DH too strict with DC

[yestothat]

DH was at boarding school from the age of 7 and has awful parents, just for some backstory.

Overall he is a really loving and involved father and husband. He has never been aggressive or nasty but I do think he is unnecessarily strict and gets too involved sometimes.

He’s always working out our their ‘faults’ and trying to fix them. Things that I would think just aren’t a big deal.

recent examples-
4 year old is suddenly scared of spiders and cried yesterday when there was one in his bedroom.
Obviously I told tell him there’s nothing to be scared of and it won’t hurt him etc but that’s all I would do, as lots of people are scared of spiders and he’s only 4. Dh thinks it’s a major concern and we have to immediately sort it out, he’s spent all night researching cool spider facts that he can tell to ds, ordered him spider toy and a book about spiders.

6 year old isn’t very good at running, was one of the slowest as sports day and just obviously wasn’t doing it right. They’re good at lots of other things and I would have just told them that and that it doesn’t matter if they’re not the best runner. Dh has been teaching them, taking them on jogs, playing tag, looking at parks runs they can do.

10 can’t do her hair. She tries but it just always ends up looking terrible so we have to redo it. I think it’s just quicker and easier for me to do it and she will get it at some point. He finds her tutorials online and goes through them with her and will get her to have a go doing it every morning knowing it will have to be redone.

Toddler is a tiny bit of a picky eater, I’m not concerned, there’s lots of things they do like and they’re healthy. Dh again thinks it is a major problem and is right on it, researching techniques, getting them to try every possible food in existence, reinventing every food they don’t like. He has a notebook where he writes everything down that they have and haven’t eaten.

Every friendship problem, weakness, fear ect has to be solved. All things that I just don’t think I would worry about unless they were causing a proper problem but I can see he is just wanting to help them.

AIBU to think it’s too much? Or am I just not caring enough

Sounds like he is overcompensating for his parents' lack of involvement in his childhood! He also sounds like hard work!

You are not unreasonable to think this is cause for concern. That kind of perfectionism is very unhealthy for children. Children also need to learn how to handle failure, because that is where you learn the most. Endlessly drilling and rehearsing for 'life' isn't going to do them any good.

But you probably realise this stems from his upbringing, so you're going to have an uphill battle addressing it. I think you need to talk to him about it, acknowledging that it comes from a place of love but that you want your children to have more freedom to fail, to learn, to be scared and to overcome in their own time. I wish you the best of luck helping your husband realise this is a worthwhile thing for them - and for him, too.

I’m not reading anything from your post that suggests he’s too strict

How do the DC react to it? That would probably be my main indicator of whether or not it's a problem. In my opinion there's a mixed bag here - the food thing is probably a bit too intense and unnecessary, toddlers are fussy and making a big deal of it usually makes it worse. I think the spider thing is really sweet and thoughtful though - spiders are hard to avoid in everyday life and I always feel bad for adults who scream and cry at.the sight of one, it must be exhausting to be so afraid of a thing you encounter so often. I think it's really nice that he's trying to find a way to help DC move past their fear. He's doing it in an appropriate, child friendly way as well, not telling them to get over and be a big boy/girl or anything like that. It sounds to me like he's encouraging independence and resilience in the kids and if they're not upset about then it seems fine. If it does upset them then that's obviously different.

I suppose question back is which of his flaws is he working hard to eradicate, or does he think he is perfect? If he is setting himself the same standards at least he is being consistent

He was never parented; he probably had a lot of problems during his childhood with no parent around to help him solve it, even if it was just to say, “don’t worry; you don’t need to do anything.” He doesn’t know.
He wants to be present and probably thinks that means he has to do everything all the time whenever they have any issues, because he didn’t watch how parents choose their battles. He needs to learn to choose the battles but I’d be careful how to talk to him about it as what he’s doing is coming from a good place.

He sounds bloody exhausting, but also a loving and very devoted dad.

Does he himself excel at all he does? If he’s been conditioned in childhood to ‘be the best’ at everything he may be repeating this with his own children but it sounds like he’s a bit more caring about it? Does he resent his childhood?
I don’t think either of you are doing anything wrong, maybe just on different pages. If he’s going that deep with the toddlers eating though, it’s a bit OTT. Toddlers don’t know what they like/want. I’d suspect over time, the children as they become adults might avoid telling him anything so he doesn’t try to fix it? I think your approach is normal and his is a little overbearing but I reckon it’s down to how the kids are taking it whether it’s a problem or not?

