DH too strict with DC

[yestothat]

DH was at boarding school from the age of 7 and has awful parents, just for some backstory.

Overall he is a really loving and involved father and husband. He has never been aggressive or nasty but I do think he is unnecessarily strict and gets too involved sometimes.

He’s always working out our their ‘faults’ and trying to fix them. Things that I would think just aren’t a big deal.

recent examples-
4 year old is suddenly scared of spiders and cried yesterday when there was one in his bedroom.
Obviously I told tell him there’s nothing to be scared of and it won’t hurt him etc but that’s all I would do, as lots of people are scared of spiders and he’s only 4. Dh thinks it’s a major concern and we have to immediately sort it out, he’s spent all night researching cool spider facts that he can tell to ds, ordered him spider toy and a book about spiders.

6 year old isn’t very good at running, was one of the slowest as sports day and just obviously wasn’t doing it right. They’re good at lots of other things and I would have just told them that and that it doesn’t matter if they’re not the best runner. Dh has been teaching them, taking them on jogs, playing tag, looking at parks runs they can do.

10 can’t do her hair. She tries but it just always ends up looking terrible so we have to redo it. I think it’s just quicker and easier for me to do it and she will get it at some point. He finds her tutorials online and goes through them with her and will get her to have a go doing it every morning knowing it will have to be redone.

Toddler is a tiny bit of a picky eater, I’m not concerned, there’s lots of things they do like and they’re healthy. Dh again thinks it is a major problem and is right on it, researching techniques, getting them to try every possible food in existence, reinventing every food they don’t like. He has a notebook where he writes everything down that they have and haven’t eaten.

Every friendship problem, weakness, fear ect has to be solved. All things that I just don’t think I would worry about unless they were causing a proper problem but I can see he is just wanting to help them.

AIBU to think it’s too much? Or am I just not caring enough

He’s has weekly therapy atm, and has tried all different types in the past.
the problems more likely to be that he’s had too much therapy rather than not enough

Or hasn’t found the right therapist.

Do any of them specialise in dysfunctional families ? Are they aware of how he is over compensating with his own children ?

If he isn’t aware of it himself then he won’t have thought to tell them.

I he sounds a loving and supportive parent BUT think the questions I would be asking is whether he offers his "support" as an option or whether he insists on it and what happens when the child doesn't want the support. I knew a parent who badlt mishandled their child's fear of spiders through insistence and the now adult child still hates spiders and resents the parent.

If the kids are happy I'd leave him to it.

I honestly think all of that is fine. It doesn’t sound like he’s berating them or pushing them, just trying to think of fun ways to help them with their issues. Many parents wouldn’t bother but I don’t think doing so is a problem. He does need to watch that, for example, your younger daughter may never get good or even ok at running despite his efforts and if it got to the point where he couldn’t accept that, or it stopped being fun for her, then you have a problem.

I think his attitude to the spider phobia is better than yours tbh. I have had a lifelong fear of spiders and think it’s great actually that he’s actively trying methods to get him over it now. Anxiety is insidious and grows (in itself and spreads onto other things) and it is so important to teach children strategies to manage their anxiety (telling them not to worry about does nothing ime). Strategies should be taught asap before it “sets” and becomes much much much harder to change. I would be incredibly supportive of his efforts there tbh.

Me neither

Sounds like he's over correcting for how he was raised. Some of the examples sound ok, like trying to help dc learn more about spiders in the hope that they'll view them as less scary. But I think things like trying to improve your child's running can have the opposite effect and create an insecurity where there needn't be one. It's a good lesson for children to accept they're not great at everything and that that ok.

The main problem with solving all their 'problems' and trying to be a 'fixer' is that he's robbing them of the chance to navigate a lot of stuff by themselves and that actually hinders independence. Listening and encouraging them to think of ways out of their (for example) friendship issues, is more useful than getting overly involved and instructing them on what to do.

I do sympathise with him though, if he was forced into independence and had to rely on only himself from a young age, I can see how he could swing too much the other way in a bid to 'break the cycle'. Over correcting is very common and often comes from having good intentions. If he has therapy, is there any opportunity for you to join some sessions to discuss it?

I relate to this so much. I was not parented properly and come from a very toxic manipulative family.

I can do those things with my son. Not the strictness, I am not strict on screen time, etc. But I go research lots of things passionately and will try help with all issues on that way.

I love that there's a dad here who actually knows enough about things in his kids lives to do this. The spider thing - I love that. That's a level of interest I never had.

The downside is that it's potentially crossing into controlling territory. Controlling this may help himself feel in control of a life he never did feel control over ( his own). It's also massive over compensation, exactly what I do.

Therapy would be essential imo for any poor souls subject to boarding school.

