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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have cancelled DD having friends over?

115 replies

BlackBean2023 · 27/05/2025 18:11

DD has just turned 17 and after 4 years of being a lovely teen the last few months I’ve had all the teenage years at once - she’s been downright rude to me (only me, she’s lovely to DH) - talks to me like I’m a piece of dirt, is dismissive and nasty to her little sister (9) and hasn’t been pleasant to be around lately. She’s got lazy around the house and spends most of the day applying and reapplying make up - but doesn’t actually go out much. She works and gets paid about £80 a week but we pay everything - driving lessons, phone, food so it’s her money for going out/clothes. We don’t charge any housekeeping.

I’ve put it down to exam stress, hormones, any other excuse but the last week there’s been no excuse. Today shes supposed to have a group of friends staying over (I’m expected to cater or at least pay for it!) but she’s been particularly rude to me so I’ve told her to cancel it - it’s my house and I’m not prepared to be treated like shit all day when she wants actually something! We’ve now had tears and profuse apologies (plus her coming up with shit excuses for her rudeness..)

DH thinks I’m being unreasonable to the other kids who have made plans. AIBU to not care and put my foot down!?

(pops on tin hat just in case)

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 27/05/2025 19:26

I can see why people are saying YANBU

I’m not sure if it’s the punishment I’d have chosen though, as it’s one that affects others too, and is quite a huge thing to jump straight to.

I might have said, you have to cater your own sleepover instead, or removed one of the things you pay for.

However I’m pretty sure this will be effective so maybe it was the right choice!

(I do have a 16 yo DD but so far we haven’t had this so I don’t know exactly how I’d react.)

skinnyoptionsonly · 27/05/2025 19:28

The money thing is not related

facts are rudeness has consequences. She’s recently pushing boundaries so she needs to understand respect.
she won’t learn that if op capitulates

Sandy792 · 27/05/2025 19:30

I think this was a bad idea, if you're trying to encourage good, kind behaviour this is going to do the exact opposite. Bitterness and resentment is all that will come from this.

Have you wondered why she's suddenly obsessed with her looks and make up? What's happened there? Why she's hardly going out? If she's struggling with friendships then you've really put the nail in her coffin.

Poor kids she's obviously really unhappy and struggling and you think the answer is this.

I'm not saying there shouldn't be consequences - doing her own washing or things that will make her more independent. No making her hugely unpopular with her friends because they've all been binned off.

Lifeisinteresting · 27/05/2025 19:30

@BlackBean2023 you’ve done the right thing.

IButtleSir · 27/05/2025 19:33

YANBU at all. 17 is far too old to be pulling that shit. This is a great time for her to start doing her own laundry and paying for her own driving lessons.

whistlesandbells · 27/05/2025 19:36

Your DH should back you up.

Cancel it once and you’ll see a change.

Too much to lose now by backing down, you will have shown her you are a walkover and she can come between you and your DH.

prelovedusername · 27/05/2025 19:37

Sandy792 · 27/05/2025 19:30

I think this was a bad idea, if you're trying to encourage good, kind behaviour this is going to do the exact opposite. Bitterness and resentment is all that will come from this.

Have you wondered why she's suddenly obsessed with her looks and make up? What's happened there? Why she's hardly going out? If she's struggling with friendships then you've really put the nail in her coffin.

Poor kids she's obviously really unhappy and struggling and you think the answer is this.

I'm not saying there shouldn't be consequences - doing her own washing or things that will make her more independent. No making her hugely unpopular with her friends because they've all been binned off.

Edited

This. I don’t blame you at all OP but I would have backed down after the apology as long as there was a full discussion about her behaviour once the friends had gone home.

Daleksatemyshed · 27/05/2025 19:43

She's rude to you but still fine with her DF -is that because he's the pushover who'd let her have her own way Op?

kalokagathos · 27/05/2025 19:43

Cancel it

scotstars · 27/05/2025 19:56

YANBU and if you change your mind her behaviour will continue

ThejoyofNC · 27/05/2025 20:03

The amount of people who would have let her keep the sleepover after her "apology" isn't surprising given the poor behaviour from so many kids/teens these days.

It's not a genuine apology, she's just begging not to face the consequences of her actions. This wasn't a one off loss of temper, OP said this has been an ongoing problem. The fact she's perfectly capable of talking respectfully to her dad shows that it's pure nastiness and spite and absolutely needs to be punished accordingly.

IberianBlackout · 27/05/2025 20:06

YANBU. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.

My DD went through a phase that she only wanted friends around if I wasn’t here and I was just ???? What am I supposed to do, book a hotel? If she wants “privacy” she needs to pay for her own housing I suppose.

Thelostjewels · 27/05/2025 20:07

Unfortunately I don't think this will teach her anything. Be lucky it's only kicking in now.
I would graciously accept the apology however I would ask for extra help preparing and maybe 🤑 too contribute and a wee warning if she speaks to you like that again and there is a party,no party.

