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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Can't bring myself to have another baby

121 replies

BeachBabe998 · 29/05/2025 03:05

I've always wanted a big family. I have zero family on my side unfortunately and have always felt very maternal. But now I have a gorgeous 9 month old and I can’t imagine having to do this again.

Pregnancy/birth was the stuff of nightmares, I still haven't recovered fully 🙃 sex is still incredibly painful (guess that rules out another baby anyway for now 🤣). The sleep deprivation was so hard, especially months 2-4. I cannot cope with being woken every 2 hours.

Now he's teething and it's killing me. Tooth no.7 in 2 months, it's relentless (I feel so bad for him!!). And I feel so bad, he's so perfect and much easier in so many ways than some of the other babies I know. I am completely lost in motherhood, totally stuck, fat, in so much physical pain, still breastfeeding which is making me feel sooooo touched out. But it makes me so so sad. I don't want him to be an only. I want more "kids" but I don't know how I can go through pregnancy + baby stage again. How have I totally failed at this??? When did you feel you could do it again?

We have zero help. No family on my side. Huge family on DH's side but they could not be less interested. I don't even mean babysitting, just zero interest.

DH is wonderful though, very involved and hands on and understanding.

OP posts:

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 29/05/2025 09:30

Don't even think about trying again until baby is two

Bims2019 · 29/05/2025 09:31

A friend once described having a baby as both the best and worst time of your life, and for me that was so true! When mine was 9 months I was very much leaning towards sticking at one. Recovery, sleepless nights, teething and nursery illnesses really put me off doing it all again and DH felt the same.

However, DD is now nearly 18 months and we're starting to talking about another. Going back to work and better sleep has definitely helped, though she does still wake up in the night sometimes and it's a shock to the system 😂 it's still not an easy decision as she is a very high energy, independent toddler, but she's fantastic and we're both in a better place now to consider jumping off the fence.

Anyway, be kind to yourself and try not to worry too much about not wanting another baby right now. You might change your mind, you might not, and that's ok. I've thought far too much about it over the past year, so understand how much head space it takes up even while you're trying to enjoy your new baby!

OhHellolittleone · 29/05/2025 09:33

I felt this way til my first was 16 months. I felt like failure cos I found it hard and the thought of the night shift scared me so much, it was rough, but not as bad as the first time, it went much faster. Then I decided I could do it and we’d try (and if it didn’t happen it didn’t happen). Well our gap is 2 yrs 2 months. It’s totally do able. It’s hard, but worth it. I won’t have having more though (she says. No seriously, we’re out).

MelonCaulie · 29/05/2025 09:34

Give it a couple of years, I ended up having 4 but with fairly big gaps

Commonsense22 · 29/05/2025 09:35

It's too early. I said the same to a nurse who said to me wait until the hormones kick in and make you want another. It's nature's way of giving babies siblings.
In my case she was right.

Imisscoffee2021 · 29/05/2025 09:41

BeachBabe998 · 29/05/2025 03:39

No, obviously not. But I'm a planner and it just makes me feel sad I can't contemplate another. Life with a small baby is soooo boring as well as relentless, this makes me feel like I can't look forward to anything. Because the only thing that would make me feel positive is to know I don't have to do this again and I can get some kind of life back at some point. But that in itself makes me sad because I wanted a big family (by big, I mean 2 children, at least I wasn't aiming for more lol).

I don't know. I've hit a wall of exhaustion this week.

Show quote history

I'm a planner too and I really found it to be a thief of joy and a source of anxiety when in the throes of babydom. I found motherhood much harder than I expected, but what I've learned now he's 2 is that the stages are so short lived, it feels like you'll never get out of those trenches, and you keep turning a corner and finding a new challenge to deal with, but it passes and you honestly forget.

I found a bottle of infacol the other day and had flashbacks to reflux and burping, milk allergy formula, teething (
my son also got them in one after the other and two at once sometimes!) Andbi couldn't believe how long ago it seemed when it really wasn't!

For various reasons we said one and done, but as we had ivf and we have embryos still, and we probably hand on heart don't want him to be an only, but also don't want to go through pregnancy as he still doesn't sleep through the might so we're exhausted (and at the tail end of our 30s) and we have done our own heads in wondering, worrying, and wishing about the conundrum of a second child.

I found what helped me was to give myself an age cut off point for me giving birth/trying for another, to give me the space to enjoy my child now and make a decision another day. It immediately felt like I had freedom and breathing space from unnecessary worry and pros and cons!

IButtleSir · 29/05/2025 09:42

It is absolutely fine to make the decision now that you're only having one. This will take the pressure off you and allow you to keep reminding yourself that you never have to do "this bit" again.

(Remember, you can always change your mind later if you want to!)

Nicole621 · 29/05/2025 09:45

Having just one is wonderful! Especially when they need a ton of money for university/house deposit. With one you can really help them out in ways you probably would struggle to do if you had more. It's really hard for young people these days and I think it's worth thinking of the future.

SendBooksAndTea · 29/05/2025 09:48

Same here, also life is going to be quite hard when these children grow up, I feel we will be much more able to help one than two or more. Dd is amazing, we couldn't be happier as a family and I don't feel she will miss out on anything.

Joystir59 · 29/05/2025 09:48

It's absolutely fine to stop at one child. Lots of people just have one child. You are at liberty to do what suits you with your own body.

