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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fuming with MIL and Husband?

134 replies

skydiver1985 · 29/05/2025 00:41

Had a DH family wedding today. Lovely day, I had to leave at around 7pm as our childcare could only stay until then so got home to the DC. Husband staying until end with rest of family. All fine.

DH and MIL just got back to our house. Asked how they got home, DH came up with a lie about someone driving them back. Could tell was lying and challenged. Turns out he had driven them both back in his MIL car. He’s been drinking all day. So has she.

We are supposed to be going away tomorrow for our anniversary (MIL is here to stay for weekend to have the DC).

now I feel completely pissed off at both MIL and DH for DH driving back? Why not get a cab? It’s just beyond selfish on all fronts. Now I feel like I don’t want to go away tomorrow.

MIL didn’t hear our confrontation but I shouted and told him he was selfish and I’m fuming etc. should I confront her tomorrow too? Although she’s supposed to be having our kids for the weekend while we go away?

sorry for such a long rant!!

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 29/05/2025 09:40

Mymanyellow · 29/05/2025 08:12

Lots of different opinions on this thread about being ok to drive after three beers. Best way surely is no drink at all if you know you’re driving.

Absolutely. I can have a small glass of wine and feel quite tipsy sometimes and other days 3/4 glasses and feel nothing.

None of that means I wouldn’t be impaired driving so I stick to absolutely nothing.

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 29/05/2025 09:43

I was told it took the average sized man 1
hour to process 1 unit of alcohol. A pint is usually 2 units, so 3 beers is 6 units. Really “3 beers” being fine to drink then drive later would depend on when he had them. Drank 3 beers all before 5pm then drove at midnight- fine. Was still drinking at 6:30/7pm when you left? Possibly not depending on when he had the others in the day.

(this is why often after a “big session” you aren’t safe to drive the next day, your body needs time to process each unit, smaller women take longer to deal with the same amount of alcohol)

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 29/05/2025 09:49

This is why the whole of UK should adopt Scotlands 0 alcohol when driving. It takes away any ambiguity about quantities.

mefornow · 29/05/2025 10:01

This thread showcases that in truth you can’t tell whether you are under or over the limit to drive. Because how much alcohol is in your system depends on too many factors… strength of alcohol, amount of alcohol, time it was drunk, food eaten, body build, alcohol tolerance etc etc.
Bottom line for me is if you’ve drunk anything you don’t drive. And I don’t understand why this isn’t the norm - at least morally if not legally. How many people who have said he would probably have been under the limit would have been ok with that if they or someone they knew was injured/killed in an accident involving this driver?
in this scenario…. Who knows how much he actually drank and it’s kind of irrelevant as he knows he was in the wrong, which he proved by lying in the first place. Now it’s just down to whether you show him you are ok with what he did and carry on as normal or show him it’s not acceptable…

maxandru · 29/05/2025 10:02

How many people’s lives could he have ruined on the way home?! There is a reason there is a legal limit.

Personally I’d be saying that if he did it again I’d shop him to the police.

cumbriaisbest · 29/05/2025 10:07

Selfish , selfish people. Especially with what's in the news.

Grammarnut · 29/05/2025 10:16

Three beers is not necessarily fine as it depends on the ABV - 3 pints of 8% cask ale would leave you flat on the floor, for example. But if he was eating at the same time and the beer was 'session ale' i.e. about 3% ABV he might not be over the limit at the end of a long day. That given, I would not drink on one glass of wine drunk at a 3 course meal, but that's just me.

PrettyPuss · 29/05/2025 10:17

If he didn't think he was still over the limit, why lie? People who drink and drive are scum.

BusyMum47 · 29/05/2025 10:18

@skydiver1985

He knew full well he was over the limit which is why he initially lied about getting a lift. Twat.
I'd fuck off for the weekend alone & leave him & his enabling mother to look after the kids.

Todayisaday · 29/05/2025 10:54

Sounda like the day was maybe 12 hours.
It takes 1 hour to process a unit of alcohol so there is little or no alcohol in the blood.
A beer is about 2 units.
So he could in theory have had 6 beers in 12 hours and be under the limit.
I mean, I dont drink and drive at all but the facts are as above, so in theory, if he did only have three beers or even four, then he should be under the limit and fine to drive if he spaced them and didnt drink for the last hour or so.

recipientofraspberries · 29/05/2025 10:59

Adding to the chorus of if he genuinely only drank a small amount and was fine to drive, he wouldn't have initially lied about how they got home.

I'd be absolutely disgusted - he could have killed someone.

