Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fuming with MIL and Husband?

134 replies

skydiver1985 · 29/05/2025 00:41

Had a DH family wedding today. Lovely day, I had to leave at around 7pm as our childcare could only stay until then so got home to the DC. Husband staying until end with rest of family. All fine.

DH and MIL just got back to our house. Asked how they got home, DH came up with a lie about someone driving them back. Could tell was lying and challenged. Turns out he had driven them both back in his MIL car. He’s been drinking all day. So has she.

We are supposed to be going away tomorrow for our anniversary (MIL is here to stay for weekend to have the DC).

now I feel completely pissed off at both MIL and DH for DH driving back? Why not get a cab? It’s just beyond selfish on all fronts. Now I feel like I don’t want to go away tomorrow.

MIL didn’t hear our confrontation but I shouted and told him he was selfish and I’m fuming etc. should I confront her tomorrow too? Although she’s supposed to be having our kids for the weekend while we go away?

sorry for such a long rant!!

OP posts:
NeedToChangeName · 29/05/2025 08:10

Icanttakethisanymore · 29/05/2025 06:58

Without knowing if his 3-pints all day claim is true it’s hard to tell but I wonder why he initially lied if he was so confident he was under the limit? Seems like he is lying because he knows he’s done wrong and I’d be fuming too.

Agree

dogcatkitten · 29/05/2025 08:12

Three pints over 12 hours probably wouldn't be over the limit, did he seem drunk? You might be making a mountain out of a mole hill, and if that is how he would expect you to react he may well have lied about the lift to avoid a scene. They both got home safe, no children in the car, life goes on. By all means remind him of the dangers of drinking and driving, but it's over leave it in the past.

Mymanyellow · 29/05/2025 08:12

Lots of different opinions on this thread about being ok to drive after three beers. Best way surely is no drink at all if you know you’re driving.

dogcatkitten · 29/05/2025 08:15

Mymanyellow · 29/05/2025 08:12

Lots of different opinions on this thread about being ok to drive after three beers. Best way surely is no drink at all if you know you’re driving.

Yes, these days we never drink at all if driving, it is so easy to just have another one once you start to drink, particularly at something like a wedding where it's offered all the time. Perhaps he intended to get a lift, but it didn't happen for some reason, but then why take a car if you don't intend to drive home?

TheignT · 29/05/2025 08:16

The OP didn't say he had 3 pints. She said 3 beers, could be a pint but could be a bottle or a can and that could make a big difference.

JemimaPiddlepot · 29/05/2025 08:18

Sorry, MN is playing up and I’ve hit post on the wrong thread 😬

crumblingschools · 29/05/2025 08:19

How much did he drink when you were with them at the wedding? When did the wedding start? What was the plan for them getting home?

dogcatkitten · 29/05/2025 08:20

TheignT · 29/05/2025 08:16

The OP didn't say he had 3 pints. She said 3 beers, could be a pint but could be a bottle or a can and that could make a big difference.

Could be a cans of weak beer or strong lager or pints of comparatively low alcohol beer. It could be 3 units, 6 units or 9 (or more). If you can remove about 1 unit an hour over 12 hours he might well be under the limit in all those scenarios.

YourFairCyanReader · 29/05/2025 08:21

skydiver1985 · 29/05/2025 01:14

He’s said he had 3 beers throughout the day and that this is fine to drive on. I’m not sure this is true though, not sure how I would know for sure either way

It's 1 hr per unit of alcohol. Doesnt matter about food, coffee, sleep etc.

Bottle of Moretti for example is 1.5 units, so 3 bottles would be 7.5 hours. If he really did have only 3 beers over the course of the afternoon and evening, he wouldn't have been over the limit to drive at midnight. Do you know how much he'd had by 7pm when you left?

It does sound like he might be lying because he lied about getting dropped off. What insurance does he have for your MIL car?

TheBewleySisters · 29/05/2025 08:22

When he initially lied and said they’d been given a lift home, how was he going to explain the fact the MIL’s car was outside?

Moonlightexpress · 29/05/2025 08:23

LastPostISwear · 29/05/2025 01:18

If he came home drunk, it doesn’t matter what he drank. He still drunk drove

Show quote history

I think op is just trying to explain what he said about the amount he drank not making a point about it being beer. 🤦‍♀️

itsgettingweird · 29/05/2025 08:26

3 beers all day or 3 beers at the evening do?

If it was 3 pints spread 2 hours or more apart then he probably was fine to drive.

3 pints in 3/4 hours then absolutely not.

The question is do you trust what he’s said? Because if you think he’s lying that’s a bigger issue as well.

buffyajp · 29/05/2025 08:28

BrummieGinge889 · 29/05/2025 02:44

He's fine, they're fine. A whole day thing with lots of food, he was probably fine. I've been to weddings where I down a few glasses of prosecco at midday, get buzzed, gorge on food and cake, and am annoyingly sober by midnight.

Unless he's an alcoholic with a history of drunk driving, I think you are blowing it out of proportion.

