To ask him to get DS showered

[LoveFridaynight]

I will start this by saying I am a SAHM/carer. Due to this I do virtually everything at home and for DS as he can't be left alone unless he's sleeping.
I haven't been feeling great for a while I'm not ill but in a lot of pain with my back and neck. I can't go to the chiropractor until next week as DS is on half term. DS was awake early this morning and I asked DH if he could please just get DS up and shower him before work (we only have a bath over shower so I have to lift DS in and out.)
Obviously DH said no, he hasn't got time before work. I said it's a 5 minute job and you aren't leaving for 40 minutes. DH no I've got stuff to do. I would if I had time.
So of course I do it, hurt myself more and end up feeling pissed off.
I do everything all DS's appointments and exercises with him, as well as normal household/childcare stuff
It's a small thing but it would have ment a lot to me. DS is very full on, absolutely love him to pieces but it's been a hard week and just one less thing to do would have been nice.
I guess I m asking if I was unreasonable to ask DH to get DS ready for one day considering he knows I'm in pain and not sleeping well?
I know DH goes to work and without his salary we'd be screwed but I wasn't asking him to take time off just to do something before he left.

Yanbu. It sounds like literally all he does is go to work and that's it. You have a really hard and 24/7 job in caring for a disabled dc. If he was single he wouldn't be able to do nothing, he'd have to do some cooking/coeaning/washing. You aren't his slave. I'd start working out ways of doing what you want and need. If dc is in childcare, rest up some of that time and don't just do housework etc. you deserve equal downtime to your H and he probably will be very resistant to that happening so you need to find ways to quietly quit otherwise you'll end up incredibly resentful. Then you'll end up back on mn and everyone will say you've been a martyr and why didn't you occasionally put yourself first.

Sorry to be that person, but I’d never thought of this until a friend had the night nappy problem. Have you tried putting a sleep suit on back to front - zip at the back and then something over the top? Surely that would be hard to remove?!

Also, I think he could have showered him. But I can see why he might not want to. Maybe you need to tell him you’re looking into expensive care options while you’re ill.

Except DS wouldn't understand what he was talking about. And he'd still smell. The really unfortunate thing is I can't just not shower him like I could with an NT child. DS has a shower, that's his routine. If I don't shower him it will result in a meltdown which could last a few minutes or nearly half an hour.

Looking after elderly relative with dementia and doubly incontinent/ smearing faeces we used an oversized onesie and put it on backwards. It was the only thing that worked.
However, I also don't want to be that person.
OP, do you get any support from incontinence services?
I think your husband is being very unreasonable. Just for once he could have stepped up.

It sounds like on the whole, he really needs to do more of the childcare. Even though you are a SAHM, he should also be involved in looking after the children when he is at home. In this specific circumstance of asking when he was getting ready for work, maybe he didn't have time but he should be taking on some of the tasks that are more difficult (like showers) while your back is sore- probably just with a bit more notice so if he knows the night before he can get up early if needed.

I don't think you're being unreasonable. I get he was going to work but that's his child ffs. He should be helping and bollocks to this tired at the weekend nonsense. Bet he still does things he wants to do.

He needs to up his game and be a parent. When he comes home tonight tell him he needs to get up early tomorrow to do the shower as you're in pain. Remind him he's the dad so it's 50/50 regardless of who stays at home.

You're not being unreasonable. He should have taken some of the parenting burden this morning. What would he do if you hurt your back so badly you couldn't care for DS?

Not unreasonable at all. You are unwell and your DH needs to step up. If it was a one off and he genuinely didn’t have time that’s fair enough. But your posts suggest this is an ongoing pattern. Realistically until you’re better I’d be expecting him to get up 10mins earlier so he did have time to support you and his son by doing the shower.

Ok your updates explain the need for the morning shower. In general DH needs to be giving you far more support and pitching it much more than he is. As for this morning it should have been discussed last night really so it wasn’t sprung on him when he was dressed for work, even with a manual job grease or whatever isn’t comparable to poo, and when he wasn’t expecting to have to find time in his morning routine. Even the most dedicated of hands of parents might struggle with that one. But your bigger issue is that he isn’t doing his share at weekends and says no when you ask for help. That isn’t on at all.

