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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH too strict with DC

119 replies

yestothat · 26/05/2025 21:15

DH was at boarding school from the age of 7 and has awful parents, just for some backstory.

Overall he is a really loving and involved father and husband. He has never been aggressive or nasty but I do think he is unnecessarily strict and gets too involved sometimes.

He’s always working out our their ‘faults’ and trying to fix them. Things that I would think just aren’t a big deal.

recent examples-
4 year old is suddenly scared of spiders and cried yesterday when there was one in his bedroom.
Obviously I told tell him there’s nothing to be scared of and it won’t hurt him etc but that’s all I would do, as lots of people are scared of spiders and he’s only 4. Dh thinks it’s a major concern and we have to immediately sort it out, he’s spent all night researching cool spider facts that he can tell to ds, ordered him spider toy and a book about spiders.

6 year old isn’t very good at running, was one of the slowest as sports day and just obviously wasn’t doing it right. They’re good at lots of other things and I would have just told them that and that it doesn’t matter if they’re not the best runner. Dh has been teaching them, taking them on jogs, playing tag, looking at parks runs they can do.

10 can’t do her hair. She tries but it just always ends up looking terrible so we have to redo it. I think it’s just quicker and easier for me to do it and she will get it at some point. He finds her tutorials online and goes through them with her and will get her to have a go doing it every morning knowing it will have to be redone.

Toddler is a tiny bit of a picky eater, I’m not concerned, there’s lots of things they do like and they’re healthy. Dh again thinks it is a major problem and is right on it, researching techniques, getting them to try every possible food in existence, reinventing every food they don’t like. He has a notebook where he writes everything down that they have and haven’t eaten.

Every friendship problem, weakness, fear ect has to be solved. All things that I just don’t think I would worry about unless they were causing a proper problem but I can see he is just wanting to help them.

AIBU to think it’s too much? Or am I just not caring enough

OP posts:
Sofiewoo · 27/05/2025 05:44

What on earth? I thought I was going to read a post about a stern disciplinarian. All these things sound like totally normal examples of a caring engaged parent.

LoztWorld · 27/05/2025 05:57

Wow sounds like one of the very best dads I’ve read about on here - or indeed encountered in real life!

User37482 · 27/05/2025 06:05

I think this is fine tbh, DH and I work on stuff with my DD, it’s not about perfection it’s about the confidence to know she can improve at something, she may never excel but she can get better. Your kids are lucky tbh. He’s not telling them they are shit and they have to do better, he’s actively engaged and doing stuff with them to build their confidence.

If you just say “oh well you aren’t good at this thing, don’t worry about it” they are less likely to be able to grow into resilient capable adults. Sounds pretty good to me tbh. I’m going to be brutally honest, he’s a good parent and I think you need to think about what you perceive as kindness is actually harmful to children. Don’t try, don’t improve, don’t have discipline, you are innately good or bad at something, here have an external locus of control, nothing is within your control.

Theres a difference between a demanding parent who shows no affection and offers no help to a parent who encourages children to stretch themselves in a loving and supportive way.

UnwantedOpinionBelow · 27/05/2025 06:20

He sounds absolutely fantastic!

User37482 · 27/05/2025 06:23

In defence of the not giving an option thing I made mine go to a club she was terrified of, she sat outside and cried for 3 months. But when she finally got in for a full session the change was immense. She came, she saw and she bloody conquered. Totally changed her perspective on giving things a go. She went from hesitant and anxious to “fuck it, it looks scary but I’ll try.”

That sounds unkind but she needed to know she can do stuff and that I’ll cheer her every single step of the way. She has choices over what she does but I won’t tolerate not giving it a proper go. She doesn’t have to be perfect at all, but she can improve and thats what we look for progress not perfection. She ended up loving that class, we switched in the end to a different activity but she walked into the next one head held up high and ready to give it her best shot.

IveGotAnUnusuallyLargePelvisISwear · 27/05/2025 06:29

He doesn’t sound strict. He sounds like an over thinker and a devoted dad. I don’t think he’s more devoted than you btw, he’s just showing it differently. The spider example is quite sweet. And it’s great he’s taking the 6 year old out for fresh air and exercise- as long as the child is enjoying it and doesn’t feel bullied to be “better”.

Honestly, I’ve learnt myself it’s much better to have a partner and a co parent who sees an issue and wants to solve it (whether it works or not) than one who sees a problem and just moans about it and refuses to do anything other than apportion blame.

Beautifulspringsunshine · 27/05/2025 06:43

It looks like he's overcompensating and I can see how it would be tiring but he sounds like a great dad that's really involved in his kids lives. He makes it fun and kids seem happy.

How do you feel though? Does it make you feel inadequate or not good enough? I may be totally on the wrong track but maybe this is less about him and more about how it all makes you feel. Do some soul searching and then have a chat with him about how you feel.

Barnbrack · 27/05/2025 06:50

That's not strict, strict would be telling at a 4 yr old for being afraid and refusing to acknowledge it. Making the toddler sit at the table until they try everything on their plate, forcing 10 yr old to go out with terrible hair and refusing to help until they sorted it and berating the other one for losing the race and demanding they improve their running times. He's helping them in positive and interested ways. I don't see the issue

Nicecuppatea2025 · 27/05/2025 07:23

I don’t see any flags here tbh.

You have different parenting styles and I think the first question is probably around how you’re parenting together.

WildflowerConstellations · 27/05/2025 07:32

I'm in two minds about this. On the one hand it's brilliant that he cares so much and is actively parenting, helping them overcome things in a fun way. My only concern I think is if they are spending quite a lot of time each day on "improving" themselves, e.g. are they getting the message they're not good enough?

