Can't bring myself to have another baby

[BeachBabe998]

I've always wanted a big family. I have zero family on my side unfortunately and have always felt very maternal. But now I have a gorgeous 9 month old and I can’t imagine having to do this again.

Pregnancy/birth was the stuff of nightmares, I still haven't recovered fully 🙃 sex is still incredibly painful (guess that rules out another baby anyway for now 🤣). The sleep deprivation was so hard, especially months 2-4. I cannot cope with being woken every 2 hours.

Now he's teething and it's killing me. Tooth no.7 in 2 months, it's relentless (I feel so bad for him!!). And I feel so bad, he's so perfect and much easier in so many ways than some of the other babies I know. I am completely lost in motherhood, totally stuck, fat, in so much physical pain, still breastfeeding which is making me feel sooooo touched out. But it makes me so so sad. I don't want him to be an only. I want more "kids" but I don't know how I can go through pregnancy + baby stage again. How have I totally failed at this??? When did you feel you could do it again?

We have zero help. No family on my side. Huge family on DH's side but they could not be less interested. I don't even mean babysitting, just zero interest.

DH is wonderful though, very involved and hands on and understanding.

you have a live beautiful baby and a wonderful supportive DH. How is that failure? I get the being a planner thing. Would it help to focus your need to plan on what happens next with this child?

Well op it might have turned out you just didn’t know what you wanted. Maybe you don’t want a big family.

Personally I think they are the stuff of ideas, books and tv shows like the Waltons and Brothers and Sisters, and all the big families I know in the flesh actually have quite complicated interactions and lots of stresses.

It’s silly to waste time worrying that you don’t have what you though you wanted but didn’t want, while you could be enjoying the little family you have.

Give it time. Things may change, and if they don’t, so what: you were wrong. Finding out the realities of things is how we learn and refine our desires.

ETA I’ve just seen you said two. That’s not so huge a family, so not endless months of babyhoods. See how it goes. But live in the moment for now.

I she with this! It's too early just enjoy your baby and take care of yourself first

The first year is rough - hormonally, physically, emotionally, every way possible. But in a couple of years, you'll look back and only really remember the lovely moments, with a sprinkle of "do you remember how sleep deprived we were?!".

For me that happened at about 2.5 years and we decided to try for another. I ended up with a 5 year age gap and it's amazing.

You don't have to decide anything right now. If you're anxious to make a plan, maybe pick a date to revisit the conversation in 6/12/18 months and between now and then just take the time to enjoy the lovely moments.

I’m not sure how old you are, which dictates how much time you have, but you don’t have to decide right now. You can wait and see how you feel in the future. I’ve a ten year gap between mine (life circumstances rather than planning) and it’s absolutely fine. I’m not advocating such a big gap for everyone but like I said, dependent on your age, you don’t have to make a decision now. Equally, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with deciding to have more one child and there’s no reason to feel your family is incomplete.

Two close friends stopped after one. Friend A was constantly feeling guilty, bringing up that he was an only child at least once every time I saw her (I don't think she realised this at all). Every worry she had about him was somehow linked to him being an only child. About a year ago they got a dog and she hasn't mentioned it since.

Friend B never brings up that her DC is an only child and only once referred to her decision to stop after him. She feels no guilty and they all go on lots of holidays. They also got a dog.

My Dad grew up as an only and loved it. He... also had a dog. My cousin grew up as an only and hated it. She did not have a dog!

So, how do you feel about dogs, OP?!

Sorry, I'm being a bit silly with this but I'm trying to say that there are different ways to have a big, slightly chaotic family and it doesn't have to mean having more children.

But you don't actually have to have another child. Granted, you may change your mind but it doesn't matter if you don't.

Almost a 6 year age gap between DC1 and 2. Like you we have zero help as we’re abroad and family live either abroad or in our home country. It was hard and we both didn’t even talk or think about it till DC1 was 4. Granted I just turned 25 when DC1 was born so I knew we had time sort of. Enjoy the moment really.

I remember recovering in hospital (80s) after the birth of my first baby and one of the midwives came to talk to me about contraception. I looked at her like she’d lost her mind! As if I’d ever be having sex again! But you do. You move on and forget. I had another son 8 years later

Sex is awful while you are breastfeeding because breastfeeding suppresses your hormones. It can improve so much once baby weans.

