Not invited to my boyfriends surprise birthday party

[Becwi]

My boyfriends 40th Birthday is coming up shortly.
I Had messaged his mum to see if she had organised something, however after not hearing back after a few days presumed she hadn’t. So I organised a surprise to do something and invite along lots of his friends, She messaged me back 2 weeks later and said yes, on the date I had planned too. I explained that because I hadn’t heard back I’d planned something.
Shes then rang my boyfriend shouting about it, not once confronted me about it.
I said don’t worry I’ll cancel what I’d planned to stop any drama and caused arguments with me and my boyfriend.
so fast forward 6 days before, I get a message from his friends girlfriend asking me what I’m wearing, what the plans are after his party. I know nothing about this party!
i haven’t mentioned it to my boyfriend because I don’t want to ruin his birthday, upset him or cause drama.
AIBU for being so annoyed and so upset about no invitation?

Could she just be being coy with the details because she’s keeping the surprise a secret? You might just need to turn up with partner on the day x

I would be sorely tempted to do this. I doubt I'd enjoy it anyway after all this drama.

I’d told him to keep the date free. But then she told him she’d planned had a surprise for that day

She sounds horrid!! I would call her instead of messaging. If she doesn’t answer turn up at her door. She’s old enough not to act like a child so speak about it with her and see what the issue is, as clearly she has an issue.

In theory, as his partner, you would be the one accompanying him wherever he goes, so don’t worry about not knowing the location etc. Just get yourself dressed up and go with him. Don’t miss out on a special event for him because your “in-law” is on a selfish power trip!!

I bet he wouldn’t be happy if you’re not there with him xx

And why didn't he say actually I AM worried about it, because you haven't invited her, so you'd better get in touch with her ASAP with the details? Does he even want you there? Because I don't understand why he's not getting this sorted if he's bothered about you being there?

It all sounds so petty and I wouldn't want to be involved with a family like that. If he can't tell his Mum that you will be there then that surely shows the kind of man he is. He's 40, not 4.

That’s been suggested 41 times so far, OP won’t even respond to the suggestion.

He knows, why do you think otherwise?

OP, her bloke and his mum all seem to treat words as if they’re rationed so of course there’s a drama.

OP has done that a bunch of times, as well as texting. It either results in the mom yelling, no response or an answer that is much too late.

As I’ve already said she doesn’t respond.

Are you saying she won’t answer the phone if she sees that it’s you calling her?

She definitely hasn’t said she’s ever called her, just that she’s messaged her. The mum phoned the boyfriend, not her.

So phone the friend who contacted you and ask her what she knows? If she doesn't know anything yet, ring back nearer the date. Or wait until your partner has more details. Or sit with him on the day waiting to see what happens.

I had not read it correctly. I stand corrected. Still weird the mom yelled at her son over something his girlfriend had arranged.

I wouldn’t even want to go with all this drama and I’d sack them both off.
Your partner sounds like a weak willed spineless creature.

His mum changed the subject and he let her. Jesus Christ.
He will never have your back.
What on earth do you see in him.

OP, it's a horrible situation and your MIL is being a bitch. However, I would just leave it, because everyone will surely be asking where you are and your BF won't have an answer and your MIL will look like the total bitch she clearly is. Plan a nice day for yourself and fuck her. She will come out looking awful, believe you me.

Is he an only child op? Does his mum have a husband or partner or does he have a sibling you could ask instead?

Have you tried actually ringing her and she doesn't respond or are you only texting her?

At this point I'd be inclined to pop by her house, leave in a tin of biscuits or something 'useful' as an excuse and then ask her directly in person what the plans are and see what she says. As long as you're polite and friendly about it then no issue. It also might be the case she thinks you've tried to cut her out and has been offended that you planned your own party she wasn't invited to. So I'd actually address that and make sure the air was clear. Otherwise this will just fester what sounds like an otherwise positive relationship and create a hassle for your other half. Though tbh it sounds like he needs to grow a set quite frankly. He's not really coming across as having your back in this.

You definitely haven’t said you’ve called her. Just messaged. Calling would be a good idea.

If she's said "yes" and given you the date, I'd assume she thought you were going.

Maybe I'm a twat, but I'd be expecting my partner to not go to this party in solidarity with me being treated like shit. Which is probably her game with all this, she wants him to choose her and hurt you. Absolutely pathetic - whatever happens, she's destroyed relationships for something incredibly petty.

Being very optimistic - perhaps 'don't worry about it' means it's a surprise for both of you, and you're both being picked up by a fancy car, or going on a balloon ride for two! I'd not give a fuck and tag along - hold hands, hold on firmly, get in the vehicle and say "ooh how exciting!"

Time to ditch this one. This is not a healthy relationship, as his mum still takes first place. I would have gone ahead with the party I had arranged and ignored the mil's "do".you would then have been quite clear where boyfriends loyalties lie.

When you say she doesn’t respond, do you mean to messages? Or if you get her on the phone, does she not answer the direct question? Or does she not answer your calls?

you need to talk to her, not message.

ask her directly (not via message, via using your voice on the phone or in person) if you are expected and the timings etc.

But I would also be reconsidering a relationship with a man whose parents would leave me out after 3 years and who I didn’t feel I could talk to about this.

Based on his mother arranging a surprise event and not telling you..

Is she organising a taxi for him?
How will he know when to be ready?
Does she expect him to drive himself?
How will he know the dress code?

It strikes me that his mother is hijacking his birthday celebration but it seems destined to be one humongous failure simply because she refuses to communicate.

In your position I would watch and wait…..what you don’t know about you can’t help with can you. FWIW his mother sounds like a dreadful person.