He is in ‘perfectionist overcompensator’ mode. It’s a way of protecting himself from the vulnerabilities that his own children’s struggles/ phobias/ weaknesses are triggering from his own, poorly parented childhood.

i think he needs therapy to come to terms with his childhood (which sounds like there was emotional neglect there) and his feelings about his children.

btw - don’t diminish your 4yo’s fears. Validate them.

x

I’m sorry but I think he sounds brilliant. Would love my dh to have done research and been actively involved like this.

He sounds profoundly anxious and over compensating for the void he may have felt himself.

Of course there are many children that adored boarding school from age 7, I have just never met them.
It was a very challenging time for those I know.
Some dealt with it better than others.

I do know of those who enjoyed it from 13 on in my own family.

Would he consider some therapy?
Great to be so supportive but his need to perfect them could cause real issues for them later.

Despite my hiding my huge dislike of spiders two of my children are similar.
I was regularly called to move them on which was difficult.
I found spider catchers around our old house very handy.
My 23 year old is still iffy about them and calls me because I don't mind them!
He needs to try to learn that he cant fix everything.
He's a fixer dad.
He needs to learn to be a bit more accepting of them, while also being on hand to help.
Like a lot of parenting, it is a balancing act.

I guess I didn’t include examples of strictness.
day to day he is very strict on things like schoolwork, exercise, screen time, chores

He definitely sets higher standards for himself.

I’m not seeing strict here. I actually think you’re lucky to have someone who really gives a shit and is involved.

They don't react badly at the moment, he’s definitely deals with things by being fun and caring so mostly they enjoy it for now
but they’re all little, I cant see them enjoying so much when they’re teenagers

He sounds great. Nothing wrong with practicing stuff they aren't good at. Among other things, I used to practice the start for the sports day sprint races. Can beat half the field just by paying attention and going on the b of bang.

I agree. It’s also great that he comes up with creative ways to deal with the phobia of the young one and encourages the 10y old to at least try to do her hair-she’s old enough and if she isn’t trying she won’t learn

I’d let that happen by itself I think - when they get to an age where they’re telling him ‘no dad I don’t want to practise for sports day’, then how he handles that might be different.

Sure he sounds like a bit of a lot but none of it sounds really bad. I mean, must be annoying for you having him get out his toddler notebook but if it makes him happy and the kids aren’t disliking it then crack on I guess

Everything you've written sounds like a dedicated, involved parent. Tackling fears is the right thing to do. Teaching children how to do things themselves is the right thing to do. Teaching them to be active is great. And you say he's kind and caring. Perhaps trust his kind, caring self to back off a bit if they ask or if they need him to.

Anyone who thinks he is over compensating because he was at a boarding school is crazy! I think he sounds lovely and hugely HUGELY involved in wanting to better his childrens fears and encourage them to do better and push themselves. Majority of dads wouldn't give two hoots about any of this

He doesn’t sound strict, he sounds over invested. The spiders one is quite sweet, the running and the hair are ok as long as it’s done in fun , not linked to a failing and no pressure to achieve .

The food one he needs to be careful obsessing about food isn’t healthy and he doesn’t want to create issues further down the line.

I don’t think he sounds strict - but I do think, while it is good now , he’s showing an over the top level of concern to normal things. His input and the fact he cares are wonderful. But it’s not proportional to the situation.

I do think this could be a problem actually and that he’s anxious/overcompensating and it will eventually rub off on the DC and they may think anything that they can’t do perfectly is a problem and that they are not good enough as they are.

I think he should have some sort of therapy to be honest.

He sounds like a great dad. Teaching his kids problem solving and resilience rather than babying them.
I particularly like the spider one - nip fears in the bud before they develop.
The running one - great too. He isn't training them to be the next Usain Bolt, but getting them to enjoy running. Junior park run is popular and great fun.
And sorry but no way would I want a fussy child under my roof (assuming no SN apply). He is right to do whatever he can to sort that out.

Then I would leave it. In many ways he sounds like a very caring and involved dad, and making up for having parents who clearly weren’t.

Me neither. In fact I just read that he wants to help his kids as much as possible (so intention is good ) because maybe no one helped him.