AIBU to have cancelled DD having friends over?

[BlackBean2023]

DD has just turned 17 and after 4 years of being a lovely teen the last few months I’ve had all the teenage years at once - she’s been downright rude to me (only me, she’s lovely to DH) - talks to me like I’m a piece of dirt, is dismissive and nasty to her little sister (9) and hasn’t been pleasant to be around lately. She’s got lazy around the house and spends most of the day applying and reapplying make up - but doesn’t actually go out much. She works and gets paid about £80 a week but we pay everything - driving lessons, phone, food so it’s her money for going out/clothes. We don’t charge any housekeeping.

I’ve put it down to exam stress, hormones, any other excuse but the last week there’s been no excuse. Today shes supposed to have a group of friends staying over (I’m expected to cater or at least pay for it!) but she’s been particularly rude to me so I’ve told her to cancel it - it’s my house and I’m not prepared to be treated like shit all day when she wants actually something! We’ve now had tears and profuse apologies (plus her coming up with shit excuses for her rudeness..)

DH thinks I’m being unreasonable to the other kids who have made plans. AIBU to not care and put my foot down!?

(pops on tin hat just in case)

Stick to your guns. I don't know why pp are wringing hands about the other kids' plans, they're 17 they'll sort themselves out.

Going against everyone else here but as she's apologised I'd let her friends come round but tell her that you and her are sitting down tomorrow and there are new ground rules being set, she should also contribute to the food for the evening and she should prepare it.

My eldest is only 12 so those years are ahead but I hope mine has a job and is learning to drive at 17, she sounds responsible but emotional.

I do agree that you need to put your foot down but I don't think I'd cancel a group of friends at short notice, I'd pick a different hill to die on.

You’re 100% right. My DD is 17 and not a chance i’d tolerate any of that. If she cannot respect you then i’d be doing the bare minimum for her. I am a very laid back parent but draw the line at disrespect, rudeness, no way i’d be spoken to like that in my own home. Your DH should be stepping up and holding firm that this behaviour won’t be tolerated. Why are you paying for everything when she’s earning a decent amount for a teen?

Keep it cancelled

Cancel the driving lessons / Paying for phone or internet or anything like that
If she wants to use the wifi at home, she has to learn respect. She’s 17. Not a baby

@Wildywondrous all that'd teach her is that she can do what she likes then if she says the right things she'll get out of any consequences to her actions.

Good for you.

I don’t like these kind of punishments for younger kids, but it’s not like the other parents are relying on you for childcare!

And a 17 year old shouldn’t need a warning that if you behave like a bitch people don’t want to do favours for you, I’d expect my ten year old to know that.

Yanbu. Stick to your guns.

YANBU - hopefully if you follow through with it on this occasion it will give her pause for thought about her behavior going forwards.

YANBU, at that age she should understand consequences for rude behaviour. Stick to your guns

@WildflowerConstellations I understand that, it's the same at any age but apologies shouldn't count for nothing and as op said she's had exams and hormones to deal with.
At 17 it was always my Mum who copped for it from me, no punishments could have changed how I felt, I was miserable at times and couldn't help it and lashed out at the one person who was closest to me.

I think there should be consequences for her behaviour but I wouldn't be cancelling her friends.

@BlackBean2023 yes stick to your guns. The fact that her friends will lose out is hardly much of a problem. They were only expected to stay over it’s not like they were going to an actual party or overnight city stay somewhere so they’ll hardly be out of pocket or denied a unique experience that can’t easily be rearranged. If anything it’s a good thing as she’ll say how her actions have a ripple effect consequence as in it spread to her friends beyond yourself and herself. So the reprimand will be more impactful. There’s no point in postponing the punishment for a time when it’s impact is less strong and so the message possibly doesn’t get through so well.

Good on you. Your DH should be backing you 100%

DH should back you up

She needs to suck it up the consequences. You aren’t her emotional punchbag and she has to understand that.

ideally you should have given her warnings but she pressed your buttons.

As there’s been an apology I’d be clear the behaviour isn’t to happen ever again but allow the friends over (mostly because I want my 17 yo to choose to hang out here because then at least I know where she is - so it’s not just for her benefit). A conversation about her behaviour happening again will have more serious consequences - phone no longer paid for or something similar.

i have a 17yo and she tried the nonsense about a year ago. I said “er no, that’s not how I’m being spoken to! Come and speak to me when you can do it nicely.”

Where is your DH in all this when she's being cheeky and rude? I hope he's calling her out for shitty behaviour too and not leaving it all on you.

I think this is quite a harsh punishment, so I would have gone for something a bit less drastic personally. Unless you've tried softer punishments and they have been ineffective?

YANBU.

At 17 warnings/smaller punishments don’t seem necessary or appropriate.

What if DD spoke to her Mum in that horrible way in front of her friends?
I wouldn't risk it because there would be no way back from that.

She’s grovelling and apologising because of the consequences. Bet if there was no sleepover planned it would have been a different response.

next time she might think twice.

apologies must be made and can be accepted by it doesn’t reverse the decision.

she will be driving it all in your house the second you do that….

I don’t think yabu but the fact you mention that you buy her food and don’t charge housekeeping makes me suspicious we aren’t getting the whole story here.

I think you're not being unreasonable. She's old enough to know how to treat people properly. It might be worth having a conversation as to what's going on if this is fairly recent.

Having said that don't back down. She won't do it again when she finds out that the mouse has teeth (or something like that)

Good for you.
If DH wants ger to have It, he caters etc and you go to a hotel.

And from now on you do nothing but basics for her. DH can do it all

Your dd sounds anxious actually. She spends all day hauled in her room trying to get her makeup perfect by the sound of it. She’s mean to her mum, who is probably the one she’s most connected to so the safest person to be unkind to and mean to her little sister, who’s an easy target. She doesn’t go out much so is connected over the internet rather than irl with friends. The one time she has to have friends over, you cancel. She’s going through exams so extremely stressed even if this week she has a week off the exams, she’s still got revision and more coming up.

Yes, on the surface I can see why you’ve cancelled. But I hard disagree that this is a solution to what looks like a bigger issue.

I also don’t understand your comments about money, house keeping, food etc and would also ask you to think about talking about money in this way. My dd and her friend are year 12, I think yours is year 13 and they are very anxious about money, which has to be discussed in a really boundaries way around budgeting rather than any implied ‘threat’ that money may not always be readily available. It’s illogical really as both come from privileged backgrounds, especially dd’s friend, whose parents are multimillionaires. Idk if it’s this generation or their age.

I would do what you have done.
Tell dh he needs to back you up. Just like when she was 3. Sod her friends. They will all get over it.

I think it’s the nuclear option. Presumably she has been repeatedly told off until now so this is not out of the blue as a punishment.