Its good she's wanted to do it' at your 🏠

Poppinjay · 27/05/2025 20:07

I can see why you wouldn't allow her to go ahead with the sleepover but there's no point in punishing behaviour you don't understand.

You need to make some time for her and try to work out what has triggered this behaviour. Just like toddlers, teenagers don't always understand what's happening in their own brains or know how to manage their emotions. It's your job to help her figure it out.

That doesn't mean you should tolerate the bad behaviour. Firm, clear, predictable boundaries are important, alongside reassurance that you still love her and support to help her work out what is happening and whether there's an unmet need of some sort.

harriethoyle · 27/05/2025 20:08

YANBU - it’ll be a salutory and important lesson that she’ll remember. Sounds like she’s got very complacent which is absolutely not on. Well done you.

IberianBlackout · 27/05/2025 20:08

@Sandy792 if she’s going to be bitter and resentful out of one cancelled sleepover that is only a consequence to her actions then OP has a much bigger problem in her hands.

GravyBoatWars · 27/05/2025 20:14

YANBU. This absolutely isn't going nuclear - cancelling one stayover with friends at 17 is not cruel to the friends or something that will have long-term repercussions for your DD and you haven't cancelled some big occasion or something she did a ton of work for, and her friends are perfectly capable of finding other plans without incurring any trauma. But I agree with some other posters that from the information you've given I'd say this hasn't been ideal as a larger pattern and moving forward I'd try to learn from it and make some changes.

It sounds like you've let things go on unchecked while you get more and more angry and it sort of hit a head. It's easy to let that happen, but it isn't ideal because the consequence feels unpredictable to your DC and you end up channeling feelings from other incidents into this one. Moving forward I would sit down with your DH and figure out some consistent expectations for your DD and consequences for not meeting them. She needs to have chores around the house (and consequences for not doing them unprompted), treat others with respect, and the spending you and DH do for her should be on a budget with her topping up with her earned money where she wants to.

GravyBoatWars · 27/05/2025 20:14

Also, accept her apology and tell her you appreciate that she's sorry and look forward to her doing better moving forward, but I strongly disagree with your DH and posters that say you should go back on the stated consequence. Apologies are not magic words, they don't just erase your actions or hurt feelings, especially when those have been part of a pattern of behavior. There are a lot of adults in this world who will say sorry and then when the person they hurt doesn't immediately stop being hurt/angry/unhappy and go back to acting like it never happened the offender launches straight into victim mode... we don't need more of this in the world. Apologies are an expression of regret and a promise to do better in the future, not a magical undo button.

Teenybub · 27/05/2025 20:20

I think you have done the right thing. Don’t back down, if DH tries I would be really annoyed, he isn’t the one being treated like crap. She’s old enough to understand the consequences and why she’s having to tell her friends they cannot come.

AllosaurusMum · 27/05/2025 20:28

I'm willing to bet her "behavior " is a direct result of the way you treat her. No decent parent thinks they're doing something extraordinary by feeding and housing their minor child. She's probably just starting to stand up to you. That why you're husband isn't on your side.

momtoboys · 27/05/2025 20:31

IMO you have made the right choice.

Gustavo77 · 27/05/2025 20:32

Of course you're being unreasonable! She's your child so it's her house too and it's your job to pay for things while she is still so young and earning next to nothing.

You decided to have a baby, that's a life long commitment, you can't just bail on her because you're having a bad day.

Teenybub · 27/05/2025 20:36

AllosaurusMum · 27/05/2025 20:28

I'm willing to bet her "behavior " is a direct result of the way you treat her. No decent parent thinks they're doing something extraordinary by feeding and housing their minor child. She's probably just starting to stand up to you. That why you're husband isn't on your side.

Have we read the same thing? OP hasn’t bragged that she feeds and houses her child, she’s pointed out that she has a job and therefore spending money whilst also getting her driving lessons/phone paid for. Doesn’t sound like she’s being unfairly treated to me.

Endofyear · 27/05/2025 20:37

Yes you've done the right thing. I was a pretty easygoing parent to my teens but the one thing I didn't stand for was rudeness and disrespectful behaviour. I didn't expect them to be grateful for everything that I did for them but I made it clear that I would quickly withdraw my labour if they were rude. At 17 your daughter is old enough to understand that she can't treat you this way. Hopefully this will give her a wake up call!

Endofyear · 27/05/2025 20:39

AllosaurusMum · 27/05/2025 20:28

I'm willing to bet her "behavior " is a direct result of the way you treat her. No decent parent thinks they're doing something extraordinary by feeding and housing their minor child. She's probably just starting to stand up to you. That why you're husband isn't on your side.

What utter nonsense! 🙄