Husband keeps having accidents with 15mo

[newmumabouttown]

My DS is 15 months old. My DH is incredibly accident prone. I have tried to talk to him calmly, I’ve also more frequently lost my temper. I’ve tried to approach conversations with seriousness, explain repercussions, but I feel he’s just not listening. Monday he closed the dishwasher and didn’t see our son had his fingers in it and trapped them. Just now, he had his wardrobe open with DS under him but was choosing an outfit and didn’t see DS trap his fingers in hinge. It is destroying our relationship as I keep thinking I just need to get him away / out.
I know he cares, as he can be loving, but I feel like he doesn’t care enough to be on alert all the time or make adjustments. I don’t know what to do… feeling lost.
Also, just to add it’s not just with our DS. He’s constantly stepping on my feet. I had an operation recently and when we were in car he accidentally hit where I’d been cut, and then seconds later slipped changing gear and punched my leg. It wasn’t deliverable, but it’s hard not to feel like it is when it’s so frequent.

The question is WHY has he always been accident prone? I have to say he sounds exactly like my brother who has dyspraxia. He isn’t able to coordinate properly and is always doing things like this. As a child he was just called clumsy at school. It actually distresses him and makes him avoid people because he doesn’t want to be that person but his brain just isn’t wired the same as other people. He isn’t actually aware he isn’t coordinating properly when it happens. He says in his mind he thinks he is doing something properly and it’s not til it’s gone wrong or someone stops him just before it goes wrong that he realises something wasn’t how he thought it was. And even then he still can’t understand it because his brain said he was doing it right. SIL forced him to do something about it in the end because like you, she just couldn’t live like it anymore. He has improved massively but says he has to think constantly over every little thing he does because his mind will still be telling him nothing is wrong with how he’s doing something when to everyone else he clearly isn’t seeing what they are seeing.

Oh that’s interesting! Sounds like my daughter who is ND.

This.

some of these replies that DH is intentionally hurting the child seems bonkers to me.

you absolutely can encourage your little one to be careful of their fingers in places. Our loves the kitchen drawers, and cupboards and since she was walking we’ve said “watch your fingers” she never caught her finger but she very very quickly learned to shut drawers careful without her fingers there! She must have been 13 months old.

I’m not belittling the risks and dangers to a child, but you say you’re seeing a psychologist. Could you perhaps be carathrophising this? Leaving an otherwise healthy and caring relationship feels a massive exaggeration.

My dad's accident prone, I am and so is my 6 year old son. We laugh it off but having watched my son and seen how similar he is to me and my dad I think it's something more. We all bump into objects, walk into walls, even shut our own feet in the car door as we close it before our feet are in (I know!). But all have excellent concentration skills when it comes to things like driving, operating machinery, fine art etc where deep concentration is required. It's like a complete lack of spacial awareness and awareness of surroundings. It's embarrassing and not always easy to laugh off. It's not a lazy or lack of care thing. I do find wearing descreet ear plugs to block out conversations (loop ear plugs) etc helps me with my motor skills and prevents all the different things going on from frazzling my brain so sure there is something more to it.

I know I'm dyspraxic because I can't catch items people throw at me for toffee. On the odd occaison I do happen to get it its only because there's nothing else in my eyeline. PE at school and team sports were horrible. I also ended up passing in an automatic car because the coordination of changing gear and doing other things was too much.
Shutting the dishwasher door on the child's hand however is a mistake any parent could make - why don't you put him behind a baby gate when doing that task so he can't get to the door?

Do you drive? Have you never been in a small car with a tall person and needed to change gear? It’s very easy to accidentally knock someone’s leg when changing gear. You sound like you want him to be abusive.

This situation is really sad. He obviously can’t help it. If he’s always been clumsy then that isn’t going to change just because he’s become a father. It does sound like dyspraxia to me. He’s clearly not doing it on purpose so doesn’t deserve to be denigrated by MN.

My DS2 is just like this... No spacial awareness, physically awkward and super clumsy and he has no concept of how much force (or not) his body should use... He has broken our front door multiple times slamming it. He doesn't mean to, but his proprioception is very poor. He is officially dyspraxic. He is so unaware of his surroundings that he is a disaster on the move. He can't help it , but tries. (He's an adult) I look after my baby and preschooler grandchildren and the 4 yr old has MUCH better spacial awareness.
I think it sounds like your Dh really can't help it and you just have to be in charge until your little one is old enough to get out of the way himself!

He obviously can’t help it. If he’s always been clumsy then that isn’t going to change just because he’s become a father. It does sound like dyspraxia to me. He’s clearly not doing it on purpose so doesn’t deserve to be denigrated by MN.

The problem isn’t that he has ‘accidents’……

The HUGE problem is that he doesn’t care and refuses to do anything about it !!!!!

This sounds very like he possibly has issues with proprioception and the cause of this needs to be investigated.
( I am familiar with this as my daughter has disabilities )
My daughter is however extremely “ visual “ so will notice the smallest things that the rest of the family don’t .
or he could have dyspraxia.
I do understand why you’re annoyed and stressed.
I myself am hyper aware when very small children are around because they get into everything and appear out of nowhere !

Id be interested to know how often he physically hurts his colleagues or wider family

I’m sorry you’re in this position. It must be stressing you out :(

1. you can’t just say “he isn’t dyspraxic. He doesn’t have adhd” etc etc. You aren’t a professional and if his sister is like it as well then he should be medically assessed to see if it is a condition he can’t help
2. Keeping a log of when it happens is a good suggestion from a pp. At the very least you can show it to a professional or post it on here to see if the type and frequency of accident are deemed normal or not.
3. it takes a while to adjust to being a parent. I was much more inattentive / flippant with my eldest than I am three children later with my youngest. Maybe it isn’t something sinister, maybe he just doesn’t realise how fragile a child is or process properly the implications of not being careful enough.

