I’ve bailed on a friend in favour of my kids, but I didn’t realise how she was feeling 😔

[Niceiswear]

Edited to point out typo in the title - should say “kid”, just one!

My son and I sometimes going and visit an old school friend of mine who lives in Australia. He alway has a nice enough time but it’s not his favourite holiday. She doesn’t have kids and although we do activities for him, there isn’t a lot happening where she lives.

I’d planned to go and see her this year and she said she was thrilled, but that work would be very busy during the week. We threw around some ideas for things to do at the weekends while we were there.

I then found out that a group of mums from we know are taking their kids away for 10 days at the same time, and we’ve been invited.

This is a dream for my son. This group has gone away before and the timing’s not worked out for us to go with, as he was with my ex those weeks, or I haven’t been able to take the time off work.

I’d made up my mind that we’d go on the group trip instead of visiting my friend. It’s really special for my son and he’ll have a much better time.

I won’t get another chance to get to my friend this year.

I don’t get to talk to her on the phone loads because of the time zones, so hadn’t told her, but I’ve finally reached her today.

Before I had the chance to tell her, she confided that she’s really struggling mental health wise, to the extent she’s considered taking her own life, and that she feels so isolated over there and is just relieved people from home come and visit occasionally.

I was not expecting this at all. She was happy as Larry when I spoke to her last. I didn’t think she’d bat at eyelid as she’d already said she’d be really busy with work.

Obviously I couldn’t bring myself to tell her that we weren’t going to visit.

I feel absolutely awful.

I think this is really relevant, she is choosing to stay there and that isn't on you. I know it must feel awful but you can't be responsible for her happiness and mental health. You are obviously a caring person, are there any reasons she can't come home?

You need to tell her asap.
Tell her the truth. Do not make up stuff like it's too expensive or whatever because she can then make suggestions to find a way round it.
Tell her about the group holiday and that means that you won't be able to come to Australia next year but looking forward to catching up when she's in the UK. And also suggest you facetime more regularly if she's feeling down.

However, at the end of the day, her mental health is her responsibility and she could change things by moving back to the UK if she's lonely and miserable in Australia. It's unrealistic to expect a friend to fly out to Australia with or without her son annually - the cost is one thing but also the time needed to do this.

You can support her but your son has to come first.

OP, there’s no way I’d take a child to stay with a friend with a mh illness so serious they are talking about suicide. And your visit won’t stop that feeling - if anything, your visit and subsequent departure might even make her feeling of isolation worse once she’s left alone again.

OP is there any way you can reach out to her family via social media? I would let them know what you had planned to visit but now can’t and you are worried about your friend being very lonely . No need to mention suicide.

Separately I’d make a plan to call / message friend frequently - like, daily. My mum and I used to play Wordl and try and compete for best score each day, for example. I would also ask her for recipe ideas, gardening advice, parenting advice. She would ask me for fashion advice or comment on politics. The touchpoint can be short and lighthearted but it’s helpful.

You’re doing the right thing. Your son comes first. A good friend will understand this even if she’s completely gutted that you won’t be going. If she kicks off or cuts you off then it says more about her than you.

Agree that you need to tell here ASAP.

At the end of the day you have to put your son first and, even without the opportunity of a much more suited holiday, you shouldn't be taking him to spend time around someone who is currently suicidal.

Make it clear that you are available to her to speak much more often but explain that you have to prioritise DS's needs.

Why does it always have to be you travelling long haul with a child (which can't be fun for him), why doesn't she ever visit you.

You seem to be giving an awful lot of attention to someone who lives the other side of the world and doesn't seem invested in your friendship.

Your child has to come first on this, otherwise all they'll remember from their childhood is the boring tiring long distance travel to somewhere that has very little to keep them entertained or things to look forward to.

I think 'in favour of my kid' is the kind of framing that will make you feel more guilty when you don't need to make yourself feel worse - you're prioritising your son and that's ok. Definitely encourage her to visit you instead.

When have I given the impression she isn’t invested in our friendship? She’s very close. And she does visit us often.

My son LOVES the journey to Australia, incidentally. It’s his favourite part.

A good friend tells you she’s thought about suicide. You need to take action now to stop her from following through. This is very serious.

I live in Australia. Where does your friend live? What state and suburb? I will look up the number for the local police station and you can call them, they can do a welfare check on her and get her the help she needs.

There is also LifeLine 13 11 14 your friend can call for help.

I am horrified at the complete lack of concern or empathy other posters on this thread are showing. Jesus Christ.

You sound like a good friend. Which is hard when you live so far apart.
But I don't think a quick visit would make much difference to her mental health.
Not if she is at the point of talking about suicide. She needs to see a professional for help and make changes that make her feel better.
Obviously moving back to the UK sounds like a good move. But never that simple.
Are you in a position to mention your concerns to her family?

It is ultimately the woman herself’s decision as to whether to end her life. That’s not unsympathetic, it’s acknowledging that the OP, even if she lived next door, cannot and should not take responsibility for trying to keep someone from suicide. A police welfare check will only establish whether or not she’s died. Absolutely the OP can demonstrate her continuing commitment to the friendship, but she can’t drag her child to the other side of the world because of someone else’s suicidal ideation.

You are not responsible for your friends happiness, or for her life. You were right to prioritise your son. Tell her asap and you could suggest she comes to visit you. If she is depressed, she will need to take action, not you. A trip from you will make her temporarily feel better, but the cause of the depression will still be there. She’ll need to find mental health support and/or make changes in her life. Please be there for her as much as you reasonably can be, but enjoy your child friendly holiday, without feeling guilty.

