I’ve bailed on a friend in favour of my kids, but I didn’t realise how she was feeling 😔

[Niceiswear]

Edited to point out typo in the title - should say “kid”, just one!

My son and I sometimes going and visit an old school friend of mine who lives in Australia. He alway has a nice enough time but it’s not his favourite holiday. She doesn’t have kids and although we do activities for him, there isn’t a lot happening where she lives.

I’d planned to go and see her this year and she said she was thrilled, but that work would be very busy during the week. We threw around some ideas for things to do at the weekends while we were there.

I then found out that a group of mums from we know are taking their kids away for 10 days at the same time, and we’ve been invited.

This is a dream for my son. This group has gone away before and the timing’s not worked out for us to go with, as he was with my ex those weeks, or I haven’t been able to take the time off work.

I’d made up my mind that we’d go on the group trip instead of visiting my friend. It’s really special for my son and he’ll have a much better time.

I won’t get another chance to get to my friend this year.

I don’t get to talk to her on the phone loads because of the time zones, so hadn’t told her, but I’ve finally reached her today.

Before I had the chance to tell her, she confided that she’s really struggling mental health wise, to the extent she’s considered taking her own life, and that she feels so isolated over there and is just relieved people from home come and visit occasionally.

I was not expecting this at all. She was happy as Larry when I spoke to her last. I didn’t think she’d bat at eyelid as she’d already said she’d be really busy with work.

Obviously I couldn’t bring myself to tell her that we weren’t going to visit.

I feel absolutely awful.

Just tell her gently, as you can be there in other ways. The time zone difference is large but I’m sure you can now make the effort to speak to her more regularly? She needs regular contact, so I doubt you visiting that one time would be as helpful as you regularly checking in on her and calling/messaging

Difficult one - but this

you must prioritise your child

Yikes, can you say you can't afford to go to Australia this year and just not tell her about the other holiday? And as above just check in on her more?

Ah don’t feel bad Op, it is nice that you’re so considerate though and you sound like a great friend.

I don’t have kids and although I’m an introvert anyway due to where I live (a few hours from most friends) I do sometimes feel lonely and would be excited about someone coming to visit me but I’d understand if they had to cancel.

I think you’ve done well to visit her multiple times already, especially as it’s not that much of a holiday for your kid. Australia is very far away!

I think you should explain to her you can’t come as planned until maybe next year or whenever, but say you’d love to see her over at yours in the meantime - assuming that’s possible for you to accommodate her.

Also maybe step it up with the calls and FaceTimes and check up on her more regularly.

What do you mean 'obviously'?

How long are you going to leave it?

It’s a difficult one. Is there any way you could get to see her even for a shorter period? For example could your son go on the holiday with his friends with another family (we quite often take friends of our kids away). Or could you go another time?

It honestly sounds as though the problems here are deeper than one visit could solve but at the same time you might be able to give her a push in the right direction towards help or making some major life choices, like relocating etc.

Why don’t you ask her to come and visit you?

OP, your son is your priority without a doubt.
Your friend needs to visit.
Try an schedule calls with her.
What is she doing to help herself there?
That is a huge burden placed on your shoulders.

Do not feel guilty.
This trip for your son to finally get to go on is your rightful priority.

Tell her you’ll FaceTime more regularly to support her but also tell her that you won’t be able to visit as planned. Tell her the truth about your son’s need for a holiday with his friends and tell her you were going to tell her last time but obviously couldn’t with what she’s sprung on you.
Ask if she can visit you at some point. Tell her you’ll be there for her anytime she needs you on FaceTime or equivalent.

Invite her to stay with you?
Step up the calls and messaging
Send some flowers
Tell you can’t visit this year but she is most welcome to stay with you

Your son’s trip is a separate thing, it is for him with his friends - and you should both go.

Maybe she needs to come home if she is suicidal, she will need proper support beyond what your visit will offer.

I have said the same to her, that she really needs to come home. She was transferred over for a job secondment that ended up going on many times longer than planned.

Your friend should come home.

Living on the other side of the world would always mean it's hard for nearest and dearest to stay in contact, let alone visit due to the cost.

She needs to come home.

I’m not sure. I was blindsided by her outpouring.

