DH too strict with DC

[yestothat]

DH was at boarding school from the age of 7 and has awful parents, just for some backstory.

Overall he is a really loving and involved father and husband. He has never been aggressive or nasty but I do think he is unnecessarily strict and gets too involved sometimes.

He’s always working out our their ‘faults’ and trying to fix them. Things that I would think just aren’t a big deal.

recent examples-
4 year old is suddenly scared of spiders and cried yesterday when there was one in his bedroom.
Obviously I told tell him there’s nothing to be scared of and it won’t hurt him etc but that’s all I would do, as lots of people are scared of spiders and he’s only 4. Dh thinks it’s a major concern and we have to immediately sort it out, he’s spent all night researching cool spider facts that he can tell to ds, ordered him spider toy and a book about spiders.

6 year old isn’t very good at running, was one of the slowest as sports day and just obviously wasn’t doing it right. They’re good at lots of other things and I would have just told them that and that it doesn’t matter if they’re not the best runner. Dh has been teaching them, taking them on jogs, playing tag, looking at parks runs they can do.

10 can’t do her hair. She tries but it just always ends up looking terrible so we have to redo it. I think it’s just quicker and easier for me to do it and she will get it at some point. He finds her tutorials online and goes through them with her and will get her to have a go doing it every morning knowing it will have to be redone.

Toddler is a tiny bit of a picky eater, I’m not concerned, there’s lots of things they do like and they’re healthy. Dh again thinks it is a major problem and is right on it, researching techniques, getting them to try every possible food in existence, reinventing every food they don’t like. He has a notebook where he writes everything down that they have and haven’t eaten.

Every friendship problem, weakness, fear ect has to be solved. All things that I just don’t think I would worry about unless they were causing a proper problem but I can see he is just wanting to help them.

AIBU to think it’s too much? Or am I just not caring enough

You make an excellent team, Op. He is the detailer, the problem solver, the researcher and you are the relax and you'll cope soon enough type.
Your children have a well balanced parenting structure.

Over time your kids will know clearly your personalities and take your differences in their stride.
Take pride in your DH's intent and dedication.

They don’t really, I guess occasionally they’re a bit ‘urgh dad is so annoying’ about it but mostly they enjoy his attention at the moment.

i can’t imagine him ever getting annoyed if they flat out said no, he would take things slower, try different ways and want to discuss it but I don’t think he would ever just drop it.
He would see them saying no and refusing to engage with an issue as a problem he needed to fix.

Disagree with posters suggesting that some of these parenting behaviours are good. He is seemingly seeking to act to try to ‘correct’ multiple, specific things in his DC that HE thinks are a problem. In ways that will be obvious to the DC, eg the running ‘failure’ followed by jogging practice example

It seems an ‘almond mom’ / tiger parent type dynamic. Giving rise to some risks to DC.

OP raising concerns about it suggests it goes well beyond ‘involved’ parenting.

For example, many DC (including teens) want to please their parents so may - on the surface - seem ‘happy’ and not ‘rebel’, whilst not feeling that way and experiencing messages like ‘my father thinks I am not good enough’.

What would your H do if you said you disagreed with some of his ‘interventions’ and / or rules?

He's a fixer and what he's compensating for is your lack of support for your kids working at improving skills. You sound like your parenting style is more laissez faire and you two have quite different parenting styles.

He's creative with solutions, he's supportive of improvements in skills like running and your teen learning to do her hair, and he's putting in time with them. He's not demanding perfection, he's showing them that putting in the time can improve their skill. That's very basic. The more they do something, the better they get at it. They are learning that from him.

I do support kids eating a variety of foods and many people do track food with a food diary.

I also approve of rules around things like chores, screen time, homework done, and having a basic level of activity. These are must dos except when they're sick.

Why are you anticipating difficulties? Is it that he's giving them a gentle, supportive push to be better rather than just accepting they're not good at something that they haven't really learned or practiced? Their dad loves them and spends time with them being supportive as well as having pretty normal expectations that they will do certain necessary things like schoolwork and chores.

"He would see them saying no and refusing to engage with an issue as a problem he needed to fix."

umm, to me that's a little bit of a red flag that you are saying that he could not just let the matter drop. To me that is actually refusing to allow someone else a choice.....Sometimes with children, some things ARE non negotiable....teeth cleaning, bedtime, that sort of stuff, and its worth using different strategies to get compliance without constant argument....but I think he might be taking it a bit too far? I mean how would you feel if he took that approach to you?

Tracking DCs’ food is not a good parenting behaviour.