He needs a Dr appointment before he has ds alone imo. He needs to see how serious you are about keeping your dc safe... Mind blown by the poster who said to teach your 15 month old to keep his fingers out of hinges!!

Yep this is me and my family, we're all hypermobile.

It’s not so much what’s happening but his reaction that’s ‘off’.
A good father bonded to his child would be devastated and incredibly upset to have hurt his child and caused them substantial pain - trapped fingers are agony!!
Such a person would also be thinking about and doing everything they could to stop it happening again.
If he isn’t showing these feelings or thinking of strategies to prevent them - common sense se - my child is small and fragile and my responsibility - where is he? I better be careful opening/ closing this/ stepping here etc etc. then something is missing/ wrong. Can you explain this to him and seek external help?

Don't be so ridiculous. If that was the case he wouldn't be accidentally hurting his wife.
He does sound clumsy but also just not aware enough. Children obviously change and this is one of the most challenging ages.
I don't know how you can make him more aware though. Really tricky.

It sounds like he just doesn’t care enough to be careful OP. Does he step on other people’s toes? Does he “accidentally” hit his boss as he interacts with them? Has he “accidentally” hit his mum or dad before? Does he “accidentally” barge into people or drop things in public spaces? I am happy to admit I am wrong if it is yes to the above but I’m betting it’s not.

My grown up son has ADHD and is extremely accident prone, always doing stuff to himself even now and he’s been a frequent visitor to A&E since he was young ( we were virtually on first name terms with the Children’s Hospital A&E staff). He has 2 children and has never hurt them in an accident he is super aware around them and always tries to be a step ahead of them and watch out for potential problems. Of course the kids have the normal bumps and trips while playing and the youngest is totally fear free so may have inherited that from dad. So even if your DH has an issue it doesn’t mean that hurting his child is inevitable “it was an accident” is not a free pass he needs to look at his behaviour.

No he's a moron if he's managed to shut the child's fingers in more than one hinge/door.
Do it once ... Accident.
After that he should be hyper vigilant to ensure the little hands are no where in the way.

If that means he picks child up or gets them well out of the way then so be it..for him not to realise that himself is the concern.

Maybe you simply need to teach him to do a check where the little ones hands are before he does things that potentially dangerous. And that's a lot more than just shutting things.

My DS is 13 and is dyspraxic and has ADHD (there is a huge overlap and the same medication helps both).
He bumps into people and things and crucially when he's learning something he needs to be reminded to look at what he's doing. I can completely see him bashing someone because he was not looking where he was putting his hands, and I've seen him do this. It's like he doesn't really know that in order to get your hands to do what you are trying to do, you have to look at them as well.
He's not sporty, but loves active games - he plays football in breaks at school but was aged out of the youngest group at football training so he would have been too old for that group but not skilled enough for the next group. However, he also plays another sport (just for fun) and copes well enough to have fun though he'll never be competitive.
If his sister is like this too (it's genetic) I'd put my money on that.

Colleagues probably don’t put their fingers in a cupboard hinge or dishwasher when he’s about to close the door though.

You do need to be more careful with small children about and it sounds like that is more difficult than usual for him. It is something that he needs to work on, OP is absolutely right there.

Dismissing things like dyspraxia as even a possibility isn’t that helpful though.

Does he need glasses?
Otherwise dyspraxia as others have mentioned.
Or extreme lack if spacial awareness.
Has he always been like this or suddenly got worse?
Becuase some medical conditions can cause this.

presuming that you would know if he was abusive and that this is not a type of normal unkind behaviour then I would look again at the dyspraxia and adhd - inattentive behaviours can be the signature so even if you think it over diagnosed it could well explain your partner and his sister. As the football - hmmm you can do ok with dyspraxia but tend to end up in goal as you are never great. I am the same. Have done all sorts to the kids overtime. Fired them out of buggies I never strapped them into, knocked them over and all sorts of other disasters. I left them behind In places and locked them in and me out etc I am a very attentive parent but am the same with myself and everything around me. DH is a careful type who never looses anything - he fortunately understands that my best is still a bit shit. I did care though and often tried to implement this to stop repeat issues - often unsuccessfully. I didnt feel guilty or upset - I am very tough after a lifetime of walloping myself so unless there is a break or something can’t be steristripped wouldn’t bother that much. As a default position I can see how different this was to dh’s. If he is like me you are going to need much better communication together - I do marvel at how a person like DH tolerates me as he would never leave the iron or hob on or the front door open or throw the keys in the bin but actually he doesn’t tolerate me he loves me and so he should - I am also great. Practically your relationship can’t withstand contempt and that seems to be building in your feelings towards DH.

Where do you get that from?

The OP says he does care but she is assuming that because he hasn’t managed to rectify the situation he doesn’t care enough. The OP also says she frequently loses her temper with him and has decided via Doctor Google than he isn’t dyspraxic, despite describing lots of classic issues that arise with dyspraxia. Nor does the OP say he has refused to get help or do anything about it - in her opinion its just not enough.

Its enough to make anyone lose confidence, especially if someone is dyspraxic and being shouted at and told its all just their lack of caring enough for their child.

The man needs to see someone to be assessed, especially if its a family trait. Then if it is dyspraxia or similar he can start to learn the strategies used to manage it better and the OP needs to understand that losing your temper with a dyspraxic actually makes them clumsier not better.

Did you miss the part about him constantly stepping on the OP’s toes and “accidentally” hitting her?

Would you have been upset if you kept hurting your child? I assume that you would but OP's DH doesn't seem to care. He keeps regularly trapping his small child's fingers, which is really painful for them, but he doesn't seem bothered.