Is this normal in your household ?

[littleweedandherflowers]

If a man has flu he gets the day off work just like that ! But if the sahp feels really unwell they just have to muddle through ! Is this normal in other households ? I feel absolutely horrendous less then two weeks till I have baby and I’ve got either a really nasty cold or flu! I don’t expect him to stay home all the time I just feel Awful!
I asked partner if he could ask for the day off given that I need to rest as much as I can and be well to have our baby and he was adamant no his boss wouldn’t let him however i remember him being “ sent home “ for a cold many months ago ! How is it fair ? I’m just having a moan whilst I struggle to get out of bed to have a fun filled day with my little ones! X

I’m not talking about the work element; I’m talking about the other details the OP has given, such as won’t even help with the kids before going to work, won’t help by even leaving lunch made up for anyone, will come home and expect he can go straight out again for his hobby.

The work thing is a red herring.

I am fully convinced that if my DH chopped his arm off, he’d just duck-tape it back on and keep going. He does hate hospitals and is congenitally incapable of just doing nothing. That said, he does expect everyone else (me and the kids) to grit our teeth and keep going, though. He would have been sympathetic if I was 38weeks pregnant, but he would never take a day off work because I was sick. Not even when I’ve had surgery, he’s kept going… and we all muddled through.

Of course your partner can take sick leave to care for their children when his usual childcare isn't able to.

My husband took a couple of days or half days during my mat leave.

I hope you're not suggesting a child should be cared for by someone physically incapable?

So in our house if I was ill I would just do the minimum needed (no cleaning/tidying, TV for the kids if they weren't at school). If I needed a specific task done I would ask DH and he would do it, like bringing home dinner or getting the washing out of the machine but he wouldn't take a day off work unless I needed him to. I can think of two occasions where I have been ill enough for him to take a day, once because youngest was a baby so I did need hands on help.

On both of those occasions, I just asked him and he didn't question it but he knows I would only ask if I really needed it.

This is the issue. You don't do his work when he's off ill - it doesn't get done or a colleague does it on top of their own job. The detriment is to the employer in one way or another.

If he's ill and you continue to do your agreed part around the home and with the children and look after him a bit extra, that's the only difference.

I think you can expect a bit extra looking after, but not for his job to bear the brunt so he can do all of your 'work' for you.

Yes mine will try to take a day off work or work from home/come home early if I'm really ill. Obviously we try and leave it for the desperate times I really can't move. He makes my life easier in any ways he can and will definitely be checking in throughout the day. He wouldn't dream of swanning off to do hobbies.

I think you have bigger issues than him not taking the day off. He sounds like he doesn't know how to support you or the children in any other way other than going to work.

Sorry op it's rubbish feeling ill and pregnant and not having a supportive partner. I'd lean into your mum for support and anyone else you have for right now. Even if he sees the need to change he won't be able to overnight.

Nope, my dh wouldn’t take time off if I was ill. He did have time off when I was ill in hospital but that was unavoidable. If I was really poorly, I’d do the bare minimum at home, and then hand the kids off to him when he gets home from work and take myself to bed.

I must also join those asking why on earth you’re having another baby with someone you keep saying is useless, thoughtless and lazy?

Your husband does sound like an arse. However, I’m not sure why you think this issue is exclusive to SAHP. If working parents are sick we still have to sort our children out whether its get them to school or childcare or look after them at home. If you want someone to be available to look after your children when you are sick you need to pay for regular childcare as per working parents. I guess the difference is for working parents that if we are sick we often still go to work (as no one qi cover it) and also have to sort children before and after work plus do the night stuff . At least you can just rest in the daytime.

But when he's unwell, you don't sack off your job as a SAHM and go and do his job for him, do you? This is what you are asking of him - to not do his job and to do your job instead.

Or if you are expecting him to go to work and still do everything at home, then you're expecting him to do his job plus your job - I'm pretty sure you don't work his job on top of your own when he's unwell.