Of course you’re not being unreasonable to ask for help with your child from their father!
If you’re in pain I’m stunned that you’ve even had to ask, a good father and partner would have recognised this, offered to help and got up 10 mins earlier if time is an issue.
Honestly I’m disgusted by your “partner” and his lack of consideration for your pain and your child’s needs. And he doesn’t help at the weekend because he’s tired?! Yes going to work is tiring and hard but it doesn’t override parental responsibility - especially at weekends.

Would ds be able to use steps up to the bath? Would a suction type grab rail help?
There are so many bathroom aids available now I hope you can find something to enable you to avoid lifting.

No support yet but we are on the waiting list. I took thought buying a onesie with a zip and button on the back would stop him. He still manages it . We even pinned the shoulders of the onsite so it wouldn't be so loose round his neck but he just pulls and struggles until he gets out. We don't actually know how he does it. He clearly wakes up at some point (which also worries me) and removes it

So he doesn’t do any of the hard work of parenting? That’s not on. He needs to step up on weekends and give you a break from caring.
Caring can destroy you; his work won’t destroy him. You need a break. He sound alike a shit dad. Stop saying he is a good dad when he isn’t.

I think this particular situation could go either way, but you need a sustainable plan for future. He should get up 20 minutes early and help you get ready for the day. And absolutely take one morning on the weekend while you take the other.

Er YANBU.

What parent of a young child - especially one with additional needs - has 40
minutes to themselves to get themselves ready in the morning?? I bet you don’t get that OP.

Of course you should expect the father of your child to actually parent the child. Even if you weren’t in pain, refusing to do any parenting at all because you’re tired from working is absolute bullshit. This isn’t going to work long term, op, you’ll burn out. You must speak to your husband about this - things need to change.

It sounds like you’re both being a bit unreasonable. Your partners workday starts when he leaves the house not when he’s getting ready. Before that you should both be on 50:50 duties. If that means he needs to get up earlier then so be it. But being a SAHM muddies the water and you can’t expect him to understand this when it’s not been previously discussed. Springing it on him was unreasonable and not looking for alternatives eh the flannel or using a stool for son to climb up himself with guidance.

you also mention half term so presumably your child is normally in school / nursery so I guess you do normally get way more free time than your partner so you’re always going to be out of balance. And maybe it means you do need to solely do the morning duty rather than share as I said earlier. But it needs to be agreed in advance… are you partners and what sort of partnership works for your family set up as it’s not one size fits all

Just trying to imagine any of the working women I know not doing this for their kid before going to work......I'd be prepared to bet most of them are working more hours than he is.

He needs to step up. Tomorrow would be a great time to start.

YANBU at the least he just needed to do the lifting to get him in and out whilst you washed him. It would have taken seconds either side of the shower.

On a side note are you able to get an OT referral for your son. At 4 now he isn't too bad but he's going to mash your back up further as he gets older and heavier. An OT may have some options that don't require fixed adaptations to your bathroom as I appreciate you rent. Say if your son was 14 and your DH wasn't about you need to forward plan to how you would lift him. I guess the earlier you start the longer you have for your son to adjust.

Would love OP to ask him tonight for support with tomorrow’s shower so I can give a final verdict on this man!

You’re right. Don’t ask him in the morning - TELL HIM
I can’t believe he doesn’t even help you at the weekend. When do you get downtime?

Was he aware you were in pain?

Tbf I do get 2 hours a day when he's at school Monday to Thursday so that's my time. DH gets his time on a Saturday when he does his hobby.
I suppose it's equal more or less but it doesn't feel it because I'm doing housework etc in those 2 hours whereas Saturday is all about his hobby.
But that's what it is I was really just wondering if I'd been unreasonable this morning

No, it’s not equal. Spending the 2 hours ‘free’ you have each day cleaning the house isn’t the same as your husband having time on a Saturday to indulge in his hobby. This isn’t good, op.