Can't bring myself to have another baby

[BeachBabe998]

I've always wanted a big family. I have zero family on my side unfortunately and have always felt very maternal. But now I have a gorgeous 9 month old and I can’t imagine having to do this again.

Pregnancy/birth was the stuff of nightmares, I still haven't recovered fully 🙃 sex is still incredibly painful (guess that rules out another baby anyway for now 🤣). The sleep deprivation was so hard, especially months 2-4. I cannot cope with being woken every 2 hours.

Now he's teething and it's killing me. Tooth no.7 in 2 months, it's relentless (I feel so bad for him!!). And I feel so bad, he's so perfect and much easier in so many ways than some of the other babies I know. I am completely lost in motherhood, totally stuck, fat, in so much physical pain, still breastfeeding which is making me feel sooooo touched out. But it makes me so so sad. I don't want him to be an only. I want more "kids" but I don't know how I can go through pregnancy + baby stage again. How have I totally failed at this??? When did you feel you could do it again?

We have zero help. No family on my side. Huge family on DH's side but they could not be less interested. I don't even mean babysitting, just zero interest.

DH is wonderful though, very involved and hands on and understanding.

It’s OK to just have one, and to reconsider your plans. I never got to the stage where I felt comfortable with the idea of having another, and I had an easy pregnancy and labour, and DS slept fairly well and had no major issues that made the first year harder than it should have been.

I was also quite consumed with the idea that subsequent pregnancies and births could kill or injure me, which had never really occurred to me during the first one.

9 months is too early to be thinking about another baby. That’s partly biological, I think. The recommended gap is at least 2 years, I remember reading. I didn’t start thinking about another one until mine were around 16 to 18 months.

You’re tired (understandably so) and that messes with your head big-time. I’d focus on that and trying to make your life as easy as possible. Nap when baby naps, even if you just lie down and close your eyes and don’t actually sleep. Find things that you like doing and that you can do when baby is asleep or occupied. One thing I remember about my first being a baby was being able to read. I read a lot of books feeding them, sitting by them waiting for them to fall asleep, etc.

Get a routine for your day. It shouldn’t be that boring. Join some of those baby music clubs, usually in a local hall or library. Go for a walk everyday. Take baby somewhere that you want to go. It’s good to get them used to places. It doesn’t have to be for a long time or far away.

OP, he’s literally a baby still. Relax. The first year is always hard, give yourself a break.

Most of my friends have a 2-3yr gap between kids. I do too and have 3 kids. You know when you’re ready to go again.

No reason to pressure yourself in another baby you don’t want. I have one. The world is still turning.

I think that, for you, it’s just too soon. Everyone is different. I remember coming home from the hospital with DS1 and thinking ‘This is BRILLIANT!’ in a sort of excited Father Dougal voice🤣 I wanted another baby right away. After couple of weeks of sleepless nights and screaming (me, not the baby) I was adamant that I was going to have just the one. DS1 was about 14 months when we started trying for number two. Several miscarriages and an ectopic pregnancy later we ended up with a 4 year age gap. Just see where life takes you. No more babies might be right for you or you might feel ready in a couple of years.

Your baby is still very young, don’t stress yourself out with the thought of having another baby yet! My little girl has just turned two and I would say I have only just started to feel like myself again and have started to entertain the thought of having another. Give your mind and body chance to recover, focus on your little one and try to enjoy it. Things do get easier the older they get, take that from someone who really struggled for the first 14 months!

We stopped at one and no regrets now he's 8. See how you feel in a couple of years - no rush to decide. I couldn't go through it again!

Pregnancy/birth was the stuff of nightmares, I still haven't recovered fully 🙃 sex is still incredibly painful (guess that rules out another baby anyway for now 🤣). The sleep deprivation was so hard, especially months 2-4. I cannot cope with being woken every 2 hours.

You're only 9 months in, and you don’t have to do it again.

I really feel for you; the baby y arms are so hard! I think you’re making your life harder than in needs to be, though, by worrying about baby no2 when you’re in the trenches of that first year wuth baby no1. It’s like being hit by a train isn’t it. That first year with your first baby. The fact that you’re a planner, as you say, probably means you’re used to being organised and having life go the way you expect it. It’s so hard to let go a bit, and the lack of sleep…!! Utter hell. Give yourself at least another year to even THINK about another baby. Just say to yourself‘I’ll think about this again in May 2026’ to give yoursekf a break. I think the two year baby gap is insane (each to their own of course - it works for some) and had a 3 year gap between mine, which was perfect. I couldn’t have done it sooner. Give yourself a break and just focus on getting through each day, each hour.

It's ok to change your mind life doesn't always pan out the way you expect. My brother wanted 2 he now has 4, my other brother wanted 3 he has 1. I have 1 and everyone said I would definitely want more. He's now 6 and no way would I have another and I'm content with that. I also found the baby/toddler ages horrible buy it got a lot easier once son was 4 so hang in there. Best of luck whatever you decide.

