Not invited to my boyfriends surprise birthday party

[Becwi]

My boyfriends 40th Birthday is coming up shortly.
I Had messaged his mum to see if she had organised something, however after not hearing back after a few days presumed she hadn’t. So I organised a surprise to do something and invite along lots of his friends, She messaged me back 2 weeks later and said yes, on the date I had planned too. I explained that because I hadn’t heard back I’d planned something.
Shes then rang my boyfriend shouting about it, not once confronted me about it.
I said don’t worry I’ll cancel what I’d planned to stop any drama and caused arguments with me and my boyfriend.
so fast forward 6 days before, I get a message from his friends girlfriend asking me what I’m wearing, what the plans are after his party. I know nothing about this party!
i haven’t mentioned it to my boyfriend because I don’t want to ruin his birthday, upset him or cause drama.
AIBU for being so annoyed and so upset about no invitation?

Tell your boyfriend she is doing this and see what he says.

This.

And if he plans on going to this 'surprise' do without you, I'd be kicking him to the kerb. Seriously. He should have sorted this all out by now, that he hasn't speaks volumes.

But how will he know what to do and where to go for this surprise party? 🤔 something doesn't make sense here.

I presume they'll tell him on the day, which they both know to keep free. And then they can both go. Why does she need to know any more than that?

So why don't you just ask the friend's girlfriend for the details? This is all so ridiculous.

Actually your bf sounds almost as bad as his mother. If he goes to this birthday surprise and you're not in attendance - despite you having told him multiple times you're excluded and him not wanting to talk about it - then I'd seriously reconsider the relationship, as he's not having your back in this situation.

I'm slightly baffled. Just act like one unit with your bf, show up with him where and when he is told he is supposed to. Wouldn't that be absolutely natural?

He had already asked for something to be planned for him as a surprise.

He specifically asked his mum to plan something for his fortieth, rather than asking you or saying in general that he'd like it?

Like a PP, I assumed he lived with his mum. Otherwise, I guess if they are very close it's maybe not all that weird that she'd host his party, especially if it mainly involves family and if she has the space and you don't. But she obviously needs to invite his girlfriend (you), and to communicate a lot better; planning a surprise party is hard work, no slacking!!

It doesn't sound like this is going to be much of a surprise, with all the shouting and all. Is she normally horrible/horrible to you?

This woman is deliberately being difficult.
You either just go too, or veto, & tell him his mother is deliberately snobbing you, & there is no way you are going to be able to go now.
So happy 40th, have a nice evening.

Then go completely no contact with her

Don’t call his mum again, her actions are telling exactly what she thinks about you. This situation has the potential to end your relationship, if I were you I’d let my bf go and celebrate his birthday with his family.

Dont argue about it, just let it happen, then sit back and see how his mother handles your non attendance and how your other half responds.

As I said in my last post you need to stop chasing her and let it be. This is a test for your bf and he seems to be staying silent and begrudgingly prioritizing his mother over you.

Are you sure that she’s not telling you so that it’s a surprise for both of you? If it was my dh id turn up with him.

It's a surprise party so her BF doesn't have the details so how is she supposed to attend?

And even if it was assumed that she will attend why is MIsl ignoring her after throwing a tantrum with her son?

I would just join him for the party. And if MIL said anything to me at the party I would tell her son and I have been together for 3 years so of course I am in the party.

Meanwhile you are kept in suspense waiting to see if you are included or not because no one has the manners to tell you whether you are invited or not..

PPs have said you should just assume you are, but I don't think you can with all this going on.

Its a really stupid game the MIL is playing and your partner refuses to discuss it?

I don't know how far away this birthday is, and how long the pair of them expect to keep you in the dark and on tenterhooks, but there should be a moment of enough is enough

Fuck the mother’s surprise,you and him go and do something.

I second that.

Run away from this family!

Don’t bother chasing her, just tag along with your BF of the day, she can hardly kick you out.

Sounds like his mother is deliberately excluding you.

Dont bother with her childishness.

Let her do whatever and plan your own 40th surprise and don’t invite her

I'd keep quiet now and let it all play out. It might be that she is including you in the surprise bit? As in, she's expecting you to tag along with him and have the surprise as well? Perhaps that's wishful thinking, either way, sit back and try not to let it upset you. Life is too short to both allow something like this to upset you but also to be treated this way. So observe and then make decisions about how to handle the future based on what happens xxx

His mother is not your problem. You have not been invited to the party and are clearly not welcome and not involved. He either goes alone or he doesn’t go. I would be saying very very clearly that if he goes to a family organised 40th birthday party without you - your relationship is over. No ifs or buts.
The onus is on him to sort this out and if he prioritises this party over you - it is clear you should ltb. A decent man would have said to his mother ,at stage one, that this behaviour was unacceptable.

I'm hoping that's this a a surprise for both of you, and its all gone a bit pear shaped and she's panicking at what to do now you keep calling her. Bar that, she's totally batshit and very mean.
I'd have to know what's going on though... interrogate his friends maybe?

She has properly got the arse with you, OP.

I think you need to think very carefully how you proceed with this. Your DP sounds like a bit of a drip and unwilling to tell his mum to stop being such an arse and respond properly. I noticed that she’s never planned anything for him before, so there might well be deeper issues there, but I don’t think you’ll be able to count on him to stand up for you. I also think that if you tell him you’re not invited so you won’t be there, I think he’s likely to get annoyed with you for not just assuming you’ll be going with him, because it’s easier to get cross with you than falling out with his mum.

I think you’ve got three options here. You arrange to be with him on the day, dressed in your finest, so that you’re ready to go when he’s told to make his way to the party. You plaster on your biggest smile and you make out like you were number 1 on the guest list. Or, you keep totally quiet and say nothing to DP or his mum. She’ll either message you the details before the day, or she won’t. And if she doesn’t, then she can explain to him why she didn’t invite you. Or, you send her one last message, telling her that you understand that she’s angry with you, but that it is undeserved and you were just trying to do your best for her son, so would she please respond to you so that his birthday isn’t overshadowed by his mum and his girlfriend arguing with each other. If she doesn’t respond to that, then revert to option 1 or 2.

I have to say though, I wouldn’t be too impressed if his response to me was ‘I don’t want to talk about it’.

This is what I would do.
I wouldn't assume I needed a separate invite, details etc.

This weekend it is.
enough is enough of right now. He’s said wait give her a couple more days, nope.

So what are you going to do?