Is this normal in your household ?

[littleweedandherflowers]

If a man has flu he gets the day off work just like that ! But if the sahp feels really unwell they just have to muddle through ! Is this normal in other households ? I feel absolutely horrendous less then two weeks till I have baby and I’ve got either a really nasty cold or flu! I don’t expect him to stay home all the time I just feel Awful!
I asked partner if he could ask for the day off given that I need to rest as much as I can and be well to have our baby and he was adamant no his boss wouldn’t let him however i remember him being “ sent home “ for a cold many months ago ! How is it fair ? I’m just having a moan whilst I struggle to get out of bed to have a fun filled day with my little ones! X

My DH used to be like yours and was rarely unwell and refused to take time off work to help me if I was unwell, and it used to drive me fucking bananas. I’d be projectile vomiting down the hallway and he’d cheerfully go off to work.

However, he became very seriously ill and ended up in hospital for a while and then had to leave work and take his pension early.

Since then, he’s also had a personality transplant. 😂 He can no longer drive so I have to do a lot of the practical stuff and he’s been brilliant and a total team player. If I wake up and say I had a rubbish nights sleep, he tells me to stay in bed and he’ll get on with doing the school duties etc.

I think until they spend time in your shoes, a lot of men are clueless about how much slack we pick up even when we’re feeling very rough. When you have your baby, step back and make him look after the other 2 for the duration of paternity leave and don’t let him use the grandparents to help him out either!!

to be honest yes it’s the same in my family. DH doesn’t take sick leave when I am ill. He doesn’t see it as his responsibility to pick up my slack. He is WFH and can nap in the day or secretly watch a football match etc if he wants, but he doesn’t allocate time to make up for me when i am struggling because his work hours are “his time”.

When I was pregnant with my second baby I had horrendous morning sickness: daily vomiting for months. I did feel a bit resentful that I had given up my job to be a SAHM because no matter what people on here will say, it was so much harder caring for a toddler than it was in my WFH desk job that I had in my first pregnancy.

Fortunately we’re now in a position to get babysitters in to help me, but we only started that recently.

Exactly this. It wouldn’t even have occurred to me to expect dh to take time off (from a demanding, responsible job) if I was feeling rough.

And BTW as anyone who’s had it will know, proper flu is a very different thing from even a bad cold. It can knock your stuffing right out for 3 weeks, even after you’ve started to feel a lot better.

'flu yes, cold no. 'flu is awful, if you've had it you know you feel like death and can't do anything.

My DP will take the day off if I’m sick and if he can. He sees me looking after the kids as a real job, which is the primary reason I am happy to be a SAHM. Normally if he can’t get the day off I send my kids to my brother/SIL, my mum or my MIL. I take in SILs younger kids when she is unwell as well, her older two fend for themselves.

I don’t get sick often, but when I do get ill I tend to get really unwell. I am also a total baby about it, which I own up to and accept.

Did you stay with him? I divorced my ex for similar behaviour when I had flu. I realised he was completely selfish and it killed any feelings I had ever had for him.

If he is the sole earner no he can't be off work just because you are not well. It's all very well for folk who can work from home and be available or have supportive employers. Not everyone is in this position.

It's not normal to take time off because a partner is ill, no. Unless it's serious. You can take unpaid leave there I work.

I hope you survived the day OP. I was a SAHM for years, and whilst I genuinely loved most aspects of it, I really don't miss that feeling of being a total second class citizen. It felt like the day I chose to to stay home to look after my children during the day I was no longer an actual human being in my own right.

If you were a paid nanny and you were unwell, then you would call in sick, and the parent(s) would have to sort childcare. They wouldn't even dream of telling the sick nanny "but my job is much too important- you'll have to just cope" (well, I'm sure there probably are some awful employers out there like this. But, still).

Totally normal! We can't afford for my OH to take unpaid leave whenever my disabled ass is unwell!

No, DH was self employed, not going to work would mean no money. My DM came once when I injured my neck and he had to work, the rest of the time I got on with it (or not!) from the sofa.

If the roles were reversed and DH was a SAHP and I was at work, whilst I'd be sympathetic, emergency leave would be unpaid so really not ideal (I work in a school).

You've got my sympathy though OP looking after small kids when you're ill is the absolute pits.

I think a mum could simply pop the kids in front of the TV with lots of junk food, lie down in grotty pyjamas with a hot drink, and forget all the housework or tasks... Which a nanny wouldn't be allowed to do. Or someone at work for that matter. I'd much, much rather be a sick SAHM than a sick person at work.

