Not invited to my boyfriends surprise birthday party

[Becwi]

My boyfriends 40th Birthday is coming up shortly.
I Had messaged his mum to see if she had organised something, however after not hearing back after a few days presumed she hadn’t. So I organised a surprise to do something and invite along lots of his friends, She messaged me back 2 weeks later and said yes, on the date I had planned too. I explained that because I hadn’t heard back I’d planned something.
Shes then rang my boyfriend shouting about it, not once confronted me about it.
I said don’t worry I’ll cancel what I’d planned to stop any drama and caused arguments with me and my boyfriend.
so fast forward 6 days before, I get a message from his friends girlfriend asking me what I’m wearing, what the plans are after his party. I know nothing about this party!
i haven’t mentioned it to my boyfriend because I don’t want to ruin his birthday, upset him or cause drama.
AIBU for being so annoyed and so upset about no invitation?

Never watched this. Not even once so I couldn’t say.

Go and have a wide search on Mumsnet and you might find what indeed an odd world we all are living in. You included. Doesn’t mean we all live the same…

Sorry this sounds upsetting for you.
Has it become clearer whether you were invited or she just didn't want you to come?
And has he told her whatever kind of party it is, that you should be there... it sort of still sounds like it hasn't been settled.
He seems to veer between saying he won't talk about something or wanting to shout down the phone at people. Either way, he doesn't sound like a great communicator. Because the issue of whether you go to his birthday party or not shouldn't have blown into such an issue if you'd felt able to tell him and he was able to talk about it without shutting down the discussion (not your fault btw) Maybe his mum is the same and doesn't realise how awkward she's making things? (I'm being generous, but it's a possibility perhaps)

Okay I haven't read the whole thread, but part of me is thinking: what about the party guy? Seems like he is caught in the middle of all this and is set to have a pretty miserable birthday, whoever he spends it with!

Everything? What else is there? He knows: that his mum called him shouting because you tried to organise something. He knows you don’t know when it is because you asked him. What else is there to tell him? Does he also think 1+1=7 ?

He doesn't know his mum has been deliberately blanking her and refusing to communicate with her giving her the impression she isn't invited/welcome

I would be unimpressed too if this was my mother (who forgets my birthday tbh)

I think he did but he shut the truth out. All he had to do was casually ask oh what did mum say when you asked her? Like normal people….

This is the point at which you two book to go away somewhere lovely together, and arrange a knees up with all your mates when you get back. Bollocks to his mother, she’s being a cow.

OK, long shot.... You say that prior to this you had a really good relationship with your BF mum. Could she have organised something for the two of you? A weekend away or something that she is also trying to keep from you?

Could the 'party' be a red herring?

Good. Well done for telling him. Hopefully he will make the decision to take you out for the day instead of whatever his Mum planned.

All sounds bizarre. I hope it gets sorted.

As a MIL i cannot imagine arranging a party for my 40 year old son or daughter 🤦‍♀️

Wow. She sounds crazy.

I think I would have just asked the friend's gf for the details and turned up.

This is really bad form on the part of the future MIL.

A close friend of mine was having a baby with her DH. The MIL arranged a "baby shower" without my friend. She turned up anyway and the MIL had covered the whole living room with photos of her son, as a baby.

This future MIL sounds related.

Don’t know how anyone is jumping to give advice on such an incredibly vague op. We are hardly getting one sentence answers, never mind proper explanations of what’s happening. Why’s the mil just ignoring her when they have a positive relationship? What’s the general context of all relationships? We are getting nothing to go off of here.

If that was the case she could respond to OP about the party which is the "red herring" rather than ignore her repeatedly, get upset when OP was trying to plan something else etc.

That's the maddest MIL award right there. 😳

Can’t understand so much drama over a 40th.

Everyone here is being unreasonable here IMO - and your DBF set the tone by asking for a surprise birthday in the first place.

I would have just gone to the birthday that she already said she would host and not started making other plans. It’s obvious you are going to be there, goes without saying given the occasion and you are his partner of 3 years.

Stop bombarding her with messages and calls when it’s clear she doesn’t want to communicate, for whatever reason.

I don’t think it was helpful to add fuel by riling your DBF up about his DM but at least you are now trying to smooth things over.

This is my theory. She hadn’t planned anything for him. Not a party, not a gift. She literally stole the idea from you and is doing a half-arsed version of the same thing. She doesn’t want to look bad, so can’t handle the thought of you being there. Tell BF you can reorganize party with his mates if he wants.

Your text was a prompt for MIL to organise something - so she did. I would have received your text as a reminder to do something..
You will not receive an invite because your MIL expects that you will be there along with boyfriend. Has he not shared the details with you?

Texting was your downfall.
You should have organised something yourselves.

You should always speak directly with others if their opinion really matters.

I actually feel sorry for your partner. He wanted a surprise for his 40th, which a lot of us would like. Instead his mother is being an ass and his girlfriend has embroiled him in her problems with his mother instead of sorting it out herself. Now he has no surprise just a war going on.
Could you just not have gone round to see his mother? Or carried on with your own plans. It all seems very childish.

I also agree with PP to cease the drama, and stop badgering your bf as well. Just turn up with him on the day and enjoy yourself. I am not a Daddy or Mummy's girl by any measure but if all of this were going on between my parent and bf, I would hope they can settle it between themselves and not ruin my birthday any further for me. In fact I'd probably want my whole birthday called off by now.

Agreed. Sandwiched between 2 sources of misery

Completely bizarre on so many levels. It’s great that he has supported you but very odd behaviour on the part of the mil particularly as this appears to have come from nowhere. What on earth did she think his reaction would be at a party without his significant other?!

She doesn’t like you very much does she!

Poor communication seems to be at the root of all of this. Mil said she was doing a party but then didn’t communicate what she was doing. OP then pissed mil off by organising her own. Poor guy who is stuck in the middle of this.