’Training’ DC in a specific form of exercise of the parent’s choice, after DC don’t do well at it on one day, and having rules about daily exercise are not good parenting behaviours.

he’s definitely very healthy and concerned about health which maybe worries me a bit, but it isn’t yet causing problems.

Dc is only 18months so isn’t at all aware their food is being tracked.
he would do the same for our older kids if he thought it was necessary but he would have the sense to not let them know.

At least an hour of daily exercise (movement) unless they are ill or injured is a ‘rule’ but it doesn’t have to be one specific form. He thinks being able to run is an important life skill but wouldn’t be so concerned if they weren’t the best at hockey as long as they liked and were good at something else.

That’s an unusual rule on exercise IMO and smacks of ‘almond mom’ behaviour.

Ditto that level of concern for DCs’ ‘health’ and focus on ‘health measures’ for the family of his choosing.

And running isn’t a ‘life skill’ (I am a runner and encourage DC to try it!). If any exercise is a life skill it is swimming.

He sounds like a brilliant dad! I’d be a better adult today if I’d had a parent like him when I was a child.
He’s not telling them off or berating them, he’s teaching them how to overcome obstacles and help themselves rather than be passive and drift along.
Your mention of him being at boarding school and having awful parents is odd. It’s like you see your DH as being damaged and so you’re looking for flaws in his behaviour.

https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/exercise/physical-activity-guidelines-children-and-young-people/

An hour is about right.

I agree. I wish my DH had been as involved and helpful when my DC were growing up.

I guess that’s the issue, it’s definitely unusual as in not many families do it but I don’t know if it’s definitely ‘bad’

I think general research shows children need at least an hour of exercise a day anyway and they definitely still have treats. His concern is more that they also have proper healthy meals + things like enough fruit and vegetables as well.

I make sure my kids have moved around every day. They have a lot of clubs but on days they don't I make sure they go outside, we go for a walk, whatever. I am quite overweight and have a terrible relationship with food and am trying to break the cycle. My kids are also happier for it.

Those concerns about ‘doing what’s right’ are understandable, most of us try to do what’s recommended food and exercise wise for our DC.

But he has ‘rules’, focuses and acts on each DC’s specific ’flaws’, you have concerns about his parenting and he is resistant to listening to you or flexing his rules. Those things are unusual.

This is how I feel. My daughter is much like him and I admire her for it

If your h was a woman then people would label him as a tiger mum because he wants dc best at everything and is willing to put in the graft behind the scenes to make it happen. I don’t think it’s a boarding school thing tbh - are the children going to have the sort of lives where they are competing in private school exams, scholarships etc ? Do their weaknesses match his weaknesses? Yanbu to think that the kids will rebel one day and that you and your h are heading for a bad cop/good cop dynamic which is going to damage everyone.

he is very strict on things like schoolwork, exercise, screen time, chores That could be a boarding school thing as they have routines like strip your bed on a Saturday morning, make your bed every morning, schoolwork at xpm every day sort of thing . Being strict about screens is good for kids mental health- with a 10 year old in the house it sounds like you’re about to enter the world of social media etc

I think that modern parenting makes some people think that there is a solution for every problem. I don’t think that your h is unusual to look up how to deal with phobias in children. I’m like you and more chill but any chance that you and your h being opposites is what keeps you together?

I agree with this - and people need to remember the OP had to pick a few examples, if he's like this about everything, it leaves very little room for the child to work things out themselves.

If it were a boss at work, you'd call them a micromanager. Yes, kids need to learn things, but a six year old doesn't need to perfect their running, certainly not if they don't want to.

To a certain extent, we need to be able to choose our flaws. Not being allowed to just be bad at something is a red flag.

Are people meaning the dh is an almond dad? Or op is an almond mom?

It is not obsessing, it is not keeping tabs of every meal until they’re 20, it’s a list of a few dozens foods they wanted to expose their kid to after they started solids. Over a period of 1-3 months. Much easier to keep a checklist.
It is proper parenting.

And when OP starts a thread to get support into condemning her husband or you making a mountain of such basics, where is your middle ground?

My 5yr old does 6 hours a week of some sort of sport in addition to being out and about softplay etc. I’m a bit more lax on diet tbh, but it’s actually good for their mood to be moving and being out and about. I mainly make sure she does it for her mental health and she’s made new friends as well.

It’s OP’s H I’m suggesting shows behaviours of an ‘almond mom’. OP’s thread is about her (understandable IMO) concerns about his parenting.

Ok. I had to Google the expression. An almond dad then.

Think you're getting me confused with someone else, I've just said he's a bit weird with some of it and obsessive with the food journal, thats the middle ground.