Husband keeps having accidents with 15mo

[newmumabouttown]

My DS is 15 months old. My DH is incredibly accident prone. I have tried to talk to him calmly, I’ve also more frequently lost my temper. I’ve tried to approach conversations with seriousness, explain repercussions, but I feel he’s just not listening. Monday he closed the dishwasher and didn’t see our son had his fingers in it and trapped them. Just now, he had his wardrobe open with DS under him but was choosing an outfit and didn’t see DS trap his fingers in hinge. It is destroying our relationship as I keep thinking I just need to get him away / out.
I know he cares, as he can be loving, but I feel like he doesn’t care enough to be on alert all the time or make adjustments. I don’t know what to do… feeling lost.
Also, just to add it’s not just with our DS. He’s constantly stepping on my feet. I had an operation recently and when we were in car he accidentally hit where I’d been cut, and then seconds later slipped changing gear and punched my leg. It wasn’t deliverable, but it’s hard not to feel like it is when it’s so frequent.

I personally wouldn't assume it's malicious even though it's mainly accidents with you or other people. When were his eyes last tested? Can he go to a different or more expensive opticians for a second opinion? My feeling is that maybe he knows where his body is (so is not e.g. trapping his own fingers) but can't see very well so small things like baby fingers or things on the floor are a problem.

Eyesight can deteriorate without the person really noticing or they can be in denial about it. I've known a couple of people who have dusty/dirty houses but don't realise because their eyesight has deteriorated and literally can't see it. But they don't know what they can't see. And as they've worn glasses for years they think the glasses are giving them good vision because they can't remember what it's like to actually have good vision

I haven't read everyone else's posts, so sorry if this has already been mentioned, but has he considered what might happen if these incidents keep happening and either nursery or school or medical professionals end up reporting you to social services? He doesn't seem to be taking this as seriously as you are.

Surely it's malicious to not show any concern or remorse when you have injured a baby?

"let’s not label people, even if we do, what does it matter?"

It matters because immediately after saying this, you go on to say he doesn't "care" enough and you want him to change this.

If he has dyspraxia/ ADHD/ Neurodivergence of another kind, this is not about him not caring, it's about the way his brain works, and there is a lot of support available. But only if you are actually open to the possibility and exploring it.

Oh definitely to not show any remorse or concern! I must've missed that bit! In that case either in denial about eyesight to a psychopathic level, or malicious and I would document everything and plan to split

What won't help is your absolute denial that he may have a condition that is completely diagnosable and manageable. Sometimes, understanding what something is, and having a word for it, is helpful.

Really?
it’s literally a condition that affects balance, coordination and motor skills.
symptoms n1. Clumsiness.

Just because there are other symptoms, doesn’t mean you need to have them.

Secondly, unless this started a few months ago, this is much more likely to be a medical condition.
Certain life changes or situations can emphasise symptoms of conditions we’ve always had but we masked/learned to cope with.

The OP hasn't actually said he doesn't show any remorse or doesn't care. Only that she feels he doesn't because she doesn't think he's making efforts to change. Without knowing why it's happening - which the OP also doesn't seem keen to explore - it's not really possible to know how the hapless husband is feeling. My guess, based upon the OP admitting she loses her temper with him, is that he feels attacked, which is never a good starting point for solving a problem.

This was my instant thought too. My 15 year old has dyspraxia and he is labelled as clumsy. Also, very accident prone.

Could he have a problem with depth perception if he’s a glasses wearer? Maybe an eye test?

I am very accident prone. All my life i have hurt myself in various ways and broken various objects. I have a random bruise on my body at any given time. I just don't pay enough attention to my surroundings.

I have a 9 month old who is crawling and almost walking. I am on high alert, always. I know what I am like and I know that my son's safety is the most important thing. I have actually caught his finger in a hinge once when we were playing but that's it.

Your husband just doesn't care enough about his son. That is the truth.

THIS!!! He stubs his toes CONSTANTLY. I just didn’t think of that initially as it’s never a serious pain or cause him to cry like DS so less memorable perhaps.

