Can't bring myself to have another baby

[BeachBabe998]

I've always wanted a big family. I have zero family on my side unfortunately and have always felt very maternal. But now I have a gorgeous 9 month old and I can’t imagine having to do this again.

Pregnancy/birth was the stuff of nightmares, I still haven't recovered fully 🙃 sex is still incredibly painful (guess that rules out another baby anyway for now 🤣). The sleep deprivation was so hard, especially months 2-4. I cannot cope with being woken every 2 hours.

Now he's teething and it's killing me. Tooth no.7 in 2 months, it's relentless (I feel so bad for him!!). And I feel so bad, he's so perfect and much easier in so many ways than some of the other babies I know. I am completely lost in motherhood, totally stuck, fat, in so much physical pain, still breastfeeding which is making me feel sooooo touched out. But it makes me so so sad. I don't want him to be an only. I want more "kids" but I don't know how I can go through pregnancy + baby stage again. How have I totally failed at this??? When did you feel you could do it again?

We have zero help. No family on my side. Huge family on DH's side but they could not be less interested. I don't even mean babysitting, just zero interest.

DH is wonderful though, very involved and hands on and understanding.

It’s early days. Enjoy your baby. Revisit the idea of another in a year or two.

If your baby is over six months old, I think that you need to have a check-up as sex is still painful. You may need to see a pelvic floor therapist

Note that I’m not medically trained and have only had two babies. It just seems a long time to still be having pain. 💐

@BruFord Yeah I've been seeing a physio who comes highly recommended and specialises in this women's issues but it's really not helping. A waste of time I don't really have.

Took me just over 2.5 years to even have the conversation about having another.

I think it's quite common to feel that way when you're baby is still so young. I definitely remember thinking that I couldn't manage another when my first was so little but it just gets easier. I'd definitely check in with your doctor about the pain though, I dont think it's meant to still be painful. Take care of yourself and baby, you might change your mind later but it's also okay if you don't

5 year age gap here!

Your baby is 9 months, I wouldn’t give another thought to another for now and just live in the moment. You may change your mind

Do you have to make the decision today?

Can you focus on now and enjoying as much of it as you can then in the future relook at how your feeling?
I have 4 years between each of mine. While this is tricky now balancing the needs of a range of ages having a baby with a pre schooler felt manageable.

You haven't failed at this. He's only 9 months old, you're still recovering and getting used to a changed life. I felt the same after my first born, my words at the hospital were enjoy this as we're never doing this again! 6 years later and we also have a 10 month old. We're so glad we decided to have him and to be honest if age was on my side I'd do it again in a heartbeat!

No, obviously not. But I'm a planner and it just makes me feel sad I can't contemplate another. Life with a small baby is soooo boring as well as relentless, this makes me feel like I can't look forward to anything. Because the only thing that would make me feel positive is to know I don't have to do this again and I can get some kind of life back at some point. But that in itself makes me sad because I wanted a big family (by big, I mean 2 children, at least I wasn't aiming for more lol).

I don't know. I've hit a wall of exhaustion this week.

We had DD a couple of months after DS turned 3 and that was the perfect age gap for us. I hated the baby stage but the 2nd was so much easier.

That’s still really young with your baby to decide. I had horrendous SPD in pregnancy and told my DH in no uncertain terms that DD would be an only when she was 11 months as I was still suffering from it. However, as time went by etc etc etc… got good medical help, she started sleeping… And now I’m currently up bf number 3 😂

You’re in the thick of it with teething etc at that age. Are you in a hurry particularly? Could you decide in a year or more?

Aw sweetheart, it all seems too much now but I promise you the tiredness will end, the weight will drop off, the pain will subside, and of course your joy from your child will only increase as you see him develop. Your routine will come back, your sex life will too possibly alongside your maternal drive (and you might see that a brother or sister for your first would be good for him too). But that's all in good time?

I'm glad to hear your husband is helping. Tell him you appreciate him, it'll do him good to hear it.

Good luck!

Same. 2.5 years to even consider having another child.
We have a 4 year gap between ours.

