AIBU to have cancelled DD having friends over?

[BlackBean2023]

DD has just turned 17 and after 4 years of being a lovely teen the last few months I’ve had all the teenage years at once - she’s been downright rude to me (only me, she’s lovely to DH) - talks to me like I’m a piece of dirt, is dismissive and nasty to her little sister (9) and hasn’t been pleasant to be around lately. She’s got lazy around the house and spends most of the day applying and reapplying make up - but doesn’t actually go out much. She works and gets paid about £80 a week but we pay everything - driving lessons, phone, food so it’s her money for going out/clothes. We don’t charge any housekeeping.

I’ve put it down to exam stress, hormones, any other excuse but the last week there’s been no excuse. Today shes supposed to have a group of friends staying over (I’m expected to cater or at least pay for it!) but she’s been particularly rude to me so I’ve told her to cancel it - it’s my house and I’m not prepared to be treated like shit all day when she wants actually something! We’ve now had tears and profuse apologies (plus her coming up with shit excuses for her rudeness..)

DH thinks I’m being unreasonable to the other kids who have made plans. AIBU to not care and put my foot down!?

(pops on tin hat just in case)

Not sure how everyone is having such definite opinions when you haven’t said what she said or did that was rude, nor how you’ve handled it before

Swiftie?!

She listed that they pay for her food and that they don't charge her housekeeping. She listed it alongside paying for her phone. Why would any parent even think it's worth mentioning that they feed and house their minor child. It's a huge red flag that OP listed that like she's doing something her daughter should be greatful for.

Not a swiftie, pretty sure she just wanted to be able to let them smoke inside - we live in a flat and I’m very strict about not wanting any smells in my house, cigarettes or otherwise.

This went on for months though, she was very relentless. Eventually gave up and has never had any sleepovers since, which makes me a little sad, but if she thought she was going to use our home as a stopover for her stoner friends that just won’t be happening.

I think she thought you @IberianBlackout
You play stupid games you win stupid prizes is a saying and also a Taylor Swift lyric.

YANBU about time she learned that she can’t treated you any way she feels like and still get to have her sleep over it’s called actions have consequences and those are never something that she will like but she will learn.

17 as in seventeen?
At 17 she should be preparing to leave home.
Instead she sounds like a little kid.
At 17 I was applying to different unis and working at my part-time job after school and I got along great with my parents.
Friends staying over ended years before.

My issues with my parents began and ended during middle school - around the ages of 12-13.
I never got an allowance, but we lived in a very small town and we never needed much money.

Your word is your bond: no means no.
Doesn’t it?

My mother took my entire wages at age 17, in the 80’s, I got £10 back which had to pay for bus fares, lunches, anything I wanted to buy.

I had a paper round when I was at school and I had to hand thet over too, it was about £2 each week.

Good on you, wish more parents would grow a spine like you!

When I was a similar age my friend and I were due to go and see our favourite band, she did something that upset her parents who were taking us there and they decided she was no longer allowed to go, which meant I couldn't either- I was absolutely distraught as I'd been looking forward to it for ages and hadn't done anything wrong myself! Never forgotten that even though they did back down eventually and we went to the gig!
I think as this involves her friends too you should give a little bit of leeway.

I agree that cancelling a significant event would be excessive and unfair to the friends. But that's not what happened here, and no one is going to be devastated to have one night of hanging out at the house moved to another friend's house or rescheduled.

Thanks all. She ended up going to a friends house instead but I didn’t back down and we didn’t host!

The money bit was irrelevant but I was probably projecting as when I was 17 I did pay housekeeping, I paid for my own driving lessons, top up for phone etc and there were times I felt resentful I wasn’t treated like an ‘equal adult’ at home - that’s not what happens here.

Absolutely not are you being unreasonable. Nor would I be swayed by the tears - give in and she'll see that turning on the waterworks will get her her own way. It's a case of 'You've treated me appallingly for X months and spoken to me as if I'm rubbish. If you think I'm paying for you to host all your little chums, you've got another think coming! In fact, the Bank of Mum is closed - and don't try the Bank of Dad either.'

Consequences, consequences ... she'll have to learn.

Sorry - just seen your update. Well done, you!

You’ve done the right thing. It’s unacceptable and husband should be supporting you. It’s not him that’s been abused; it’s you.

I would cancel it and say; when we have an improvement in your attitude she can rearrange it….. but with the caveat that it will be cancelled again if she carries on.

These type of situations have to come to a head, usually with an explosion and fall out to reestablish expectations. You've got to show you mean it for any improvements or it will continue. Xx

Same problem with my own 17yr old daughter. You've done the right thing because I've also done the same to mine. She soon learned.

YANBU. You shouldn't be treated like a doormat in your own home.

I wonder what happened a few months ago? IMO it’s very unusual for girls of that age to suddenly “teenage” so I would suspect something difficult has happened to her, or she has become anxious/depressed about something.

Also have you changed at all? My mum definitely blamed some of her menopause rages on my behaviour which was extremely mild.

I'd have let her have her friends over. You say she doesn't go out much and after always being a lovely teen has suddenly turned rude ? 17 is a bit late for it to be hormones, which says to me she is struggling for another reason. I'd be happy she was doing something with friends, that may well sort the emotional crap out

Yanbu. Shes almost an adult.
Her behaviour will impact your youngest and your relationship if you don’t stop her.
She sounds like a nightmare to be honest

This is MN so they'll tell you to kick her out of the house minimum, whilst saying they're children with their brains still developing until they're 25 in any other situation 🙄

This. I’m not sure that bragging that you don’t charge your underage child rent is a flex on your generosity. Charging rent to children in compulsory school is not acceptable in 2025 IMO.

Kids paying rent is teaching a valuable life lesson, imo.
OP was right to cancel the party. It wasn't a special birthday party, so I don't think OP was excessive.
A 17 year old definitely knows manners.

If a child is earning, they should contribute to the household pot. It can be only a minimal contribution but it can be a valuable lesson on growing up and budgeting.

It sounds like there are other sanctions you could have made - like stopping her driving lessons. I would have do that, not cancelled the friends. It affects other people and the chances are she and her friends will meet up somewhere else, maybe they will never come to yours as they think you are mean. And there is a lot to be said for hosting so you can meet the friends, see the dynamics, keep an eye on how your daughter behaves in the group. See any vulnerabilities, spot dodgy characters etc. She still needs to be parented and supported at 17. It's often hard work with teenagers but my advice is to always prioritise your relationship with her, accept that you can't always get what you want or deserve, and don't lock horns.