, you need to set up a rota of tasks that need to be done and who will do them. Bathing your child in the morning sounds like a 2 person task - so both of you should complete it. If it means your DH has to get up 10 minutes earlier, then so be it! The fact that you do not go out of the house to do paid work is a red herring here. You work in the house taking care of your DS. It would be difficult for you to work full time as it would likely be very hard to get childcare oin the holidays at the moment. Presumably your DH agreed to you being a SAHM, so he needs to give you his full support.

Did you read all her posts? He wears a nappy and during the night often takes it off resulting in him being soared in urine or faeces. Should the OP just give him a once over with a wet wipe???

Hopefully you'd have the compassion and insight to know that as your child regularly needs a bath before school and your partner has a bad back you’d step up and do the job yourself?

He’s the child’s father FFS! Does he need to be warned on a daily basis that his son will need a bath every morning and that his wife has a bad back? What sort of dick would ignore those facts eh?

Of course he should help but asking him 40 minutes before work is a bit last minute and unrealistic I don’t have time for anything extra 40 mins before work.

It’s something to be organised the night before with DH so he can factor it in his schedule.

the compromise would be asking DH for help with the lifting or washing DS the night before.

change your routine for now while your hurt so DH can do it in the evenings.

sorry for your back OP, it is hell

OP has stated several times now, he NEEDS a shower in the morning as he manages to remove his nappy and is covered in pee and occasionally poo. Bottom line is DH needs to step tf up! Heaven forbid his morning cuppa time is disrupted before he goes to work.

Don’t do housework in those 2 hours rest.

unless The house is a shit tip, once dc is dropped off out on the dishwasher and then go back to bed and have a nap.

tidy when DC gets back.

Give more notice next time. Discuss these matters the night before. Then your DH would be more open to helping.

Phew, I thought I was going crazy with these other replies.
He needs to get up earlier, not to help but to do more of his share

Of course DH should be pulling his weight but asking someone to wash a pooey child in their work clothes isn’t realistic.

yes her DH “should” be more intuitive and not need telling but that’s not the question.

OP have the conversation tonight DH needs to get up earlier to wash DS. Get some aides to DS can eventually get on and out himself with supervision, steps, handlebars and grips. You can get self adhesive ones.

I can see why you're pissed off, plus you're in pain which is horrid.
Would it have made a difference if you'd asked him the night before?

Or if asking on the spot, just asked him to do the lifting?

It would have been nice if he'd offered, or just said "yes of course" 😞
But some people have little routines and don't like last minute changes to them

Can’t believe the replies on here! Yanbu

I appreciate it's yet another thing for you to have to have to deal with but have you requested an occupational therapy assessment?

A bath board or a bath lift might help. It wouldn't require structural adaptations to your property but would make moving and handling easier..

You haven't read the thread have you? At least read the op's posts before replying?

"Crawl into the bath"

Pardon?

Are you okay?! Because that is at best, an incredibly weird suggestion. He is a child with special needs, have a bit of humanity.

I know!

Maybe, if op gently stoked hubby’s brow and in hushed tones suggested that perhaps, maybe he could get up slightly earlier so he could help with his child’s basic hygiene, he might be receptive? Of course she’d have to plan well ahead, lest she startle him with any completely unexpected demands to be a parent - he shouldn’t have to do without his morning coffee, after all.

I’m just surprised none of the ‘pick me’s’ have suggested offering hubby a little reward for being such a brilliant dad - if you know what I mean 😉🤦🏻‍♀️