Go easy on yourself. Those first months are tough, but time really does make it all feel less than it was - I'm convinced that's the one way that the human race has continued, otherwise we'd all be done at one.

Life with a small baby is indeed boring! But enjoy it because he'll be crawling next, then before you know it you'll be worried about drugs at school, him getting his girlfriend pregnant, his exams and why his bedroom always smells bad no matter how often you clean it!

(Mum to 18-yo and 15-yo here)

I never had another child for pretty much the same reasons. I don't regret not having any more.

I have 3 DC and at 9 months post birth I couldn’t face another. But as they grow up, feelings of broodiness emerge (did for me anyway). I have 11yr gap between ds1 and ds 2 and 3.5yrs between ds2 and dd. No need to rush into anything now, or rule anything out. Though in an ideal world i’d have had 1yr less between ds2 and dd but they were close growing up.

You don’t have to have another baby/child…

There isn’t a rule book saying you must, and your under no obligation to…

Enjoy your baby and revisit in a couple of years

Have you been assessed for postnatal depression? It sounds as though you may be suffering from it. If so, it makes everything a million times worse, and it's impossible to get much perspective on anything. Life will just feel very grey.

I went the opposite route to you. We knew we wanted four children, and I had them all in 5 years because my pregnancies and labours were so horrendous I knew I would never be able to face them again if I didn't just get it all out of the way at once.

But I was able to manage that because I felt so utterly joyous about each child. It's so sad you're not able to enjoy yours as much as you planned, and I would put good money on it that you have some form of PND. Hopefully, your doctor or health visitor could sign post you in the right direction if so.

Good luck with whatever you decide. If this feeling persits and you can't face another one, then enjoy the heck out of the child you have with the knowledge that this difficult period will pass quite quickly and life will soon be back to normal for you.

Good luck with whatever you eventually decide. And make sure you look after yourself.

It sounds like you're having a tough time.
I have a 6 month old and find it far from boring - we go everywhere! The beach, country parks, swimming etc. Have you tried getting out and about? I know it's daunting.

What about returning to work? Being at home everyday is hard.

I found it boring and lonely with the first but just to add it very probably won't be like that with a second because life is so much busier. With the first you're 100% focused on them and trying to entertain them when you can't really go anywhere much or do anything - even the playpark or cafe is pretty pointless for a 9 month old. With a second, your days are busy taking the first to sandpits or forests or playparks or playdates and the whole thing is so much more enjoyable because you have the company of your firstborn to enjoy your second with. And you get all the added joy of their interactions with each other. Just bear that in mind. Life is busier and richer every year I've found.

Same. I could just never get to a place of being about to face it again. No regrets!

i felt the same as you but once DS turned 2 he became a delight and broodiness appeared! Agree with PP that baby stage is so much better second time round as you’re not stuck at home with a baby who can’t talk - you’ve got a chatty, active toddler/pre-schooler to keep entertained!

I do think you should get a referral to gynaecologist from GP though as pain after so long isn’t right and will be dragging you down.

My first was a fairly easy baby, we started planning a second baby after about a year or so, baby no2 was hard work, we had planned for a third but I couldn’t do it. It wasn’t until he was about seven that I felt ‘ready’ but by then it t was too late.

I fell pregnant again when DD was 6 months old, total accident. Like you I found it hard, much harder than I had anticipated. As soon as the test was positive I decided I was going to have an abortion, I was gutted, but then couldn't go through with it. 20 years later I reflect on those days and honestly they were a blur, they were tough going. Obviously I wouldn't change my DC for the world but can totally see why people stop at one!

Maybe you’ll be feel content with just the one forever. But for me I always wanted more, until I had one… I was adamant I was never going through it all again. Sold all of DS’s baby stuff as soon as he stopped using it.

I did a 180 when he turned 2. It was probably a fleeting feeling of I want another now, but we got pregnant first time, so no chance to change my mind on that. I would say it became more exciting and less daunting from 20 weeks pregnant onwards. 27 weeks now and I am really happy with our decision to have another one ☺️