Unfortunately being a SAHM doesn't come with formal "sick leave". Obviously some form of (usually unpaid) carers leave comes into play for your husband if you are seriously sick - e.g in hospital etc and he needs to be at home with the children. The advantage of being a SAHM, however, is that you are your own boss. So if you're feeling under the weather you do the bare minimum. So leave housework (bar feeding/watering the children), and give the children an easy pyjama day in front of the TV rather than an action packed day of days out/crafting/play dates etc. Sit on the sofa with them and just rest as much as you can.

But yeah, your DH can't take a sick day from work when you have a cold!

Honestly, he should be helping before and after work. But there's no days off from being a SAHP, you want sick leave, go to work. Just do as little as necessary when you're poorly, the housework can wait a couple of days. It's not reasonable to expect an employer to accommodate a spouses cold.
This is your 3rd, surely you know what he's like by now?

Nowhere I have ever worked would allow someone to take paid sick leave to care for children. They would have been able to take unpaid dependent's leave only (or maybe use up their annual leave). Taking sick leave when not sick yourself would have been a disciplinary offence.

YABU

He can't take time off work because you have a cold! That's ridiculous.

An ill person can look after children - just in a different way. Movies and snacks rather than Pizza Hut and soft play...
You've only got a cold ffs!

Actually yes he can.
1- it’s clearly not just a cold
2- someone has to look after HIS children. If a CM was off work (and she would if she was as ill as the OP is), he’d have to do it right?
3- Theres a thing called parental leave for a reason
4- at the very least he could have changed the 2yo nappy, prep their breakfast and packed lunches. But he did NOTHING. Which shows it’s not just about him taking time of work. It’s tye fa t he has no respect for his wife nor his own dcs (who keaves a 2yo,in a dirty nappy??)

Sick leave is only for when the employee is too ill to work. If you need to care for someone else, you take annual leave or dependants leave (usually unpaid).

EDITED: took the wrong end of tye stivk!
Sorry @Pandasandelephants

If it’s a virus you may be having that baby sooner than you think! I know from experience.

If I was the sole breadwinner for a family of 4 (very soon to be 5) I wouldn't be risking my job security by telling my boss I need time off because my partner has a cold.

As an employee you're entitled to time off work if you're sick but there's no entitlement to time off sick from parenting.

I was a SAHM to 4 DC
DH never took time off when I was ill ,or indeed ever for anything,if he was ill he went to work ,if I was ill he went to work
I went to all scans by myself as well .
He managed to put in an appearance for the actual births ,but I wished he hadn't bothered,would of been happier giving birth without him .
Imho. SAHM are bottom of everyones priority
I would still do it again
Have fantastic relationships with all my adult dc

Hope you feel better soon op xx

I wouldn't have expected my DH to take time off work to help in that circumstance BUT I would have very much expected him to make things as easy as possible for me before and after work.

Leaving for work having got the kids up, breakfasted, dressed and leaving a packed lunch ready so the OP can do the bare minimum is about the right balance I think.

Him taking a day off work is a complete red herring. What he needs to do is step up in non-working hours (though it shouldn't need to be a step up if he were contributing to the household the rest of time, which he sounds like he doesn't).

He should have nappied and dressed your toddler, made packed lunches/food to get you through the day and be home as soon as possible with no hobbies for the next couple of weeks to sort the house out and give you breaks from the toddler.

That he doesn't suggest that as the best course of action indicates that he is a selfish, lazy, entitled twat.

i think you are being completely unreasonable. He can’t take a sick day because you are sick.

your childcare isn’t his company’s problem. Get a baby sitter in. Hire an emergency nanny for a couple of days.

there are options. If you have dc then you as a couple need to figure out how to deal wiry these events. If he was self employed he would lose money if he stayed home. So in the same way if you are unwell you can ‘lose money’ by paying for help.

That isn’t sick leave.

I wouldn't expect him to take the day off, especially if your mum is coming round later, but at the bare minimum he should be getting the kids up, dressed and have meals/entertainment lined up for the day. He should also be having regular check-ins to see how you're feeling and perhaps leave work early if possible.