If he can't accept their refusal to take his advice and guidance as they get older - that's a big problem and could suffocate them.

I would look at the bigger battles - that being strictness and where they might feel like they're in bootcamp. Would he ever be open to a conversation abound therapy if you brought it up in a loving way? Not couples therapy, not CBT bullshit, but a proper exploration of how he has grown as an adult because of his experience as a child.

This actually sounds really sweet (and exhausting). He’s so worried about not knowing how to do things properly because he raised himself.

i think these are mostly lovely but appreciate I don’t know what it’s like to be there

(your daughter should definitely be doing her own hair though. It doesn’t need to be perfect but unless there’s something specifically challenging for her, she needs to figure it out.)

Oh and have a look online about phobias and anxiety. I haven’t had much success telling my daughter she shouldn’t worry about x y or z. That just means she is both worried and feels guilty about being worried. Worth possibly brainstorming some other ideas. I think I didn’t handle it particularly well when my daughter started to struggle with small things like this and it sometimes turned into something much more difficult.

I think he sounds lovely. He's trying to support them.

I think his way of helping with the fear of spiders is much better than just telling them it's nothing to be scared of (that's really dismissive and not helpful).

At 10, they should very much be able to do their own hair and he's trying to help her learn. I get that it's easier to just do it yourself but it's not actually teaching - she won't learn if you don't let her try.

Unless he's making the 6 year old run when they are really upset, it sounds like he wants to support them to improve because it is hard being last.

It really doesn't sound strict is sounds like he wants to help them, unless they don't want any help?

Depends how intense he is with it and how he copes when/if they don't go along with it. He sounds very involved and thoughtful on the face of it but it depends on his approach and if he can also relax at other times.

Re spiders - you might want to tell him my story.
i had a normal mild fear of spiders. Until a teacher decided to “help” us get over it by teaching us lots of spider facts. All this did was teach me that there were actually dangerous spiders out there. So it went from an irrational fear to a pretty full on phobia - totally unnecessarily as I live in the UK.

They might find him overwhelming and rebel against having to be good at everything. They might also be very self-motivated and keen to improve because they’ve had a message from their parent that they are capable, which isn’t the worst thing in the world. My DH was always told “it doesn’t matter,” and was never encouraged to improve on things he wasn’t good at and he resents it now and wishes he’d been “pushed” more. I’d say from this tiny snapshot that he sounds a bit too full on but you sound a bit too “oh well, it doesn’t matter,” so my hope would be that you’ll balance each other out perfectly for your kids!

I think you have to be blunt and tell him to back off, that it’s too much. It’s coming from the right place, but without his own experiences from/with his parents, he is struggling to know where to draw the line with encouragement or downplaying.

The carrot works better than the stick.
Yanbu. He will lose out on the close trusting secure bond with his children.

i think he sounds terrific.

To me it just seems like he cares a lot. He’s not forcing your children to do these things, is he? Or saying anything that might hurt their self esteem?

his heart is in the right place and btw being the worse runner is absolutely horrible, and yes, if a little 1-1 training helps long term it's 100% worth while.
you actually sound a bit wet lettuce, blithefully unaware that some things do need a tiny bit of tough love.

Does he get annoyed with you being more laid back? If not and the atmosphere is fun, I don't really see a problem. If he is researching how to deal with stuff eventually he will be researching how to deal with teenagers and his parenting style could well change with them as they age.

Your DH sounds like an involved and creative parent.

One thing I tell myself when my DH gets on my nerves with parenting, I remind myself I don’t have to agree with it all, as long as DC is safe and sound, he is allowed to approach parenting in his own style, same with me.

If the kids are taking to it fine then I don’t think there’s anything wrong with what he’s doing and with some things, like the spider phobia and the running, could be really beneficial.

The key will be how he responds when he isn’t successful or they start resisting. But it seems like he reads a lot and researches stuff so he’’ll probably handle that by researching and discovering that it’s normal and that it means he needs to back off a bit, praise them for their efforts and give them space to grow for themselves.

I don’t know, in some ways it just sounds like he is trying to help them, nothing wrong with teaching your child to run etc. He can’t fix everything for them, maybe gently say one time ‘you know it’s ok for them to be a slow runner, you don’t have to try and fix everything for them’. See how he responds. Has he had therapy re his childhood?

Have you spoken to him and highlighted that his inability to accept imperfection in his children is likely to cause them to grow up with feelings of insecurity? If so, what was his response?

Schoolwork, screen time, and chores, is great to have strict guidelines . Not so much the exercise, but anyway, he sounds much better than some of those deadbeats that don’t have any interest at all. If the kids are happy and don’t complain about him then leave him be .