You wouldn’t be saying that if it was your child he killed. No wonder drink driving is still rife with attitudes like this.

Bushmillsbabe · 29/05/2025 08:30

Alcohol is processed at rate of about 1 unit per hour. If he had a bottle of beer containing 3 units at 1, another at 3 and one at 5 for example, by midnight he would have been OK to drive. If he had those 3 beers at 7pm, 9pm and 11pm he definitely would not.

The issue for me would have been the lying, if he genuinely thought he was fine then why lie.

Sugargliderwombat · 29/05/2025 08:49

If he hadn't been drinking he'd have said - 'what do you mean how did I get home, I drove, of course! '

Nant90 · 29/05/2025 08:58

So did he seem drunk? OP, you presumably know how much he drank before you left at least? You don't say 'he says 3 beers but I know for a fact he'd had 4 by the time I left?' or 'he says 3 beers but he stank and and seemed out of it/tipsy,' so I feel there's at least a chance he had 3 beers well-spaced out/early on in the day and may well have been ok to drive. So a conversation is needed.
It's worrying that he initially lied, but maybe he thought you were going to make fuss, but maybe you would be right to do so.

I think it's a bit OTT to question whether mil will be driving the dc though. There's nothing here to suggest she would drink and drive, never mind with her dgc in the car. We have no detail on what she has said, all we know is she doesn't have an alcohol problem. OP's dh may have lied to her about how much he had (if he was over the limit) for a start.

MignonsMorceaux · 29/05/2025 09:01

If he had even hit a parked car or a wall, the insurance wouldn't pay out as he had invalidated it by drinking, and you'd have a bill for probably tens of thousands.

MrsSkylerWhite · 29/05/2025 09:03

Weepixie · 29/05/2025 00:49

I wouldn’t be going away and leaving the children with a granny who’s so irresponsible. It could be the next decision she makes is that the kids don’t really need car seats if they all nip out to Tesco’s. In fact she wouldn’t be having them alone again for a very long time.

And as for your husband - I wouldn’t be able to look at him and he’d have to go even temporarily.

Edited

This, in respect of granny. If she’d been drinking all day she would probably be over the limit at least next morning or hungover.

Did your idiot husband not realise that you’d see the car outside? That he didn’t, tells me how drunk he was.

chatgptsbestmate · 29/05/2025 09:04

skydiver1985 · 29/05/2025 08:03

thanks all. I haven’t talked about it yet this morning. Just told him he can get up with the DC while I stay in bed. So he’s downstairs with them sorting them out. We both have the day off as supposed to be leaving this afternoon!

no he has no usual issues with alcohol, neither does MIL.

Then if this is the first time this has happened and he doesn't usually lie, I'd just have a chat about it and carry on as normal. It was a mistake. He's not a drunk driver normally, nor is he a liar normally.

I'd let this time go after a chat.

XiCi · 29/05/2025 09:05

Look. You were with him until 7pm so you must know the rate of his drinking. How many beers did he have whilst with you when you were there the whole day and evening together till 7pm? No way you wouldn't know this. If only a couple of beers then it is very likely he only had one more knowing he was driving home is it not? He had the car there so you must have known he was planning to drive home. 3 beers over the entire day and night he would not be over the limit. The way you worded your OP was that he'd been tanking it for 12 hours and was absolutely bladdered. Just pure rage bait. Ridiculous

legsekeven · 29/05/2025 09:08

Do you think he’s being honest about how much he drank. Would your Mil have believed him. does he normally drink much

crumblingschools · 29/05/2025 09:12

If this was a one off I would be expecting a reasonable chat with DH, a recognition that he shouldn’t have done it, if close or above drink drive limit (the limit shouldn’t be a target to aim for). An explanation why he lied to start with if hadn’t been anywhere near the limit.

I think his reaction when having a discussion will tell you what you need to know

TheCurious0range · 29/05/2025 09:13

You were with him until 7pm how much had he had to drink by then?

If it was 3 beers over a whole day he would've been under the limit by the time he came home (on the basis they were spread out and he didn't down 3 pints in the half hour before they left)

Odd that he lied about how they got home though, surely if the answer was I switched to cokes after you left so I could drive back and we didn't have to pick the car up this morning, he would've said so rather than lie.

Howmanycatsistoomany · 29/05/2025 09:15

skydiver1985 · 29/05/2025 01:14

He’s said he had 3 beers throughout the day and that this is fine to drive on. I’m not sure this is true though, not sure how I would know for sure either way

Yeah, he's lying. If he'd really only had 3 beers all day why would he feel the need to lie about someone driving them home? I couldn't get over the drink driving I'm afraid and like hell I'd ever be leaving my children in the charge of his equally moronic mother.

Dexysmidnightstroller · 29/05/2025 09:39

Driving drunk is no different from waving a loaded gun around drunk. The man is a despicable human being, sorry to be blunt but even Max Verstappen couldn’t drive safely under the influence and anyone who doesn’t realise that is simply an idiot.