Thank you… I think it’s really unkind how people say he doesn’t care at all about his son. He has been messaging all afternoon about it, so clearly something landed from our conversation this morning and he does care as he’s wanting to talk about positive steps. So that’s massive progress from how it has been.

This is spot on, which is why I’m also getting help and looking to modify how I react

You may have missed my posts about getting third party support, I’m not in ABSOLUTE denial. I was skeptical and I have acknowledge the people who have provided constructive insight on why a medical consultation may be useful.
There are also a lot of assumptions being made about my therapists specialties. People have assumed this is not her field.

He had one very recently, I think he was clueless DS was even next to him with dishwasher incident - which is about distractions and focus.
I’m not sure even the gadgets proper recommended would help with a dishwasher when you need to close it to run the cycle. So have asked husband what he proposes in that situation and to get medically trained therapist to talk through that situation and what sorts of techniques would work for better awareness.

@RickiRaccoon I really have to disagree with this. Trapping fingers in doors (dishwashers and drawers) twice in quick succession is not something that should be glossed over for "the toddler years". The child is being hurt. Repeatedly. This is not "spilling wine" territory. A child could be permanently injured.

@Forthemarket you really should try to work on this. It's not fair on the people around you. Your post comes across as though you think it's fine. It's really not.

Therapists can't diagnose ADHD or dyspraxia.They might offer some insights, and it will be useful to have a discussion especially if she has some knowledge, but ultimately he'd have to see his GP or book a private assessment with a specialist.

Of course, one step at a time

If he does look into ADHD, go via Right to Choose. It will reduce the waiting time drastically.

https://adhduk.co.uk/right-to-choose/

There's also a self screening tool that he could do here:

https://adhduk.co.uk/adult-adhd-screening-survey/

I used to be so defensive about things like forgetting things, because I knew was not doing it on purpose, but people were irritated with me because they thought I just wasn't trying. So I would feel attacked when someone complained and implied I just didn't care, because I knew I did.

Once I had a diagnosis of ADHD, and had an explanation for why I was screwing up so much, despite actually being a caring person who didn't want to screw up, it was so much easier to focus on solutions.

With the diagnosis, it was easier to acknowledge the size of the problem, because I wasn't being asked to agree at the same time that I was an uncaring person who wasn't really trying. That's what used to make me defensive and deny it was that big a deal.

Now I understand that I need to take precautions way beyond what most people need to do. I use loads of reminders and backup reminders and backups to backup reminders.

Perhaps for your dh it might be never opening or closing anything in a room with a child unless they're several feet away, because he might come to understand he can't trust his own eyes/proprioception/strength. Even if he doesn't have issues quite bad enough for a diagnosis, he might still be able to recognise he does have a persistent problem, if he can get past feeling very defensive about it.

He seems to think that 'it was an accident' gets him off the hook - that it isn't his responsibility to think ahead and prevent accidents.

This is a very immature response. It's something a six year old would consider adequate.

You're looking at the behaviour of a man who is completely single task-oriented and who has always had the luxury of being required to only focus on only one thing. Hence being good at keeping goal. (I'm a former goalie who also played defender, and the stuff you have to pay attention to in these two roles is completely different). He simply hasn't adapted at all to the demands posed by life with a toddler. He thinks he can still be completely single task-oriented. I would hazard a guess that he has no conception whatsoever of the mental load you carry in the home as the parent of DS. He carries none of that.

Ask him how he would go about preventing the accidents you've listed.
'Check for location of DS before closing any hinged door' should be top of the list of solutions to the problem. See if he thinks of it.

Utter rubbish. You sound like you’ve got an agenda

I went through that with him and his proposal was not using doors. I said how impractical that was, so when I suggested about checking whether DS was there before closing, and asking DH if there’s ways that would help him remember that, it got into a huge discussion and he kept going off topic proposing solutions that just wouldn’t apply in the door scenario. I asked him to keep thinking of what would work for him, and if he thinks of something mentally apply it and test if it would have stopped the door incident. If not, then it’s not the right solution for that scenario. It feels so basic, I don’t know how much more to break it down without someone else helping.