Can you ask your sons dad to take him on the other trip and you go see your friend alone? It’s not your responsibility but she’s your friend and I personally would be doing everything to get over there, sooner rather than later. I would then take the opportunity to speak to her about moving home to get some support.
If you can’t do this then maybe speak to her family? She has told you she’s suicidal, listen to it.

You should never, ever, ever feel responsible for someone else's mental health. I've been there. I've had a few different people who've leant heavily on me to the point that I was going round there in the middle of the night, or they'd turn up at my door, or they'd be texting/calling all the time demanding my attention - and it was horrific for my family.

You have to put yourself and your family first. Be there for her as much as you can/want to, but don't take responsibility for her. Ultimately, there is help out there. If she's feeling this way she needs to see her GP who will refer her to the right kind of help.

But you cannot take the weight of your life and hers. You need to tell her you're not going ASAP.

In my experience, people who are genuinely going to take their own lives just do it. Those who tell you about it generally don't. Yes it's a cry for help, but you can't have that weight for other people.

@beAsensible1 the trip the son wants to go on is with OP’s mum friends and kids, so not something her ex would go on.
And her friend doesn’t even have annual leave for the time OP is due to be in Australia, so she’s unlikely to be bored.

I never said for OP to take her child there.

We are all responsible for taking steps to prevent someone’s suicide. Are you being serious? If someone tells you that they plan to kill themselves, you must take steps to prevent it. You tell the police, tell their family, a friend- someone. You call Life Line with them. You ask them if they have made a plan yet. If they say yes, ask them what is that plan? This will tell you how much time you have to help them. These questions and intervention literally saves people’s lives.

I am trained in suicide prevention and psychological first aid. I have lost people I love to suicide and it is heartbreaking.

When someone tells you they have thought about suicide, you don’t brush it under the rug and say ‘well that’s your choice’. You help them.

And the police absolutely will do a welfare check. They can also get the CAT team to make contact with the person, talk to them and get them help. They also have a legal obligation to inform next of kin.

Talk of suicide should be taken very seriously and acted upon quickly. Go on whatever holiday you like, just help your fkn friend before she kills herself.

I would always prioritise my child over anyone for any reason.

The friend needs professional, local help now. The visit in a few months a time isn’t going to be the thing that keeps her alive if she’s having a mental health crisis now and the OP cannot be made responsible for her friends mental health

I have also lost people to suicide, and I have people around me who spent many years leaping into action at repeated suicidal ideation only for that person to die by suicide anyway, after a decade of people running themselves ragged to try to keep them alive, being held hostage by suicide threats. I also have a friend whose parents both died by suicide when he was a teenager. He found them.

Ultimately, I do not think it is the job of someone’s friends and family to prevent suicide, and generally it’s simply not possible, anyway. If you’re a professional, you have a different role, obviously.

Can you just tell her you need to move the dates and go to both? A different week might work better for her with work.

Prioritise your son. It is terribly sad that your friend is struggling but you can still be a good friend to her without visiting her this year.

Suicide prevention does work, just because it doesn’t work all the time doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t try.

People die of cancer despite receiving treatment for it all the time- should we not bother to treat anyone then?

Mental illness is treatable and most suicides are preventable, if someone stops and takes a moment to give a shit. Suicide survivors say that they didn’t really want to die, they were just so desperate and not in their right minds.

To say that we shouldn’t do anything to help these people is awful.

I think you may have misread the post.

Slightlyfurther is not disputing that professionals can help.

If somebody is genuinely 'not in their right mind' that is not a problem that can be solved by friends and family.

Friends and family also can't cure cancer.

Your friend hasn't assumed that you'll visit her in Australia; you've said I’d planned to go and see her this year and we threw around some ideas for things to do at the weekends while we were there. Plans change, and you have the right to spend your limited holiday time as you like. But I think many of the replies here are unreasonable (and irresponsible) in urging you to be angry with and resentful of your friend.

I wouldn't say that her expressing enjoyment of people from home (including but not limited to you) visiting her is "manipulative" or constitutes a "guilt trip", especially when she had no idea that you were planning to cancel your trip. From the way you've described the situation - she was happy that you were coming but warning you she'll be busy, rather than planning to take time off to spend with you - I'd have guessed that she thinks it suits you (and your son) to go to Australia on holiday and stay with her. I would NOT tell her now that your son hasn't enjoyed past trips and you've chosen another trip instead. Just tell her the facts as they impact her: you're not coming this year.

Do you know if she has told anyone else how much she is struggling? It sounds like her job is her main local touchpoint and she may be under a lot of pressure to act as if all is normal there. This could contribute to her thinking that her friends back home are her only respite. I would encourage her to get some local help ASAP; even if it's "just" calling a hotline and finding out what resources are available. How about a local support group? Resources via her job that she can access confidentially? If there is someone she can confide in face to face that would be ideal; seeing a therapist should be a priority. If she can't or won't see someone local there are remote options. And ideally, she should let her family know what is going on IF there is anyone who would be able to support her there.

Being in Australia may exacerbate her problems, but it hasn't caused them, and going home - while it may put her in a better situation to get help - won't fix them. She has to commit to getting herself effective help, and follow through with it. If you're able to speak with her regularly, help her plan, and keep her accountable that could be helpful (maybe set up a scheduled periodic "check in" since you've had trouble connecting due to time diff, etc.) but don't underestimate the time commitment and the toll that may take on you and don't commit to more than you can do.

If you are the only one she has told, the best and most important thing may be to encourage her to tell someone else, whether that's a professional or a family member or both. Giving her the impression that you'll "be there for her" in a more robust way will do more harm than good if you're not sure you can follow through. She needs to have a realistic view of what to expect right now.

Invite her to come and stay with you for a visit.
I know you say she comes over regularly enough but invite her for a girly visit/holiday where you can spend time together.