Husband keeps having accidents with 15mo

[newmumabouttown]

My DS is 15 months old. My DH is incredibly accident prone. I have tried to talk to him calmly, I’ve also more frequently lost my temper. I’ve tried to approach conversations with seriousness, explain repercussions, but I feel he’s just not listening. Monday he closed the dishwasher and didn’t see our son had his fingers in it and trapped them. Just now, he had his wardrobe open with DS under him but was choosing an outfit and didn’t see DS trap his fingers in hinge. It is destroying our relationship as I keep thinking I just need to get him away / out.
I know he cares, as he can be loving, but I feel like he doesn’t care enough to be on alert all the time or make adjustments. I don’t know what to do… feeling lost.
Also, just to add it’s not just with our DS. He’s constantly stepping on my feet. I had an operation recently and when we were in car he accidentally hit where I’d been cut, and then seconds later slipped changing gear and punched my leg. It wasn’t deliverable, but it’s hard not to feel like it is when it’s so frequent.

Because people are different? The husband here is obviously very clumsy and the OP isn’t 🤷‍♀️

Start teaching DS not to put fingers in doors that might get closed and even more important hinges (I nearly lost the end of a thumb like that as a child), people just don't realise and shut doors. D|H sounds a bit clumsy, nothing more, he's not doing anything bad just not used to the things small children do. DS will get bigger and learn and DH will get better at spotting potential problems.

Really? None of them?

OP there is always something underlying people being 'just clumsy and accident prone', usually some neurodivergence/dyspraxia/spacial awareness issue.

Whatever it is, it doesn't sound like he's doing it on purpose. But the main issue is about both of your insight into the problem, and willingness to get any help for it.

Firstly, if he's in denial that there's an issue then it's going to be impossible to do anything about it.

And secondly, if you refuse to entertain the idea that there might be something like dyspraxia or ADHD going on, because you think it's 'overused', that's also problematic because you will blame him for things that are not really his fault, and you won't support him to get the help he might need.

You can't solve a problem that neither of you will admit is there.

(P.S. it is perfectly possible to have dyspraxia and still be a good goalkeeper).

Are you saying he has consulted a professional on this and it has been ruled out? Or that you googled and decided he isn’t dyspraxic? As other pp say - it sounds a lot like dyspraxic behaviours I’ve seen and if it is there are strategies which can be learned to help.

You also say he has bad sight - how bad? Significantly poor sight in growing children can result in poor development of depth perception which also translates into seeming clumsiness.

In either case I’m not sure what you think your work therapist can do. Someone with expertise in the relevant area would need to assess (rather than your workplace psychologist who is not his clinician).

Bear in mind that if there is an issue and its a family trait its entirely possible your DS may have the same “clumsiness”.

was he on his phone when the dishwasher/ wardrobe accidents happened?

My exdh was like this and I thought similarly to you. Then my son was born and he was very like it too. Turns out they both have issues with their proprioreception, so they don’t interpret feedback from their bodies in same way nt people do. So closing doors too hard, slamming drawers, being rubbish at knowing where their bodies are in relation to others. Helped me be more empathetic as I realised ex couldn’t help it.

I tried to write this but you’ve said it so much more succinctly.

I have ADHD and I am both impulsive and accident prone and it took me a long time to get my husband to understand.

OP neurodiverse isn’t just running around and yelling ‘woo’ or staring into space all day. You shouldn’t be dismissing anything based upon what you have read online. Your DH needs to go and get medical support and get to the bottom of it with your support and not your dismissal. You both need to adjust your thinking.

www.healthline.com/health/fitness/proprioception

Does he hurt himself frequently through clumsiness? Or only you and your son?

Without meaning to be rude, having spent a lot of time being dragged into family court by my delightful ex, this is not good advice.

Women’s aid may tell you it’s abuse. NSPCC will may tell you it’s a child safeguarding issue (which you already know) Their advice won’t help you in court. GPs can’t do anything although obviously report any injuries.

If you end up in court- if it has continued at this level they are unlikely to care at all and if you raise it it will be minimised by the other side and you’ll be painted as hostile and controlling.

if you go in with a load of advice from NSPCC and women’s aid you may find yourself being shouted at by the judge, they don’t like it. They decide whats happened, and have court reporters to dig into things in more detail.