Your post really resonated with me. I found 9-12 months really difficult. Baby is so much more aware, trying to be mobile, getting frustrated. You feel by this point that baby should be sleeping through, so every wake up feels like an assault. You want some time away from the baby, but can’t and then feel guilty for feeling like that. It’s just relentless. I used to do baby friendly spinning and aerobics then had to stop at this point t because baby wouldn’t just sit in the pram. I felt fat and ugly, and started to notice other mums around me had lost all their weight by this point. I wanted to continue BF (did until 14months) but equally it was frustrating, feeling touched out. I was pumping in the evening as well to build up a stash as only wanted one formula feed a day.

very similar to you, we have no family help. My parents are dead, siblings childfree and uninterested. DH siblings in-interested and at this time a difficult relationship with MIL. It all felt all consuming, and like it should be amazing but it’s just relentless.

baby was rubbish in the pram, so by this point outtings were difficult, couldn’t go and potter around the shops, I found all outtings stressful as we were on such a short time frame!

are you going back to work? I found that eventually helped me - albeit brought stresses in other ways. Baby is now 2, and I’m due #2 imminently. We always wanted to, wanted them close in age and I think there’s something to be said for getting the young age period out the way quickly.

I feel I’ll have different priorities with this maternity leave, and find a way to make more time for myself earlier on.

🎯

We struggled with our first, so my original plan for 2 in 2 years flew out of the window.

It can really occupy you thoughts. So I decided to reassess every 6 months, which stopped me thinking about it constantly.

We did decide to have another when DD1 was 3 and ended up with a 4.5 year gap. It worked really well, no overlap on nursery fees, on mat leave when DD1 started school.

But it is worth thinking about why you had a baby. I realised that I wanted to be a mum and one baby did that.

I have 4, but I had two sets of two with DH. You don't get time to dwell if you have several needing your attention.

Enjoy the one you have.

Yeah 5-6 months was a pretty good age. It was peak mat leave for me. We went out every day to various classes and socials and even did a holiday. At 9 months, he's crawling, standing and trying to walk. He won't sit in the pram more than 30 minutes (and only IF it's moving) and we have about 30 minutes in a cafe as long as the snacks keep coming.

And I have actually gone back to work which both helps and doesn't. It means I have childcare and a break from the baby but I also get zero rest.

Thank you @lightslittle your reply sums up my experience exactly

Thank you everyone. You've all really really helped. In real life everyone just talks about how amazing their kids are and how magical (?!) everything is and I am sitting here thinking maybe I'm the problem.

You don't get much rest when you're the parent of a baby unfortunately. I have experience of looking after a 9 month old too and we still got out alot.

Only you can decide if you need to seek help for post natal depression or if you just don't enjoy having a baby. If it's the latter then not having another is the best thing to do and you shouldn't stress about it.

It’s early on, you can change your mine, or consider adoption

Also do not underestimate the impact of not having a family support system. That’s something many people can’t relate to and was and still is the hardest part of having children for me

Nope it's not you. We all have problems. I have loads going on with all four of mine. Youngest had neurosurgery when he was a tot so it's been one worry after another.

I expect this is normal! Either way, I feel the exact same with my 8 month old despite having some decent family support (DH is a PITA though) and feeling somewhat on the way to being physically recovered. I always wanted two but.... how? It's so bloody hard!

It takes everything out of you. Physically, emotionally, financially, everything. I feel like a shell of a person some days with the sleep deprivation and hardly any time to myself. No energy for sex, I'm not interested.

I now think I'd need a 5 year age gap to make it possible but in my late 30s now so there is time pressure. And I don't think I could.

Lots of good advice. One thought - would it be possible to use your planning side to think of things to do that would make early motherhood less boring for you? Eg - what is going on locally that a baby might be okay with? City farms, museums, places to take him paddling, churches with a kids' corner? Key thing I think is to find stuff that you might get something out of not just him.

This is very true.

Early on my mum actually stayed with us after each birth. Not till 9 months admittedly, but I wasn’t running down my reserves from the start.

I think sometimes about 10 months can be quite tricky as they are wanting to do things and can’t quite manage, eg walk, talk, reach things, post things in smaller and smaller slots etc. Just looking wide-eyed has got boring. This means lots of bungled attempts for parents to field and lots of frustration for baby.

My non-medical self still thinks that it would be a good idea for you to have a checkup to make sure that you’ve healed properly. Preferably with an ob/gyn. Or perhaps wait until 12 months postpartum and then have a physical.

We were in a similar position with no family support and my two have a three-year gap. We’d originally aimed for 2 3/4 years but due to work travel, we weren’t together at the right times! I found it much easier the second time around-easier birth, I felt confident in my parenting skills, etc. DD was at nursery so she got plenty of outside stimulation when I was wrapped up in a newborn. DS was actually a fussier baby, but somehow it seemed easier.

Give yourself time, you don’t need to rush into having a second child. If you do have another, you may find that you’re done after two. I always thought that I’d like four and a dog- but two and a dog are quite enough for me. 🤣