I’ve bailed on a friend in favour of my kids, but I didn’t realise how she was feeling 😔

[Niceiswear]

Edited to point out typo in the title - should say “kid”, just one!

My son and I sometimes going and visit an old school friend of mine who lives in Australia. He alway has a nice enough time but it’s not his favourite holiday. She doesn’t have kids and although we do activities for him, there isn’t a lot happening where she lives.

I’d planned to go and see her this year and she said she was thrilled, but that work would be very busy during the week. We threw around some ideas for things to do at the weekends while we were there.

I then found out that a group of mums from we know are taking their kids away for 10 days at the same time, and we’ve been invited.

This is a dream for my son. This group has gone away before and the timing’s not worked out for us to go with, as he was with my ex those weeks, or I haven’t been able to take the time off work.

I’d made up my mind that we’d go on the group trip instead of visiting my friend. It’s really special for my son and he’ll have a much better time.

I won’t get another chance to get to my friend this year.

I don’t get to talk to her on the phone loads because of the time zones, so hadn’t told her, but I’ve finally reached her today.

Before I had the chance to tell her, she confided that she’s really struggling mental health wise, to the extent she’s considered taking her own life, and that she feels so isolated over there and is just relieved people from home come and visit occasionally.

I was not expecting this at all. She was happy as Larry when I spoke to her last. I didn’t think she’d bat at eyelid as she’d already said she’d be really busy with work.

Obviously I couldn’t bring myself to tell her that we weren’t going to visit.

I feel absolutely awful.

I don’t have any friends who live the other side of the world so not recently.

I have however dropped everything to drive over 6hrs to help out friends who are having issues, multiple times thanks!

I would just say you’re very sorry but you’ve double booked. Say you arranged to go on the group trip with your son already a while ago, and paid etc, and got the weeks mixed up. I know it’s a lie, but it’ll be less hurtful for her to think it was a mistake, rather than a deliberate choice.

Is there really no way of you going there another time, while your son is with his Dad?

Obviously it’s sad for her, but at the end of the day, if people choose to move to the other side of the world, they have to accept they will see friends from home a lot less.

I disagree, knowing that she is important enough to someone for them to fly round the world to meet them may well be enough to hold on for.

clearly a lot of posters on here have never been suicidal or have any concept of how desperate people can feel. You’re all acting as though her feelings are not real or valid and she’s being difficult.

@businessflop25 if she is in crisis then she needs to take time off sick and come home.

Presumably the trip is in the summer holidays, so it’s a few weeks away at least. If she is actively suicidal then she needs to come home asap.

Yes. Of course her friend's state of mind is concerning, but one visit from a friend won't make that much difference, and OP will go bonkers if she starts feeling responsible to that level.

Bless, there needs to be more people like you. Some people - at least on MN- use having kids as an excuse to not be there for their friends at all. Thankfully most of my friends with kids aren’t like that.

I’ve said upthread I think OP has nothing to feel bad about but I am feeling some of the responses towards her friend are a bit dismissive as you say .

And you can prioritise your children overall without putting their wants first in every single situation surely, I am sure sometimes my friends kid would rather have been at a play date, but it didn’t do them harm when their parents brought them to visit me and I’d like to think they had fun.

But personally I don’t feel OP should feel guilty either way. I think she needs a good talk with her friend because in the long term she needs to make a change.

I disagree, knowing that she is important enough to someone for them to fly round the world to meet them may well be enough to hold on for

I'm not questioning whether her feelings are 'valid'. If she is suicidal she is mentally ill, and the question of whether her feelings are valid isn't relevant.
You are trying to propose a logical solution (albeit one that puts a huge amount of pressure on the OP) for something that isn't logical.

If the OP thinks the friend is genuinely suicidal, she should contact the friend's family, and they need to find a way to either help her in Australia, urgently, or find a way to bring her back to the UK to get help. As the OP has a young son, her ability to help the friend is limited.

And some of us, who very much have been there, know that a single visit from friend is not going to make a discernible difference when it’s actually wider circumstances that need to change.

