Not invited to my boyfriends surprise birthday party

[Becwi]

My boyfriends 40th Birthday is coming up shortly.
I Had messaged his mum to see if she had organised something, however after not hearing back after a few days presumed she hadn’t. So I organised a surprise to do something and invite along lots of his friends, She messaged me back 2 weeks later and said yes, on the date I had planned too. I explained that because I hadn’t heard back I’d planned something.
Shes then rang my boyfriend shouting about it, not once confronted me about it.
I said don’t worry I’ll cancel what I’d planned to stop any drama and caused arguments with me and my boyfriend.
so fast forward 6 days before, I get a message from his friends girlfriend asking me what I’m wearing, what the plans are after his party. I know nothing about this party!
i haven’t mentioned it to my boyfriend because I don’t want to ruin his birthday, upset him or cause drama.
AIBU for being so annoyed and so upset about no invitation?

Either just go wherever he goes and style it out.

Or message her saying in the absence of any info you assume her party isn’t on and therefore you’re taking him away for the weekend.

If it’s a surprise party won’t you and your boyfriend turn up together to the surprise?

Are you "not invited" or are you just expected to turn up with him? Obviously they'll need to be some way to get the birthday "boy" there so won't you just go with him?

I think id be inclined to ask MIL for the details, saying that if there is no response you'll assume it's not on and will be booking a last minute break for you and BF, then do it if need be.

My mum was in her 70s and glued to her mobile phone, texted rather than called. I think it’s the generation above that that weren’t into mobile phones.

yes my mum was in her late 40s when mobiles became a common thing, died in her 70s and was texting all the time, searching for stuff, buying stuff online, games etc, wouldn’t think to call. I think it’s the generation above that who didn’t experience them.

I think you stick with your boyfriend that day. You go where he goes. He's surprised ? So you're surprised along with him. Just look fabulous.

He was, but he just kept quiet and she changed the subject. He’s getting really annoyed at the situation and doesn’t want to go, wherever it may be. Now when I’ve brought it up he just says he doesn’t want to talk about it.

Because that was all that was said, she changed the subject.

Organise to arrive at the party with your BF. Look lovely. Be kind and charming to the old bag.
Make sure bf knows you had organised something but deferred to his mums plans that she made after you'd made plans.
Let his mum make an ugly scene, it will only look bad on her. Kill her with kindness. Nothing will annoy her more.

That's what I'd do. Make sure you plan something special for the two of you for hos 40th then post the pics all over your socials for her to see.
You got this queen. If you cant charm her, charm everyone else. Then she's the one with the problem !

I don't think its that wildly weird a parent organizing something.

My mam has passed away so won't see my 40th but for my 30th she got the whole family (albeit we are only a small family of 12 in 4 households) together for a fancy meal.

It didn't step on DH toes though, he still organized his own plans too and was obviously invited to the family party too.

She couldn't be assuming that you know what's happening and she doesn't need to invite you formally, could she, @Becwi?

I really hope this is a simple misunderstanding, because the alternative is that she is being deliberately nasty to you, and you don't deserve that!

the last message she replied to just said yes and date. Haven’t heard anymore.

Can’t you ask the friend’s gf what the plans are?
and then can you phone the MIL and just ask her what is going on? Ask her outright why she isn’t replying to your messages.
it’s all very weird and I can’t believe your bf has allowed this to play out. It sound more like a teenage party than something for 40 year olds!
Do you really want to be with someone who won’t stand up for you and allows his mum to treat you with such little respect?

Id just assume I was going too, I don’t know why you think you’re not. You’ll know where to go when he does!

It blows my mind that you wouldn’t mention it to your boyfriend. It would be the first thing I’d do because I’d be comfortable enough to do so and know I am supposed to be there with him

This. As a couple I'd assume he/they will just turn up somewhere btogether - eg a pub - and find people waiting

If OPs replies on here are anything to go by you can see where all the ridiculous confusion is coming from! It’s like pulling teeth!

When she gives him the details, you go along with him! She probably weirdly thinks she doesn't want the surprise spoilt for him even though other people have presumably been told times and location! Think what's best for him!

Does that mean he's OK with you not being invited, could you answer a bit more fully?

@Becwi - maybe the best thing to do is to message your BF's mum and ask her what time the two of you should arrive at the party?

The first thing I thought when I read your post about the girlfriend contacting you is that she is cautiously trying to open the topic with you.

I'd phone her back and explain that you don't actually know anything.

Then I would message mil and say "So there is no further confusion, can you let me know if I'm invited to the party. If I am can you send me the details."

If nothing, I'd message two days later. "Ok I'm assuming I'm not invited to the party which is very confusing to me."

And I would go completely NC with her if not apology and explanation was forthcoming after that. And if that was awkward for boyfriend tough. If he expects you to put up with shitty treatment he's not the guy for you.

Now I'm going to give one other possible scenario. You said she's never organised anything for her son. I'm assuming this means children's parties. Perhaps she feels bad about this and wanted to plan this one however has no experience planning anything like this.

I have a family member like this and I can see this scenario unfolding around them; they would decide they want to organise something, not send the details out, not be able to fully organise it and get really angry and snappy when asked as they are overwhelmed. This person once said they were planning a big birthday for me. I kept wondering why they weren't asking me for a list of invitees. They just wanted to deliberate forever on what things might be fun to do. I kept saying will you just plan something, anything and tell me where to show up. There was nothing organised. She didn't phone a single venue or contact a single friend or family member. The week before I arranged a lunch out and she called me a control freak forever.

Is there anyway this could be the case?

Either way make one last attempt for clarification on whether you're invited.

Weirdest thing for me aside from the mum
organising her sons 40th is the fact OP calls him her boyfriend after being together for 3 years. You sound very young OP.

God I'm finding this too ... it's almost like it's not real as you're giving us nothing but one liners.

You've been with him 3 years and he won't tell you what his mother has said and he's letting her change the subject. Why is he being vague with you too?

I would be phoning her up and asking her or do what a pp said, text her to say neither of you have any info on the plans so you're going away for the weekend.

This is so strange. Whatever his mum has or hasn't done wrong, is not the issue. The issue is whether or not your boyfriend wants you to be at his birthday celebration. Or whether he would still attend if he knew you weren't invited.

Just ask him? It's highly unlikely he doesn't want you to go with him? That wouldn't make any sense.

If he doesn't want you to come, or doesn't care if you don't come, then he isn't a proper partner - I don't know what else to say.