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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I’ve bailed on a friend in favour of my kids, but I didn’t realise how she was feeling 😔

109 replies

Niceiswear · 26/05/2025 09:38

Edited to point out typo in the title - should say “kid”, just one!

My son and I sometimes going and visit an old school friend of mine who lives in Australia. He alway has a nice enough time but it’s not his favourite holiday. She doesn’t have kids and although we do activities for him, there isn’t a lot happening where she lives.

I’d planned to go and see her this year and she said she was thrilled, but that work would be very busy during the week. We threw around some ideas for things to do at the weekends while we were there.

I then found out that a group of mums from we know are taking their kids away for 10 days at the same time, and we’ve been invited.

This is a dream for my son. This group has gone away before and the timing’s not worked out for us to go with, as he was with my ex those weeks, or I haven’t been able to take the time off work.

I’d made up my mind that we’d go on the group trip instead of visiting my friend. It’s really special for my son and he’ll have a much better time.

I won’t get another chance to get to my friend this year.

I don’t get to talk to her on the phone loads because of the time zones, so hadn’t told her, but I’ve finally reached her today.

Before I had the chance to tell her, she confided that she’s really struggling mental health wise, to the extent she’s considered taking her own life, and that she feels so isolated over there and is just relieved people from home come and visit occasionally.

I was not expecting this at all. She was happy as Larry when I spoke to her last. I didn’t think she’d bat at eyelid as she’d already said she’d be really busy with work.

Obviously I couldn’t bring myself to tell her that we weren’t going to visit.

I feel absolutely awful.

OP posts:
Schoolchoicesucks · 26/05/2025 22:55

Going there "on a holiday" with your child to come to the aid of a suicidal friend is obviously not the right thing. Neither is letting her down gently and telling her you have chosen to go away with a group of your son's friends.

I am assuming this is a long haul trip for you. Do you have the holiday time and money to visit your friend to offer in person support at another time, when your DS is with his dad?

What support can you provide in the meantime - voicenote contact, ensuring she has support from relevant local mental health services there, from other friends and family, helping her make plans to move countries if that is the right choice for her.

Littlemisscapable · 26/05/2025 23:10

You seem lovely but after many years of different friendships I really understand now that we are not responsible for other people's happiness..you can certainly help but don't feel bad if you prioritise yourself and son first.

LameBorzoi · 26/05/2025 23:27

limegreenheart · 26/05/2025 19:59

Your friend hasn't assumed that you'll visit her in Australia; you've said I’d planned to go and see her this year and we threw around some ideas for things to do at the weekends while we were there. Plans change, and you have the right to spend your limited holiday time as you like. But I think many of the replies here are unreasonable (and irresponsible) in urging you to be angry with and resentful of your friend.

I wouldn't say that her expressing enjoyment of people from home (including but not limited to you) visiting her is "manipulative" or constitutes a "guilt trip", especially when she had no idea that you were planning to cancel your trip. From the way you've described the situation - she was happy that you were coming but warning you she'll be busy, rather than planning to take time off to spend with you - I'd have guessed that she thinks it suits you (and your son) to go to Australia on holiday and stay with her. I would NOT tell her now that your son hasn't enjoyed past trips and you've chosen another trip instead. Just tell her the facts as they impact her: you're not coming this year.

Do you know if she has told anyone else how much she is struggling? It sounds like her job is her main local touchpoint and she may be under a lot of pressure to act as if all is normal there. This could contribute to her thinking that her friends back home are her only respite. I would encourage her to get some local help ASAP; even if it's "just" calling a hotline and finding out what resources are available. How about a local support group? Resources via her job that she can access confidentially? If there is someone she can confide in face to face that would be ideal; seeing a therapist should be a priority. If she can't or won't see someone local there are remote options. And ideally, she should let her family know what is going on IF there is anyone who would be able to support her there.

Being in Australia may exacerbate her problems, but it hasn't caused them, and going home - while it may put her in a better situation to get help - won't fix them. She has to commit to getting herself effective help, and follow through with it. If you're able to speak with her regularly, help her plan, and keep her accountable that could be helpful (maybe set up a scheduled periodic "check in" since you've had trouble connecting due to time diff, etc.) but don't underestimate the time commitment and the toll that may take on you and don't commit to more than you can do.

If you are the only one she has told, the best and most important thing may be to encourage her to tell someone else, whether that's a professional or a family member or both. Giving her the impression that you'll "be there for her" in a more robust way will do more harm than good if you're not sure you can follow through. She needs to have a realistic view of what to expect right now.

Being an expat can be really tough - cut off from friends and family. OP's friend's situation sounds like the worst possible situation - there temporarily, so no drive to put down roots, but open - ended, so no end in sight. It is possible that moving home would help a lot.

BangersAndGnash · 26/05/2025 23:28

“This is my dream for my son”

OP, spend some more time talking with your friend. Obviously she is finding life very hard, but if she is actually suicidal then she needs help now, not in however many weeks til you arrive.

And she is obviously functioning professionally, as she says she will be at work during the week when you are there.

Mama2many73 · 27/05/2025 00:59

I do think youve made the right choice but realise it must be hard yto hear a close friend speak , be feeling so bad.
Even if you were to reconsider do you really think it would be appropriate to take your young son out with you if she feels so bad.
I think as pp have said offer different forms of support. Has she told her work how she is feeling? It does sound like she would be better off returning home where she would have much closer support.

MayaPinion · 27/05/2025 04:11

Just tell her the truth, ‘Bob and I have been invited on his school camping trip on the same dates we were thinking about coming to see you. He’s desperate to go as he had to miss it last year, so we’re going to have to give Australia a miss for now. Do you want to come over here?’

EmeraldShamrock000 · 27/05/2025 04:29

That is shocking.
I definitely wouldn't go visit her for many reasons.
I really hope that she receives the help she needs, she's unwell so I understand, however I think she was unfair to drop that on you.
She needs professional support.
Contact someone who lives closer to her, if they know her GP, maybe email them.
Sorry I haven't RTFT.

AliBaliBee1234 · 27/05/2025 06:29

Be honest about the situation with your son. I'm sure she will want him to go and have fun with his friends. Don't lie because if she finds out it'll make her feel worse.

It sounds like she needs to come visit you and get a change of scenary? Or come home full stop!

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