You really need to see your doctor if you are still in pain.

Do you have to rush any decisions? I had a terrible first pregnancy followed by a pretty awful birth and a baby who didn't sleep through for four years. However, after three years I felt ready to try again, and although my next pregnancy wasn't wonderful I could cope and the birth was much, much easier.

3 year gap here and I couldn't have done it sooner. I only started to appreciate why I'd bothered having a baby when my first was around 18 months old. Your feelings are normal, don't stress about what's next yet.

Unless age is really not on your side you have years to make the decision. We have an almost 4 year gap because of fertility issues and I definitely got myself back in between pregnancies- lost weight, excercised, able to go out and live my life etc. Now I'm back in the trenches again but I know it's not forever (and loving having a newborn even more this time). Some people struggle with the first baby and the second is a breeze. Others just don't love the baby stage but know they have to get through it to build their family.

I completely understand how you feel OP.

We had a difficult time conceiving, but we always wanted 2-3 children in our dream scenario.

Pregnancy was wild, ended up with GD, growth ‘stopped’, then didnt stop, twice weekly scans, constantly in hospital. Baby diagnosed cleft lip at 20wk scan. (I was taking my folic acid, didnt drink, didnt smoke, not genetic, just pure chance). Spent my pregnancy a nervous wreck. I live rurally, no family close, DH works away 3 days a week and I was just a complete state towards the end panicking what would happen if i went into labour and he wasnt here.

I’m 4 months PP and tbh i’ve just stopped feeling shell shocked about the whole thing. 😂 It was a tough journey but when DD smiles and giggles its such an unbelievable feeling and I would go through it all again in an instant.

We will be trying again around Xmas time for our next baby, as who knows how long it will take or if it will even happen for us again.

Dont pressure yourself if youre not ready. 9 months is still extremely early to think about another DC. I would go to the gp if youre still in pain, get yourself sorted, an in a good place mentally and physically. x

I always thought I wanted two kids until I had one and changed my mind 😂 she is now 7 and I'm very happy with my decision. The baby and toddler years were pretty hellish for me and I would have been miserable having to do them again. Yes having an only comes with having to be more full on, play more, don't get much time to chill while she is around as she doesn't have a sibling to play with but I'm still happy with my choice and never got the pressure to have another one.

Have you been to the doctors about your continuing pain as nine months is quite a long time after birth? You may have a prolapse or something.

I wasn't ready to even think about another until DC1 was fully 2, and I didn't have all the physical issues you have.

Kick the decision into the long grass for at LEAST a year. If you're a planner, literally sit down and put "consider a second child" in your diary right now for, like, September 2026. Then every time you think about it, remind yourself that you'll think about it in Sept 2026 or whenever you've chosen. Maybe then you will feel ready to contemplate trying for another. Or maybe you will feel that on balance you're one and done. Both are totally fine.

In the meantime please take care of yourself. I would consider visiting your GP to discuss whether you might have PND and to make sure your continuing pain is explored. Things will get better with time, whatever you do - you are in the thick of it but it will pass. Many of us also do feel better after we go back to work and get some of pre-baby ourselves back.

Oh give it time and see how you feel when your little one is a bit older - memories of how bad it was tend to fade :)

Also, no two children are alike - my first was a non-sleeper, tricky feeder, my second was the easiest baby, just slotted straight into life with no problem like he'd always been there. I don't remember the first months with DS1 because of sleep deprivation, I don't remember the first months of DS2 because they were just boringly easy!

I would be mindful that once you are through this stage there is another, and then another. It is relentless and goes on for decades not years.

I would stop now if you want to - enjoy your baby, and yes it’s okay to want your life back. The more dc you have the more exhausted you will be, not to mention the financial implications. Do what is right for your family.

You’re in the thick of it right now. The anverage age gap is about 3 years, so I wouldn’t even contemplate another until your child reaches two.

Depending on your age you could leave a bigger gap. I couldn’t because I was knocking on a bit.

I was one and done and regret nothing. Revisit it when you’re feeling less tired but, for me, one was right for my circumstances and I have all the time and energy in the world for them, especially now they’re older. Be kind to yourself OP, it’s a fucking slog right now.

I said exactly the same thing. Then I was starting to get broody when my eldest was sleeping 😂 so over the age of 1. I was pregnant by the time she was 18 months old (although that was an accident).

Also are you bf? If so, the hormones is what makes sex super painful. Not enough oestrogen. You can have oestrogen vaginal gel to help and use a vaginal moisturiser, and lube etc if you wish. Just wanted to let you know as I had the same issue and even gynae didn’t know that was the cause! I found out after all the options I had.

My NCT friend (so first babies the same age) had her second when ours were turning 2 and the thought made me feel physically panicked.
I'm pregnant again now, my daughter will be 3.5 when the baby arrives and feeling great. Give it time 😊

I felt exactly the same as you. 2 years and a couple of months later, I’m considering another one. Don’t put pressure on yourself. Things change, you don’t need to decide this now. Focus on getting through this time.