Can't bring myself to have another baby

[BeachBabe998]

I've always wanted a big family. I have zero family on my side unfortunately and have always felt very maternal. But now I have a gorgeous 9 month old and I can’t imagine having to do this again.

Pregnancy/birth was the stuff of nightmares, I still haven't recovered fully 🙃 sex is still incredibly painful (guess that rules out another baby anyway for now 🤣). The sleep deprivation was so hard, especially months 2-4. I cannot cope with being woken every 2 hours.

Now he's teething and it's killing me. Tooth no.7 in 2 months, it's relentless (I feel so bad for him!!). And I feel so bad, he's so perfect and much easier in so many ways than some of the other babies I know. I am completely lost in motherhood, totally stuck, fat, in so much physical pain, still breastfeeding which is making me feel sooooo touched out. But it makes me so so sad. I don't want him to be an only. I want more "kids" but I don't know how I can go through pregnancy + baby stage again. How have I totally failed at this??? When did you feel you could do it again?

We have zero help. No family on my side. Huge family on DH's side but they could not be less interested. I don't even mean babysitting, just zero interest.

DH is wonderful though, very involved and hands on and understanding.

i just had to Google ‘husband stitch’ and oh my god, that’s horrifying!! I had no idea that was a thing and I really hope it’s uncommon. I’m sorry that happened to you and I hope there was an outcome for the midwife who did it!

I'm sure you understand that your experience of looking after a 9 month old isn't exactly the same as everyone else's.

Your response is quite dismissive and unkind.

It wasn't dismissive or unkind, you're oversensitive.
Getting out with a 9 month old is much better for mental health than staying in and i'm trying to help. No, a cafe might not be ideal so try and adapt.

Had a 5 year age gap between dc1 and dc2 because I felt the same. I had decided although I wanted more children I was done after dc1, however after about 4 years I changed my mind as we were out of the newborn/toddler/pre-school trenches.
after dc2 I felt completely differently (even though he was a really challenging baby) and we decided we wanted one last child, and got pregnant with dc3 fairly soon afterwards.

5 years between my dc- took that long to feel human again! Seriously, you are still in the thick of it and can't see the wood for trees. Honestly lovely, it gets a lot easier as they get older.

Just focus on taking care of yourself and baby - the reality of where you are and what you have now.
You don’t need to worry about whether or not you’ll have another child yet.
Remember that before you had children and wanted 2 you hadn’t experienced the reality of having 1 at that point. Maybe 1 is enough for you and that is fine.
The baby stage passes and life gets better again - for us, we have stopped at 1 because although I’d always said if I had kids I would have 2, the first didn’t happen until later in life for me and I had stages of feeling how you are now when our dd was a baby, plus complications late in the pregnancy.

We have big age gaps, currently aged 10, 7 and 2. I hated baby stage, but once they become proper little people (about age 2 imo), you do forget the earlier days and enjoy having them around. Mother nature is very clever!

You're exhausted. This stage feels absolutely endless. It isn't. You'll blink and you'll suddenly be hurtling towards preschool/school, your little one will be talking and fully showing their personality, you'll have some normality back and them boom! one day you'll decide to blow it all up again with a new one. My second baby was a total nightmare but in many ways I still found it easier than my first because I had way more perspective. I knew no stage would last and that even if things were relentless and hard it would eventually start getting better.

I'm surprised that you say others around you go on about how magical it is - maybe you need friends that are more honest???! My friends and I used to spend our time bitching and moaning.

You really are under no obligation to have another. You may well feel one is enough for you.

@Joystir59 Yes, of course. I was an only myself though and wanted a larger family.

Massively early days, see where you are in a year or three. Also, every pregnancy, birth and baby is different. You won't be going through the same thing again, it'll all be a different experience.

I feel the exact same, so I’m not having another baby. That stupid “imagine who you want round the table at holidays in future” did get into my head for a while and so I was planning to have a second and suffer through the baby stage to have two older children later. Then I decided that actually it wasn’t worth it at all and we were happily one and done.

No regrets, there are so many positives to having one and nothing about the life my friends have had with two small children has looked appealing to me. I realised I was framing it as suffering through the first year or so to be happy after that, but watching my friends made me realise I’d not enjoy having two until the youngest at least 3 and there was no desire to put myself through that.

I think what you are feeling is totally normal. I hated pregnancy and had every condition going (gestational, princess throwing up thing, hypothyroidism, pre eclampsia etc). My first never slept and was up all night. I had zero help except from working OH.

There are years between my children (and a few miscarriages in there to boot). I did say the pregnancy with the second if that didn’t take (third pregnancy to have a baby after my first) then I would be done.

My second was easy, wonderful and a blessing. And yeah I still had a lot of those things from the first. But I found having two was easy. You know what to do, They slot in more easily.

I wouldn’t rush to it. Your baby is still very young. My kids at with very best of friends and because of the gap they don’t fight or compete with each other.

This is a stress and worry that can wait. Get yourself to a place where you are feeling better. Decide later and don’t worry about it

Very common to feel that way when your baby is still so young IMO. I definitely felt the same when both of mine were that age. Now they're 6 and 3 and we're TTC #3. But even if you don't change your mind, being one and done is a perfectly valid choice.

It took me two years before I could even think about having a second.
It can be really hard to enjoy the early months but they do pass, baby gets older and things change, both what they can do and also what you can do

YANBU OP but why are you so against your child being an only ?

@MetNet I know that your question is directed at the OP, but what stood out to me in her first post is that she has “zero family.” I think that’s sometimes a factor in wanting more than one child, because you want to create the family that you don’t have, IYSWIM. It certainly was for me. The OP may have other reasons, of course.

Perhaps you should seek some help with your communication style. You need it.

When you think about it there’s not that many siblings who are closer than two years in age and probably for good reason! 9 months is still very much trenches time and your body will still be recovering from birth and settling down. Things do get much much easier and maybe in another 9 months you’ll feel ready. And even if you don’t ever feel ready that’s okay too. It’s about what works for you and your family

I was adamant my eldest was going to be the only child until he was 14 months or so and then I desperately wanted another which we did with a 26 month age gap.

It was just about right really, we didn't rush into it too soon but the gap is small enough so they are close and are the best of friends.

You don't need to be thinking about this yet your baby is only 9 months old, it's hard when they are babies my youngest is 10 months and is my 4th and last baby but I remember when my oldest was born and she was going to be an only child because I found it so hard! But with her I wasn't with her dad anymore and I got with my husband when she was almost 4 and we had a baby together when she was 5 and it was much more manageable, we then decided to have a third when my second was 3, so that ended up being 3 children and I found it easier weirdly having older children aswell instead of just 1 baby, our 4th wasn't planned but she's now here and can't imagine life without her there is 15 years between my oldest and youngest, depending on your age you have time to decide if you will ever want anymore, it's hard to imagine going through it again when you have a young baby but from my experience when they're a bit older it gets easier and then adding another in isn't as hard, I've found caring for my fourth the easiest because I knew what to expect