AIBU to have cancelled DD having friends over?

[BlackBean2023]

DD has just turned 17 and after 4 years of being a lovely teen the last few months I’ve had all the teenage years at once - she’s been downright rude to me (only me, she’s lovely to DH) - talks to me like I’m a piece of dirt, is dismissive and nasty to her little sister (9) and hasn’t been pleasant to be around lately. She’s got lazy around the house and spends most of the day applying and reapplying make up - but doesn’t actually go out much. She works and gets paid about £80 a week but we pay everything - driving lessons, phone, food so it’s her money for going out/clothes. We don’t charge any housekeeping.

I’ve put it down to exam stress, hormones, any other excuse but the last week there’s been no excuse. Today shes supposed to have a group of friends staying over (I’m expected to cater or at least pay for it!) but she’s been particularly rude to me so I’ve told her to cancel it - it’s my house and I’m not prepared to be treated like shit all day when she wants actually something! We’ve now had tears and profuse apologies (plus her coming up with shit excuses for her rudeness..)

DH thinks I’m being unreasonable to the other kids who have made plans. AIBU to not care and put my foot down!?

(pops on tin hat just in case)

Good for you - now every time she’s rude etc withdraw a privilege eg driving lessons, friends over etc etc. Don’t put up with it!

Tricky one-first thought is that yes absolutely cancel.
second thought is for DH to sort out the food (and any mess) with DD
third thought is DD pays for food out of her money and sorts her own mess out.
if you choose 2 or 3, either way you’re not sorting food and mess!
Going forward she can pay a small amount for housekeeping or at least pay for her own phone.

Driving lessons are not always a privilege. I hated mine and never wanted to learn to drive, if my parents had withdrawn them I'd have been delighted.

She'd belittle you in front of her friends.
I think she would see it as a golden opportunity to do so. She sounds very spoilt by what you have given her.

I empathise as my teen DD is awful to us.
I think in that scenario, as your DD has apologised profusely, I would let the sleepover happen, ON THE UNDERSTANDING that this is a last-chance thing, if it were to happen again the consequences would ensue. But I’m a shit parent so I’m probably wrong!

But also - housekeeping charges for a 17yo, I’ve never heard of such a thing!

Maybe not housekeeping but she could pay for her own phone

Agreed. My DC are learning to budget and handle money by paying a monthly phone bill and being responsible for any extras, like fast food with friends, etc. I also run a monthly clothing budget, which means they have to prioritise what they’ll need, and whether those expensive trainers are worth saving up for. Plenty of ways to teach school-age DC to budget without charging them rent. I don’t have any friends who charge rent to minors.

Teenagers are obsessed with how they look, they are moody and maybe not that self confident but you can't accept bad behaviour because you want them to feel happy at all times! She's nearly an adult and I had a mortgage at 18, she needs to learn how she can and can't talk to people!

The trouble with this thread is that you can see the issue we have today, the OP is doing the right thing by insisting that her near adult should treat other adults with respect and giving her consequences to her actions and those condeming her because they believe kids should never be made to feel upset and thus never feel any deterrent to behaving as badly as they like!
It's the summer holidays soon and no doubt once they are here, the community pages in my area will be full of people begging parents to control their kids vandalism and trespass! We've got to that because people are afraid to upset their own kids!

I think people are saying the consequence should not be binning the friends meet up but something else instead.

Stand your ground. It might deter her from being so rude to you next time. Good luck.

Don't back down and don't let DH host. Otherwise you are teaching her there are no consequences for shitty behaviour. A line has to be drawn.

I'm just wondering why your daughter is like this to you. Everyone says "that's just how teens are" but it isn't. People just say that as excuse, when really their teens treat them like shit because they treat their teens like shit first.

I mean, I’d like to say it’s because she knows I love her unconditionally and she doesn’t need to mask whatever frustration is in her head but OK…

I have a 17 year old DS and have similar challenges to yourself. My mantra to my son is treat people how you want to be treated. I’m hoping one day it will eventually sink in.