I think separate the two issues maybe? Explain your son needs more than a holiday with just the two women (natural as he gets older) so you think it would be best to take him on the trip with his friends. Ask her instead to visit you (could she come with you on this trip?), or if time permits meet halfway for a girls holiday alone and say that you’ll help her brainstorm on how to move back to the UK?

Bit living in Australia here, I know the time difference is especially difficult at this time of year, but I have a couple of good friends I speak to multiple times a week, if you can’t go, which to be fair, I would choose my son in this situation, they are little and want to holiday with you for such a short time!

I suggest you find a regular time to check in, remember it doesn’t need to be an hour call, we appreciate the call on your drive to the station for 10 mins, especially if it’s frequent.

it sounds like she is having a hard time, does she have a support network, good friends in Australia? I’m assuming she’s not alone, you don’t need to bear all the responsibility for her.

she should understand, visiting here from the uk is a big trip, it’s most of your annual leave, as an expat, she does get that.

I am sure sometimes my friends kid would rather have been at a play date, but it didn’t do them harm when their parents brought them to visit me and I’d like to think they had fun.

But presumably they wouldn't bring their child along if they had come to help you because you were having a mental health crisis.

I don’t disagree that she needs to come home. Of coarse that is the way forwards. But it’s not that simple is it. You can’t easily just pack up and move home at short notice particularly when your on your own and struggling with depression.
moving back could take months to organise at best.

I don't think you should take your son to morning holidays in Australia. When people move away they can't expect people form home to make that sacrifice, be it visiting in inopportune ways or meeting with them at home at inopportune times.

More importantly you shouldn't take your young son so far away form home and into a situation where a grown up is severely struggling with their mental health, that's not safe for anyone and you won't be able to support your friend adequately with your son to look after and vice versa.

The best you can do is be more available by phone and try and visit her without your son if he can stay with your ex.

OP you need to tell her ASAP, like today.

The longer you leave it, the worse it's going to get for you and her. Explain you can't come, but that you will support her in other ways - like you're happy to organise a regular phone call she can look forward to.

Or that you will text her more often checking in.

Tell her to come visit you this year.

It actually is that easy. I’ve done it. You just go.

OP said her friend is already coming to UK later this year.. so she’ll see her in a few months anyway.

Kindly, it's not your problem. Tbh no reason to keep going if your child doesn't enjoy it. That's my view anyway- much better to do something they enjoy. Presumably your friend only has a certain amount of annual leave and if she is spending portions of that with friends who don't actually live in the country, and not on meeting people locally, she has created her own problem.

I say that as someone who has been single and lonely- it's very easy to fall into a pit of self despair and depending on crumbs of friendship from afar, whereas building something that isn't dependent on other people is much more beneficial I.e joining social groups that are happening anyway. It's often an illusion that you can come home and pick up where things left off - building a community takes time.

You need to tell her the truth ASAP though.

Is she still there on the secondment?
what support does her employer offer? - practically in terms of flights home or MH support?
If she is already coming home regularly to visit family and still feeling this bad, maybe it's time to call it a day & end the secondment?

Can ex not take son on the trip?

I think I would move heaven and earth to support a friend who opened about feeling suicidal.

i would leave son with his father and go alone.

if you are set on not going then offer her an alternative to come to you. So she doesn’t sit stewing in the loneliness with no alternatives or feeling like she’s not going to see anyone for god knows how long.

you really can’t delay telling her. It’s not right

you really can’t delay telling her. It’s not right

I somewhat agree with this OP, it may be a difficult conversation but it’s better had sooner than later.

If she is actively suicidal then she needs to come home asap
In an ideal world, but then those in the depths of a mental health crisis, where they feel the best thing to do is kill themselves, are not going to be rationally, or logically thinking, are they?

OP, is it possible to arrange for a welfare check via the local police or her employers perhaps?

Okay well money isn’t an issue, she’s working that week and you have DS that week anyway. But it sounds as though DS does have an involved dad.

So., find a week DS can stay with his dad and go on your own a different week? When she’s not working?

Kindly, it's not your problem
I'm glad not everyone takes this attitude.

No, OP shouldn't be forcing her son to do something he's unhappy with, but I wouldn't be sitting on my laurels either, if someone I loved enough to make godmother, was struggling.