The court system fucking stinks. Things like this should be taken into account, but in my experience they are not. Sorry OP it’s not easy.

When DS was little we got these plastic/ rubber things that you attach to the top of your door to stop them fully closing. We had insanely heavy doors and I was worried (paranoid) about him getting his fingers caught. It doesn't solve your DH being a complete klutz but it will give you some peace of mind.

I would be going absolutely off my trolley if I were you. Wondering why you are ruling out ADHD or dyspraxia.

Dyspraxia isn’t just about being clumsy.
It impacts executive functioning, the ability to prioritise, carry out and switch between tasks too. It’s a form of neurodiversity. You’re think there’s something psychological going on? All neurodiversity (including dyspraxia) is psychological.

OP, you are blaming him for this, thinking he doesn’t care enough, but it’s unlikely that’s the problem.
Neither of you seem willing to admit that he probably has a condition that is causing these things to happen. That’s an issue and that’s what you both need to address here. There are strategies that can help when you recognise the problem.

op I’m like this. I can drive and ride a bike but have accidents injuring myself and bumping others. My life made much more sense when my ds was diagnosed with a dyspraxia type impairment after struggling with PE and normal life activities. I can’t judge how much force to use or where others are around me. Knowing has really helped me as I need to slow down and do things very very slowly to avoid injury to others.

Awareness of this kind of impairment is the first step and introducing safety checks is the second.

He could have dyspraxia although that's not really the point. If he knows he's clumsy and careless and it results in accidents and it upsets you he needs to put some strategies in place to help him. It doesn't sound like he can be bothered making the effort which must be upsetting.

Sounds like he’s just careless to me and needs to work on it. I would be pissed off too OP! Even if it is dyspraxia he needs to work out how to stop harming his kid!

Yes, sad for OP and her toddler who keep getting hurt by this clumsy oaf.

I’m very clumsy too but I hurt myself, not other people.

'he's constantly stepping on my feet'

'accidentally hit me'

'incredibly accident prone'

'choosing an outfit and didn't see DS trap his fingers' (distraction /executive functioning/ processing issue)

'I suggested maybe he needs some medical help' (other people notice that it's more than 'normal' clumsiness).

OP - these are literally all indicators of dyspraxia or another kind of neurodivergence which affects processing, executive functioning and spacial awareness. I don't know what you've read but your description of your husband on this thread alone fits a huge number of the characteristics.

My DH was like this. Later diagnosed with ADHD and dyspraxia. He was just distractable. I couldn't leave young kids alone with him. My DH has been like this his whole life so accidents weren't so unusual in his mind. If this has always been your DH's normal, that could be why he shrugs it off. Not saying that makes it okay but sometimes there's a reason. I did get better when they were older and able to self supervise a bit more.

I have dyspraxia (Ehler’s Danlos). I didn’t know this when my kids were wee because it wasn’t a thing. I knew to be extra careful. I didn’t have accidents.

he doesn’t care enough to … make adjustments

I had an operation recently and when we were in car he accidentally hit where I’d been cut, and then seconds later slipped changing gear and punched my leg.

These just do not read like accidents. He isnt even apologetic.

Does he seem sorry when he hurts you or DS? If he doesn’t then I’d be worried that he’s doing these things (or some of them) on purpose. How on earth did he hurt you when he changed gear?!

I am very clumsy and have poor coordination and poor spatial awareness to the point where I don’t drive or cycle as I think I would be risk to myself and other road users. I am however very careful around my child and have not had any major accidents yet. I think all parents will have some minor accident at some point though. I also recognise my limitations and acted accordingly such as not trying to do things one handed while holding DD as a baby and not making hot drinks while she is around.

Definitely do not let your ideologically driven preconceptions about 'over diagnosis' influence you on something which is so very very serious OP.

If this is a lifelong thing, it's a lifelong thing. I am usually the first to point out abusive behaviour, and you shouldn't shut your eyes to the possibility - but don't ignore this likelihood either .

It's not the thing he can't help (possibly) that's the problem. It's the lack of concern he shows about it that's the problem.

I'm autistic, so I try hard to look out for my known difficulties and ameliorate them as best I can. I can't help being autistic but I can be motivated enough to redress the inevitable challenges it causes. Your DH needs to exhibit some of that motivation.