Agix · 27/05/2025 07:33

He sounds fantastic. I would have loved a parent to have supported and helped me so much in areas I lacked skill or confidence in. It's called parenting.

IsItAllRubbish · 27/05/2025 07:34

Obviously we’re not there but this doesn’t sound like he is focussing on their flaws, more like he is helping them on the path to (perhaps) success. He probably is overcompensating for his own absent parents.

WhenYouSayNothingAtAll · 27/05/2025 07:38

Do the children know the reasoning behind his actions? Is he making it known that the “fun” thing is happening because they’re rubbish at it and they must improve or is he incorporating them into their routine without comments/their knowledge?

Can he accept no ? No I don’t want to play tag, try that hair style, pet the tarantula at the zoo?

Can he accept that they might actually not improve despite all of his and their efforts?

Megifer · 27/05/2025 07:57

He sounds very overbearing, recording foods in a notebook is bizarre behaviour. And does your DD want to run better? Spider thing sounds cute on its own but with the other things....yea, he's a bit weird op.

inkognitha · 27/05/2025 08:15

Megifer · 27/05/2025 07:57

He sounds very overbearing, recording foods in a notebook is bizarre behaviour. And does your DD want to run better? Spider thing sounds cute on its own but with the other things....yea, he's a bit weird op.

My European friends introduced their kids to every texture and taste when babies, they kept a log, as this father does. That’s how it should be done by dedicated parents, rather than feeding them chicken nuggets or whatever until they’re 15 for convenience.

What he does is not weird, it’s good parenting, much better than what you see these days. OP should give her head a wobble, he’s a better dad than she is.

splendidpickle · 27/05/2025 08:22

While some of what he does sounds a little intense, I actually think you're a bit too laid back here. You seem to be quite happy for your 6 year old to struggle with running (a pretty basic skill for a kid) and to leave your 13yo unable to look after her own hair. You're not doing them any favours either being so hands off. Maybe instead of just saying he's too strict, you could have a chat where you try to meet in the middle?

C152 · 27/05/2025 09:23

I think he sounds amazing. The two of you just have different parenting styles, which you'll have to learn to accept/compromise on.

Megifer · 27/05/2025 09:28

inkognitha · 27/05/2025 08:15

My European friends introduced their kids to every texture and taste when babies, they kept a log, as this father does. That’s how it should be done by dedicated parents, rather than feeding them chicken nuggets or whatever until they’re 15 for convenience.

What he does is not weird, it’s good parenting, much better than what you see these days. OP should give her head a wobble, he’s a better dad than she is.

Show quote history

Is there not a middle ground between keeping a record of food and obsessing like this DH, and feeding then chicken nuggets in Europe?

Original poster
yestothat · 27/05/2025 09:34

Thank you for the replies, I can see I’m probably lucky he’s really involved and loves them so much.

It probably is just making me feel bad that I’m not so bothered rather than me actually being concerned he’s too strict.
It defiantly can also be a bit exhausting, he’s very full on.

OP posts:
Whiteflowerscreed · 27/05/2025 09:37

He sounds very anxious and he is putting far too much pressure on your children to be perfect. Sounds like he’s trying to fix their natural personalities to be ‘perfect’. It won’t help them

PurpleThistle7 · 27/05/2025 09:37

yestothat · 27/05/2025 09:34

Thank you for the replies, I can see I’m probably lucky he’s really involved and loves them so much.

It probably is just making me feel bad that I’m not so bothered rather than me actually being concerned he’s too strict.
It defiantly can also be a bit exhausting, he’s very full on.

I think it's worth considering the positives to being with someone who is enthusiastic about the things that you aren't - it can work really well!

I have all the energy in the world to take my daughter to musicals and to talk about ballet and hear all the gossip about her friends. My husband has 0 interest in any of that. BUT he loves camping and hiking and takes the kids out to do all that sort of thing regularly. It fits together so they have a wide range of experiences but neither of us are forcing ourselves to do something that doesn't come naturally to us. (Minus taking my son to football which we both hate equally)

So if he's keen and excited to work with the kids on things they want to improve on, and has the patience to watch your daughter fail to do her own hair for a while until she can do it (this really does seem important to be honest, she really should be getting herself ready before high school!) then on he goes! You can jump in on the things you are more keen on and leave him to enjoy this part.

MrsSkylerWhite · 27/05/2025 09:37

Oddsocksanduglyshoes · 26/05/2025 21:35

I’m sorry but I think he sounds brilliant. Would love my dh to have done research and been actively involved like this.

I thought so too. I did exactly the same with the spider thing.

Maybe I’m hard work, too 😁 It did the trick, though.

MrsSkylerWhite · 27/05/2025 09:38

Spider fact: a line of web as thick as a pencil can stop a jet plane in flight (source Chester Zoo).

godmum56 · 27/05/2025 09:41

Barnbrack · 27/05/2025 06:50

That's not strict, strict would be telling at a 4 yr old for being afraid and refusing to acknowledge it. Making the toddler sit at the table until they try everything on their plate, forcing 10 yr old to go out with terrible hair and refusing to help until they sorted it and berating the other one for losing the race and demanding they improve their running times. He's helping them in positive and interested ways. I don't see the issue

which is why I asked what happens when they say no.

UpsideDownChairs · 27/05/2025 09:42

I think as long as he's not abusive about it, as long as he's doing it and not making you do it, and as long as he's not stressing himself or them out over it it's positive to see this level of engagement TBH

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