Not invited to my boyfriends surprise birthday party

[Becwi]

My boyfriends 40th Birthday is coming up shortly.
I Had messaged his mum to see if she had organised something, however after not hearing back after a few days presumed she hadn’t. So I organised a surprise to do something and invite along lots of his friends, She messaged me back 2 weeks later and said yes, on the date I had planned too. I explained that because I hadn’t heard back I’d planned something.
Shes then rang my boyfriend shouting about it, not once confronted me about it.
I said don’t worry I’ll cancel what I’d planned to stop any drama and caused arguments with me and my boyfriend.
so fast forward 6 days before, I get a message from his friends girlfriend asking me what I’m wearing, what the plans are after his party. I know nothing about this party!
i haven’t mentioned it to my boyfriend because I don’t want to ruin his birthday, upset him or cause drama.
AIBU for being so annoyed and so upset about no invitation?

You could text MiL and tell her seeing as you’d not heard anything you’ve booked a city break away and tell them the flight is the day before the birthday.. Essentially this is ruining your bf’s birthday - you need to go and knock on her door and get the details out of her and suggest to her to grow up as she is causing upset. I don’t know what happened with you trying to organise a party and that could have been seen as antagonistic but at this point, you need to not ruin the birthday

You think she can’t? I bet you she can and Son will « not want to upset her ». So she will indeed have to leave.

I don't understand this because if my mother in law arranges something with my husband she wouldn't invite me individually, she'd naturally assume my husband would tell me about it. Is that not normal?

Op, seriously.

I mean, you have got to wonder if you want to be part of this? Him not « succeeding » to get you invited to his birthday on the day that have to be free…no time no place…

He should have had the answer first time asked and as soon it was said you were kept in the dark. Why on earth is it still going on? And why are YOU doing anything at all?

advice: stop. Don’t call. Don’t text her anymore. And tell him you did. Book yourself for the day and do not go when you are told last minute. Let her have the day and him have his mum organised it. That is what they both want. Hence you are still out.

Also, leave him. Picture engagement drama, mariage drama, children drama…everytime she wants to do something basically.

Maybe it's a surprise for you too. I hope it turns out to be something nice and for a good reason.

That is a fair point… in a healthy relationship which ever way you look at it, the MIL shouldn’t feel threatened and the DIL shouldn’t feel excluded.

But to answer to you….if you were calling your MIL to know about it, would she cancel your call and not answer to your husband question/confirmation of you being able to come?

How is she planning on getting him to the surprise, surely she’ll be expecting you to help with that or turn up at the same time.

She only knows about it bc someone else told her! MIL did not invite her fgs

It doesn't seem like BF's mum pays her any attention, or consideration. I'm assuming she acts as if OP simply doesn't exist, so will deal with her son directly.

What u going to do?

I’ve decided to tell him everything. He’s gone mad, he’s not happy with his mum at all. I told him ringing her shouting down phone won’t do either of them any good.

My mistake. I thought the mother had given him details of the party.

Good to hear that he is team Becwi.

welll at least he’s got your back

Oh my, this isn't good 😕
Any more updates 🍿

You've made every effort to contact her. At the very least she is bloody rude
Your DP should tell her she either sorts this out or he is not attending. And you give up trying to contact her. It's become ridiculous now. You don't deserve this

This is bizarre. How is this man 40??

It sounds like a cross between mum not accepting OP as GF and competing with her.

This is a positive sign. Maybe it has taken him a while to process and realise what has been happening.
he doesn’t need to shout and scream down the phone but he does need to set boundaries regardless of how difficult he finds it to do this.
if the boundaries are broken then he needs to enforce consequences.
you also need to speak with him about what he would like to do as well as what you would like to do. The priority is your relationship and the fact that he should be able to choose what he wants for his birthday.

OP, what’s your explanation of her odd behaviour? What do you think is really going on?

What an odd world you live in. Life isn't like EastEnders, you know.

She doesn't need to do this, her issue is with her BF not his mother. He is making it very clear that he is prioritizing not upsetting his mother over standing up for his GF.

Edit: I see OPs update that she has told him everything and he's upset so it looks like he is supporting her.

I still maintain that OP doesn't need to engage into any back and forth texting with MIL, let him handle it and if she continues to exclude OP I will expect her BF to refuse to attend the party.

Far too normal to provide entertainment for the masses here, unfortunately.

I’d end the relationship.

They both sound crazy. (Your boyf and his mother).

Your partner needs to grow a pair sounds like he loves the drama! Unless there's a massive back story after 3 years it sounds like mummy isn't ready to give up her golden boy. I'd be raging and offended and so would my partner!