AIBU to have cancelled DD having friends over?

[BlackBean2023]

DD has just turned 17 and after 4 years of being a lovely teen the last few months I’ve had all the teenage years at once - she’s been downright rude to me (only me, she’s lovely to DH) - talks to me like I’m a piece of dirt, is dismissive and nasty to her little sister (9) and hasn’t been pleasant to be around lately. She’s got lazy around the house and spends most of the day applying and reapplying make up - but doesn’t actually go out much. She works and gets paid about £80 a week but we pay everything - driving lessons, phone, food so it’s her money for going out/clothes. We don’t charge any housekeeping.

I’ve put it down to exam stress, hormones, any other excuse but the last week there’s been no excuse. Today shes supposed to have a group of friends staying over (I’m expected to cater or at least pay for it!) but she’s been particularly rude to me so I’ve told her to cancel it - it’s my house and I’m not prepared to be treated like shit all day when she wants actually something! We’ve now had tears and profuse apologies (plus her coming up with shit excuses for her rudeness..)

DH thinks I’m being unreasonable to the other kids who have made plans. AIBU to not care and put my foot down!?

(pops on tin hat just in case)

You’ve done the right thing. Why should you be her emotional punchbag?

Yanbu

I think you’re right. My DD tried it when she was 16, I gave her short shrift. She’s 20 now and lovely to me.

You have done the right thing, the longer you allow the rude to go on the worse it will get.

Stick to your guns. She needs to learn.

I have a theory that you have to lose your shit once in a blue moon with teenagers. You’ve done it. Don’t back down. DH can host/ sort out food etc. go out to cinema/
a friends and prep DH that you’ll expect a fulsome apology from Dd tomorrow.

Yanbu, but I wouldn't approach it like that personally.

Ooh tricky

Usually I try not to do consequences that affect other kids too, as it’s tough on them.

Although I guess at 17 they can probably organise themselves to meet up without DD so it’s not like a 5 year old left sitting at home.

I agree there should be a consequence no doubt.

I’m on the fence - did she get a warning? That’s a very harsh punishment. Is there any alternative, but still serious, punishment that doesn’t let down other people ? I’m just mindful of the other friends.

(not the point - but would people ever seriously consider charging a 17 yo housekeeping??!! My grandmother had to hand over some of her wages at that age to her parents, but WW2 was raging)

This is backing down surely if the friends still get to come over? I’m sure DD won’t care which parent hosts.

Yanbu, she doesn't get to treat you like crap and then throw a party in your house.

I don't have teens so I might be completely off here, but I would worry that if the gathering still went ahead but DH hosted it, that it would paint a picture of 'horrible mum and perfect dad'? If I'm understanding your post correctly.

I'd lean towards either following through completely or have this as the last chance of her being allowed what she wants with firm rules if the poor behaviour continues. But I'm in the young years atm and do not have teens!

Yanbu

These are 17/18 year olds so if their parents have plans then they can still go out without childcare issues.

Stick to your guns, yeah it might be exam stress and hormones but you are doing the right thing to check her behaviour into line.

Stick to your guns. Don’t be a pushover.
also, she won’t be like this forever I promise 💐

Yanbu

I completely agree with you. She's far too old to be behaving like that and the sooner she suffers the consequences, the sooner she will think about changing her actions.

Entitlement and rudeness are two of the worst traits a person can have and they absolutely need to be stamped out.

Well done OP 👏 Don't back down or she'll know you're a soft touch.

She has 6 weeks ish until the summer holidays so should be trying to be more pleasant in the hope that she can invite her mates over.

I'd have done exactly the same. At 17, she's not a little child, with limited understanding. She's very nearly an adult, and needs to understand that there are consequences to rude, obnoxious behaviour - even at 17! It's a lesson learnt for her, don't speak/treat people like shit, and expect them to roll over and take it. If there's a specific issue then she needs to speak to you in a calm, respectful manner. It won't do her any harm and may be she'll rethink her attitude. I'm sure if the shoe were on the other foot, and it was your husband being treated like shit, your husband would be of the same opinion as you!

Your DH needs to back you up.

Your DD needs to learn to treat people with respect.

Perhaps the facts she is so upset could be the turning point? Or is it just tears to get what she wants?

Is there any way to compromise? E.g. you'll let it go ahead, but if there is any more rudeness then her phone is cancelled and there will be no more driving lessons?

Good on you, well done.

This OP.

I’m on the fence - did she get a warning?

She's 17, not four! A 17yo shouldn't need to be told that rudeness, to anyone, is unacceptable.

i would not do this
I think it is too big a punishment
And it sounds like this is a reaction to all she has been doing recently
Better to address things as they arise
But I would say she was in last chance saloon ,if this happens again you will follow through
Am not sure why you mention that you pay for her food, I think that is fairly standard as she is still at school