Whaleadthesnail · 29/05/2025 09:48

In my experience once they hit around 18 months and are super cute you forget the horrors of tiny babies and want to do it all again! give it time

SendBooksAndTea · 29/05/2025 09:48

Sausagemagoo · 29/05/2025 09:50

Ahh I get it OP. I have 4 years each between my 3 kids. With my first, unfortunately my midwife decided to give me a ‘husband stitch’ when repairing my tear (which I didn’t realise for a good while) meaning sex was pretty painful until I tore again with my second. Was patched up in theatre after that one and actually repaired me properly and sex was great again! Third one I went elective cs 😂

there’s no way I’d have contemplated another this early on! Enjoy your baby, put it out of your head and work on your physical recovery and maybe think about it again in a few years xx

Mumof1andacat · 29/05/2025 09:53

I could never contemplate another child and that is ok. It is absolutely fine to have just 1 child. My ds is now 12 and thriving. He's doing great without a siblings. I have zero regrets about my choice. I am a better mum for my choice.

Housequery1 · 29/05/2025 09:54

Genevieva · 29/05/2025 03:07

It’s early days. Enjoy your baby. Revisit the idea of another in a year or two.

This!! You have literally just had your baby you do not need to be thinking about having another relax. I try to enjoy this baby. Think about it at least another year.

dontcomeatme · 29/05/2025 09:57

I felt the same when my DS was young, I knew I wanted another, but the thought of going through it all again was terrifying. I just kept telling myself it's just a season, just a phase, a temporary issue. At 17 they won't be waking every 2 hours, hopefully 😅
I bit the bullet and got pregnant when my DS was about 14months and now have a 2 year age gap and love it. My oldest is 2 and baby is 10 weeks. I mean its been the hardest 10 weeks of my life! But the age gap is amazing and I knew what to expect this time around, makes it easier x

Supporthelittleguys · 29/05/2025 10:01

Yep. After the birth of my first child I said absolutely categorically never again. How do people do this more than once?! I went on to have 2 more within 4 years 😂

SendBooksAndTea · 29/05/2025 10:02

SendBooksAndTea · 29/05/2025 09:48

Sorry, this was meant to be a reply to @gettingbysomehow

ClosetBasketCase · 29/05/2025 10:05

Get the baby on a bottle, and at that age you should also be able to start getting some small "solids" baby rice etc, maybe some puree etc.

Sleep anf feeding schedules are your friend. cluster feeding is managable, do a schedule instead of capitulating to the demand - this is where the bottle comes in.

The touched out feeling is vile. couldnt stand it myself. hence the schdules, and a baby bouncer, or give the baby to husband and have him deal with it a few days a week.

Tell DH to sort himself out with his hand for the forseeable - if sex is painful - don't do it.

You dont have to carry to have a big family... Have you considered adoption maybe? I Love my adoped bunch - including 2 of my cousins - technically i now have 4 kids! not what i saw for myself, but also very relieved that I only had to carry one!

IthasYes · 29/05/2025 10:07

Section for baby two

BertSymptom · 29/05/2025 10:12

I’ve done the opposite OP. The second I found out I was pregnant I said I’d only do it once. At every difficult stage, pregnancy, birth, newborn trenches, post-partum recovery, weaning, teething you name it I thought at least I haven’t ever got to do this again. Felt the family was complete and was planning a life with an only child.

Now DC’s nearly two, I’ve found the broodiness has really kicked in, I look at siblings playing and I’m really tempted to have another. I felt so sure I knew what I wanted and what our life would look like but now I’m having to reconsider and it is daunting and confusing and a bit of a pain really.

The first year is hard. I didn’t really feel I enjoyed it until I looked back and realised I missed it. You might feel differently later. But if you don’t, one and done is an entirely valid choice with many benefits. Either way you’re 9 months in and there’s no need to make any decisions now so try not to stress about it.

Jk987 · 29/05/2025 10:16

You don’t have to justify your feelings and decisions about your own family!

It’s sad that the extended family aren’t involved though. Is DH estranged from his? Do they have young children? Whether you have 1 or 10 kids, everyone needs a break and support especially in emergencies. Maybe the relationship will improve as baby gets older and you can have play dates etc.

Unpaidviewer · 29/05/2025 10:16

Its okay to change your mind. I always thought we would have 2. Then I had years of fertility issues followed by HG throughout my pregnancy. I adore our toddler but he is very full on. He doesn't sleep well either. So although I worry about him being an only child I know its for the best to be one and done. I just try and focus on all the positives.

DontTouchRoach · 29/05/2025 10:27

Your baby's not even a year old! There's really no rush. I don't know many people at all who started trying for another baby as quickly as that. Most of my friends didn't even contemplate having another one until their first one was well into the toddling stage and some waited a good bit longer than that.

riverofjordan · 29/05/2025 10:32

They change so fast, and your life changes with them! I got pregnant unplanned when DS was 8 months and felt just like you, that positive test sent me into a deep depression for several months I'm afraid to say, I just couldn't see how I would cope 😔

Fast forward to now I'm 36 weeks pg, 16mo DS is an absolute joy to have around, even helps pick things up off the floor etc when my pgp is bad, whilst I HATE the third trimester with a passion I cannot wait for this new arrival and am absolutely ready to do it all again 🥰 I never ever thought I'd get here tho.

Really just try to take each day as it comes and you'll look back and it will just be a blur 💐

(Do get the pain checked out tho)

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