DH too strict with DC

[yestothat]

DH was at boarding school from the age of 7 and has awful parents, just for some backstory.

Overall he is a really loving and involved father and husband. He has never been aggressive or nasty but I do think he is unnecessarily strict and gets too involved sometimes.

He’s always working out our their ‘faults’ and trying to fix them. Things that I would think just aren’t a big deal.

recent examples-
4 year old is suddenly scared of spiders and cried yesterday when there was one in his bedroom.
Obviously I told tell him there’s nothing to be scared of and it won’t hurt him etc but that’s all I would do, as lots of people are scared of spiders and he’s only 4. Dh thinks it’s a major concern and we have to immediately sort it out, he’s spent all night researching cool spider facts that he can tell to ds, ordered him spider toy and a book about spiders.

6 year old isn’t very good at running, was one of the slowest as sports day and just obviously wasn’t doing it right. They’re good at lots of other things and I would have just told them that and that it doesn’t matter if they’re not the best runner. Dh has been teaching them, taking them on jogs, playing tag, looking at parks runs they can do.

10 can’t do her hair. She tries but it just always ends up looking terrible so we have to redo it. I think it’s just quicker and easier for me to do it and she will get it at some point. He finds her tutorials online and goes through them with her and will get her to have a go doing it every morning knowing it will have to be redone.

Toddler is a tiny bit of a picky eater, I’m not concerned, there’s lots of things they do like and they’re healthy. Dh again thinks it is a major problem and is right on it, researching techniques, getting them to try every possible food in existence, reinventing every food they don’t like. He has a notebook where he writes everything down that they have and haven’t eaten.

Every friendship problem, weakness, fear ect has to be solved. All things that I just don’t think I would worry about unless they were causing a proper problem but I can see he is just wanting to help them.

AIBU to think it’s too much? Or am I just not caring enough

So, he ensures they do essential things, encourages them to develop, practice and learn, is fully engaged in their personal care and nutrition, shows them there are things they can do themselves in order to improve in an activity that doesn't just mean being fast but also develops posture, gait, core strength, leg strength, aerobic and anaerobic fitness, can be invaluable for self regulation and acknowledges fears whilst helping them learn that they don't need to be scared anymore?

He sounds amazing.

Yes! With some boarding school style scripts, rules and rigidity.

OP’s posts don’t describe ‘amazing’ or ‘brilliant’ parenting.

You quoted me

I agree I'm baffled at some of these responses tbh. He doesn't sound awful but I don't think its brilliant either to have a strange need to resolve everything (some of which dont even sound like issues that need fixing) with a structured researched plan.

I know? But you've obviously got me mixed up with someone else nothing I've said is "condemning" the DH or making a mountain out of it.

I just dont think it's "basics" to see these things as a problem requiring his level of research and drama over it. Toddler is a bit picky so let's keep a food diary is just a really odd reaction IMO. and the running thing is weird (unless the DD wants to improve obvs but even then, going all in with park run n stuff? Wow 🤣)

Kids might get worried about not being "optimal at life" soon if he carries on. Hopefully op will level that out if that's the case.

Do feel free to interpret that as "ops DH is an abuser" btw 😬

@Megifer not sure the comprehension issue is on my side …

Why is having rules about exercise not good parenting? I’d say we do this but we wouldn’t refer to it as a “rule” so maybe that’s the issue? It’s definitely a done thing in our house that everyone goes outside at least once a day and everyone does some form of movement - usually a dog walk encompasses both, but DSD9 often chooses to cycle or have a kickabout in the park instead. There are loads of health benefits to fresh air and exercise daily!

I suppose it depends on how he implements his ideas. OP says he makes things enjoyable. OP - could you give examples of strictness regarding the areas you mentioned- screen use, schoolwork and chores etc?

Personally think that boundaries around screen use, chores and schoolwork are good, but can be difficult to implement. It sounds like your husband has a lot of time to do all these things, but maybe he just makes time....

OP you sound concerned that you are not as bothered with all the nitty gritty- as long as you are parenting them it is fine for your children to have different parenting styles (obviously providing there is a middle ground and a reasonably unified front) as they see different personalities in their own family, preparing them for the outside world.

An hour a day of exercise is a minimum healthy goal for kids.
https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/exercise/physical-activity-guidelines-children-and-young-people/#:~:text=Children%20and%20young%20people%20aged%205%20to%2018%20should%3A,movement%20skills%2C%20muscles%20and%20bones

No one is saying exercise isn’t good.

Being ‘strict’ about an exercise rule and training a 6 year old DC in running after a ‘poor’ performance in a race isn’t good.

Just saying exercise is good without facilitating that for your kids is pretty pointless and not good parenting.

Being strict about them getting outside to be physical, play a sport or hike or whatever, for at least an hour a day where that means encouraging them to actually do it and doing so in a way where they aren’t complaining about it to any great extent is good parenting. Not putting that sort of expectation in place and facilitating it for kids who aren’t doing it anyway would be somewhat poor parenting in most cases.

Helping a 6 year old learn how to run will give them a skill that will most likely be beneficial through out most of their life. Running is a key skill for all sorts of sports and for physical safety. And it’s something you can learn to be better at. It’s a great way to spend time with a parent if they do it in a way that makes you feel good about yourself - which OP’s DH seems to be doing.

Hr sounfs like s wonderful fsther

We did have a conversation about it today, he’s assured me he’s equally concerned about not giving them any hang ups or insecurities and making sure they’re not pushed so too far the other way.
Agreed that we both have to adapt as they get older and become teenagers and that we can probably find a good middle ground between us.

I think I was just quite tired the other night and him staying up researching spiders and ordering things of Amazon despite being tired himself made me stressed.

He sounds fabulous! My DH and I are like you, but I wish one of us was a bit more proactive! He sounds great and not strict at all! Just wants to help his kids develop! What's not to love there? Are u a bit too attracted to the easy life? I mean it's much easier to do stuff for our kids, or let things go or not to worry if X and Y. Far harder to be proactive and actually teach our kids. Good for your DH I say!

That's what I thought!

Sounds like he has a "growth mindset" while you lean more towards the "fixed mindset". I actually think it's great that he's teaching the kids that they don't just have to accept stuff that they find difficult - if they put in the effort, they can learn and improve. That's a brilliant perspective to have on the world, and it will take your kids far.

Obviously, he might be a bit OTT about it sometimes, so you might need to rein it in. I am not a fan of pushy parents! But what you have described is actually really supportive rather than strict.

I actually think the spider thing is very sweet.

I would have LOVED a father like this.