But I do agree it's not fair that a SAHM rarelty gets a 100% break. But it's just one of those things where there's no one "paying" you to be sick. I experience it as a self employed person - recently I got 8 days off from the dr which would be such a joy as an employee, but I'd just be incurring losses with every sick day. On the topic of finances, if a SAHM wants her husband to take unpaid leave when she's sick, they have to work out if they can afford that.

This. I’ve been lucky enough in my life, to have had the ‘flu twice, and COVID once, this developed into bronchitis. I was extremely unwell and could not move from the bed. I had to be helped to the bathroom. It was horrendous. I was separated from my husband by then, but he still looked after our children and me.

I’ve just got over a cold and chest infection which had me off work for 2 days. In fact, this time, my children were making me dinner and looking after me. It’s not difficult to show concern for loved ones, and it should be this way no matter who in the family is unwell. The fact you’re pregnant with his child and you mention ‘little ones’ means he should be pulling his weight if he is man enough to impregnate you.

Tell him to do better, or get rid .

😂😂😂

yeah that is the difference between a man being sick and a woman being sick I am afraid. Not all of course but the many.

You need to be very blunt and have some kind of understanding with him that he will need to drop his work to come back home if you feel :
faint, very fieverish, have strong lower belly pains. You are deciding when it is abnormally painful or dangerous for you to be alone and he needs to come back home straight away. That is how it can work 👌

Trust on both sides is the key.

He couldn't be arsed to help after you had surgery yet you are surprised he won't help ? Why are you shocked?

I wouldn’t expect them to take the day off.

But I would expect them to do all of the cleaning and cooking etc and fully take over the parenting when they get home.

I wouldn’t feel bad giving the 2yo old extra screen time and not getting changed out of your PJs for the day.

It’s very normal in our house. I’m self employed, WFH around a toddler without childcare (so realistically means working almost a full day once she’s in bed), he has an office job with flexi WFH.
Earlier in the year he got norovirus. I spent 48 hours running around after him (and the children who went down one by one). I then caught it and off he went back to work leaving me with three children well enough to be at school, one just starting to recover and a puking toddler. I generally consider our relationship fairly solid but if I’d have had the strength that day he’d have come home to a bag packed and waiting outside for him.

I guess all kids are different - there would have been zero chance that any of my kids would have sat in front of the TV for more than 30-40 mins at two years old!

Honestly I found looking after a toddler whilst unwell and heavily pregnant to be unbearably difficult. For context, I'm a secondary teacher now and often have to go to work really quite unwell (thank you kids and germs) but I find that much easier. If I were too ill to go to school then I would certainly be too ill to entertain a toddler all day (I do work in a lovely school though).

It's clearly normal in a lot of households. Lots of women have selfish partners who treat them like domestic appliances.

You don't expect the fridge or toaster to get ill and demand a day off, do you?

What an AH. My ex was the same, my parents were still taking me for any surgery, my mum would come and stay and help look after me… the point of a marriage is “in sickness and health” the first priority for anyone in a marriage or partnership should be their partner in times of need. Sure we all need hobbies and down time but if our partner needs our help more for a couple of weeks then we should be doing it. He COULD take some paid holiday, but he isn’t and doesn’t want to… “If someone wanted to they would” right? Would you do the same for them?
and yes, we’re not here to be of service to our partners, but we are supposed to care for them when they need us.
if he really can’t do it, could he get someone else to help? He could batch cook food for throughout the day, sort the cleaning when he’s home, see if someone could take your child for the day some days or even a few hours!??

I’ve always worked but had a year off in maternity twice and no, my husband wouldn’t stay home from work if I was unwell. I just had lazy days and did the bare minimum. He does half of everything though so not at all the same situation. And when I was off on long term sick last year he did 100% of many things, but he wouldn’t miss work unless I was in the hospital so he had to.

It would be emergency dependent leave not sick leave and it is unpaid.

My husband has taken time off work before when I've had a migraine on mat leave. I know senior managers who've taken time off work when their wife had a sick bug. To the people saying 'what do you expect him to do'...the same as what working parents do when their nursery has an unexpected closure or their childminder is sick or their nanny has a family emergency. Its a last minute paid or unpaid leave in a childcare emergency

Yes this was always a bugbear of mine! If dh was ill he would go to bed and all of the plates would keep spinning but if I was ill Dh had to leave the house at 6am and be gone 12 hours which is a long time with babies . We don’t really have close by childcare either. I remember once when I had a horrific migraine and couldn’t lift my head off the pillow I insisted dh drove ds to grandmas (one hour away ) and start work late. But most of the time i muddled through and cried a lot! The only thing that made it easier was time. Now ds is 9 we can make it through an ill day thankfully.!

And some companies let you take last minute holiday