Your son needs to come first. It sounds like you’ve always tried to do what you can and visit regularly which is admirable. Does she have friends over there? Why did she move, any chance she can move back? Does she ever come back home for visits?

Ask if she can come to you?

Tell her sooner rather than later. Find a way to commit to talking on the phone more, even if time zones make thst difficult.

Your poor friend, that she is feeling isolated etc

But the answer cannot be to rely on incredibly expensive visits from friends half a world away using up theirs and their kids’ holiday allowance.

If she ‘hangs on’ from visit to visit it just prolongs it, and puts you all under unreasonable strain.

I would be upfront about how hard it is to juggle a child and adult-orientated visits given the distance and expense and urge / support her to come home.

Maybe offer half the flight cost for her to visit you for her to work it all out?

You really do need to do the friends group trip. Things like this are gold for single mums of only kids. You have needs and challenges too, and your kid should not feel de-prioritised to your friend who chooses to stay put.

You sound like such a good friend, but you have to put your son first. As others have said try find a time to call. What about voice notes, that way you can more regularly exchange news and check in. Sounds like you found her on a really low day, so keep checking in, but don't feel bad that you can't visit. Moving half-way across the world is her decision not yours.

Invite her to stay with you.
Say you’ll call more regularly and make plans to visit next year instead, you just can’t make it work this year. After all, it is a very long and expensive trip.

Send her a lovely care package of some kind with a lovely card. Chocolates, flowers, whatever she’ll appreciate.

But ultimately, your son needs to come first and it sounds as though it’s a great opportunity for him.

You can’t be responsible for her happiness. I lived in Australia for a decade and when people came to see us I was very grateful indeed as it’s so expensive, it’s an arduous journey and you pretty much have to use all of your annual leave to make it worth it. That’s one of the reasons I didn’t want to live there for the rest of my life. I wanted the family and friends relationships that I had built over decades and decades.

She moved there, it’s her job that has kept her there. She needs to come home if she’s desperately unhappy. That’s what I did.

You need to prioritise your son. He hasn’t enjoyed any of the previous holidays and bluntly, taking him again so you can be a counsellor for your friend is not fair on him at all. Even without her MH issues, I can’t believe you were even thinking of taking him again when he clearly doesn’t enjoy it! How unfair! Your holidays with your son are so precious, why aren’t you doing things he enjoys? He really doesn’t need to see your friend having a breakdown.

Whilst I have every sympathy for your friend, she isn’t your responsibility. If she’s so unhappy where she is, she needs to come home. Expecting you to go half way around the world every year is a huge ask! Why has this fallen onto you? Has she got no other family or friends?

If she’s been located there due to work, her employers have a responsibility for her care. She needs to speak to HR who will point her in the right direction for the support she needs.

Tell her you cannot come this year but are happy to schedule more calls with her if that will help. But don’t take on more than you can cope with. Your friend sounds very mentally ill and needs profession help.

Take your son on holiday guilt free. He’s going to have a great time!

The longer you leave it to tell her, the harder it will be for her. Just explain that your DS has the opportunity to go away with his friends and as he has missed out on their previous trips you feel you have to put him first. Follow this up with a commitment to call/face time more regularly and suggest she comes out to visit you.

You need to prepare yourself for the possibility that she won't take the news well. But that's probably because of how she's feeling and doesn't mean you've done the wrong thing.

You are making the right choice, so don’t let yourself be guilted by your friend.

I know a few people who have made a big international move and then been upset because of their unrealistic expectations of people visiting, but they have a choice to either accept the consequences of the choice they made or come home.

What’s stopping her from visiting you?

It must've been heartbreaking for you to hear that she's got to this point and considering ending her own life .
Aside from your son ( and I 100% think you should prioritise him ) you cannot offer her the support she needs , even if she lived down the road , but she's the other side of the globe .

You cannot take on the responsibility for her MH .

The phrase Don;t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm is apt .

Right now you're torn and feeling guilt .
The right choice is your boy .

Tell her sooner rather than later, that might influence her to come back to visit the UK. Try to arrange dates, tell her when you’re free, think of all the things you can do. Just try and keep her on board with the idea.

In the meantime, you can increase the calls, send care packages.

Also reach out to other friends and if you know any of her family members. Find out if they can visit or they can put her up over in the UK.

JUST DONT DELAY IN TELLING HER.