Applesonthelawn · 29/05/2025 11:13

Send the MIL home. No weekend away. The money's wasted but some things are more important. You have to put your foot down so he understands how important this is to you. I would no way tolerate being with a drunk driver - what if he killed someone else's children? Just no.

doodleschnoodle · 29/05/2025 11:19

The limit in Scotland is basically nothing. No one I’m close to here would even have one drink and drive these days, it’s stupidity.

crumblingschools · 29/05/2025 11:24

So if technically you could have 6 bottles of beer in a day and just be under the limit, would people really drive after that? Surely most people who are driving will have one or two at most over the course of the day

doodleschnoodle · 29/05/2025 11:26

And personally I think any alcoholic drink in a day and no one should be driving, let alone people saying they would drive after three drinks Shock That is a bit terrifying. Not to mention how unreliable people on the whole are about measurements, how much they’ve actually had, length of time since drinking, etc.

If you want to drink, don’t take the car. If you’ve brought the car, don’t drink. It should be as simple as that nowadays 🤷‍♀️

MeridianB · 29/05/2025 11:27

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 29/05/2025 09:49

This is why the whole of UK should adopt Scotlands 0 alcohol when driving. It takes away any ambiguity about quantities.

This with bells on. Why would anyone oppose this?

Ramblethroughthebrambles · 29/05/2025 11:34

This is a bit ambiguous though definitely not great. Rather than thinking about what's 'right' I'd focus on what you want to achieve.

If he's done this before or you're confident he was over the limit and you want to pull him up sharp, then cancel the weekend.

If you want to draw a line in the sand about frequent lying, then cancel the weekend.

If this is unusual and you want him to think clearly about the possible consequences, then I'd still go away but raise it calmly and firmly as something that can't be ignored (both the lying and the driving)

If you have other concerns about your MIL's competence to look after your DCs, then use this as a trigger to say no (but if he convinced her he was under the limit & looked sober, the decision was on him not her)

If you are looking for an excuse to cancel the weekend for other reasons then be honest.

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 29/05/2025 11:39

MeridianB · 29/05/2025 11:27

This with bells on. Why would anyone oppose this?

Show quote history

Oh you can bet there would be plenty objections😐

MyCyanReader · 29/05/2025 11:42

Define "drinking all day"?

If he said he'd only had 3 beers and had been there all day, then he would have been fine to drive home.

You metabolise about a unit per hour. 3 pints of beer would be 6 to 9 units. You can drive with a couple of units as that would still be under the legal limit, so as he was at the wedding for hours, then assuming he didn't just down the three pints before he went home, then he would have processed the alcohol by then.

I'd be more annoyed he tried to lie, because why lie if he was OK to drive?

doubleornothing · 29/05/2025 11:44

MeridianB · 29/05/2025 11:27

This with bells on. Why would anyone oppose this?

Show quote history

Unfortunately I can see many many objections to this.

andHelenknowsimmiserablenow · 29/05/2025 11:56

What was the plan originally if your MIL had driven to the wedding? Was her plan to not have a drink and drive home, but when she got there decided to have a drink anyway and then let your DH know she was over the limit so he decided to drive instead?
Not that this excuses either of them.

Shade17 · 29/05/2025 12:03

doodleschnoodle · 29/05/2025 11:26

And personally I think any alcoholic drink in a day and no one should be driving, let alone people saying they would drive after three drinks Shock That is a bit terrifying. Not to mention how unreliable people on the whole are about measurements, how much they’ve actually had, length of time since drinking, etc.

If you want to drink, don’t take the car. If you’ve brought the car, don’t drink. It should be as simple as that nowadays 🤷‍♀️

That’s ridiculous obviously. If you drank 2 pints of 2 unit/pint beer at 12-1pm and then drove at 6pm then I’d not only expect you to be under the limit but have zero alcohol in your system or very close to it.

IVbumble · 29/05/2025 12:26

If he's driving you to wherever you were going this afternoon he might still be over the limit if he drank a lot more last night.

In the event of an accident police usually breathalyse all the drivers involved even if it wasn't your fault.

BlokeHereInPeace · 29/05/2025 12:31

MeridianB · 29/05/2025 11:27

This with bells on. Why would anyone oppose this?

Show quote history

Off topic, but in Scotland the limit is 50 milligrams of alcohol per 100 millilitres of blood, compared with 80 in England and Wales. Zero would be unenforceable, at 2 o'clock the next day there's still a tiny amount left.

Wecantkeepthisup · 29/05/2025 15:05

So many factors in play here as to whether he was over the limit or not.

If he lied, he either

  1. knew he was over the limit, or felt he'd had too much to have driven

  2. knew you'd blow up about it if he'd driven after 3 x 3.5% beers over 10 hours

Food eaten or not eaten has absolutely nothing to do with the alcohol in your blood stream, so it's interesting to see this being mentioned by an awful lot of posters.

I now know that I've historically driven when over the limit. I didn't know then. I now know that I've let friends drive home who have been over the limit. I didn't know then.

The debate on this thread is typical of society. No one sits after a couple of drinks and calculates percentages, timings etc. English law needs a massive overhaul in this area.