Not invited to my boyfriends surprise birthday party

[Becwi]

My boyfriends 40th Birthday is coming up shortly.
I Had messaged his mum to see if she had organised something, however after not hearing back after a few days presumed she hadn’t. So I organised a surprise to do something and invite along lots of his friends, She messaged me back 2 weeks later and said yes, on the date I had planned too. I explained that because I hadn’t heard back I’d planned something.
Shes then rang my boyfriend shouting about it, not once confronted me about it.
I said don’t worry I’ll cancel what I’d planned to stop any drama and caused arguments with me and my boyfriend.
so fast forward 6 days before, I get a message from his friends girlfriend asking me what I’m wearing, what the plans are after his party. I know nothing about this party!
i haven’t mentioned it to my boyfriend because I don’t want to ruin his birthday, upset him or cause drama.
AIBU for being so annoyed and so upset about no invitation?

Far too much drama for me this. Its possible MIL just assumes that you will be turning up together so she doesnt need to tell you any details until she tells your DP the plans. You haven't addressed how shes planning on getting him to the party? Surely someone has to tell him when and where to be, so he can actually turn up there? Just be there with him. Hes not going to walk out of the house and leave you home alone is he. And if he does do that, then you need to run far away!! Get ready together, leave the house together. Its really not that difficult ffs.

Sometimes I think that Occams Razor applies to threads. If they seem to be full of the most high drama possible with uninformative and unresponsive one liners that address pretty much nothing anyone has said...

This

Why would OP go along when her boyfriend hasn’t made it clear to OP and his mum that his partner is a must- have for the party?

Just go with him.

Maybe she just expects u to come but doesn’t want to tell u the details in case u spoil the surprise? Or maybe u need to ditch the bf and mother in one go??

She definitely didn’t have anything planned until you messaged her.

Go with your boyfriend. Invited or not. Do not kick up a fuss or say anything about not being invited.

After the event you need to sit down with your boyfriend and have a frank conversation. He needs to back you up 100%. No letting things slide, no excuses of “that’s the way she is”. He must speak to her about why she didn’t invite you.

This! Ask the friend who asked what you are wearing, where the part is and just turn up 😀

Im sorry this is mad, if i were you i would be saying to him that id had enough and im not organising anything for his birthday and that im not turning up at his mothers to be ignored at a party and that im too old for this ☆☆☆☆ and if he doesnt grow a pair and sort it out with mummy im off and we are over.....you are 40 not 14

How is it a surprise if he's asked for it?

Just don't turn up. Explain to him afterwards that you weren't invited. See what he does.

@Becwi I think I'd be inclined to let the cat out of the bag and tell the BF that his mum has arranged a surprise party and that you haven't been invited.

I would be interested in his reaction.

I think you said she told you she is organising something and the date. Just send her a text saying you’re looking forward to it and is there anything you can help with. Hopefully she hasn’t been trying to exclude you and this will fix the misunderstanding and poor communication.

If she has been intending to exclude you she will have to stop being shady and say so or just accept you will be attending. As she has been so indirect (spineless) I doubt she will be anything other than sweetness and light on the day

Well the ball is in his court to see if he will stand up for you or choose to keep his mother happy. I wouldn't push it anymore at this point and just wait and see.

Whatever he decides will tell you where you stand on his priority list and then the ball will be in your court to decide if you want to accept and continue the relationship, demand changes or move on.

Blimey I'm the mum of a 40 year old and no way would I be organising his birthday if he had a girlfriend of 3 years!

And if I wanted to organise a family meal or similar I'd chat with son & girlfriend first to see what suited them.

This is beyond weird OP.

Sorry, but whose mum arranges a party for an adult child? I’ve never come across this in real life.

Does your partner / did your partner know about either of the party arrangements? I’m a bit confused.

Pick up the phone- call your partners Mum and arrange it together.

What a weird situation!

This is just another example of why surprise parties are awful.

im pretty sure that in a committed relationship, Mummy doesn’t need to arrange a birthday surprise for her son. That responsibility would lie with a long term spouse.
I’m really sorry this is happening to you.
you do need to nip it in the bud or this kind of behaviour will continue.
what do you want to happen?
what does your DP want to happen?

I think you need to speak to your boyfriend about this. It's his birthday he needs to take some control.

I’d let them crack on with it. Your bf isn’t that bothered about you enough to talk to his own mother. Tells you enough, you decide if what you want a mummy pleasing bf.

The mother has already told you, you said so yourself.

OP did you invite her to the party you'd arranged?

If not, that's why she hasn't invited you to the one she's arranged.

100% this.