Mums new partner…red flags or is it me?

[AurumVox]

Hi…I really need some advice if possible as I can’t tell if it’s me having an issue with my mums new partner because it’s new or whether I should be genuinely worried.

To give some context, I’m 41/F, my mum is 68. We lost our dad (step father who raised us) 3 years ago and my mum has started dating a guy (73) over the last 6 months. I met him this week as I live about 200 miles away so I’m visiting currently.

I want to start off by saying the huge amount of relief I felt when I found out that mum had met somebody, although it was hard and different I actively encouraged it as I knew how much mum was missing my stepdad who she was with for 31 years, I also worry a lot being so far away so to know that she’s been so happy and that she’s spending time enjoying her self has been the biggest relief.

In the first few months of them dating mum was really quite overwhelmed as she’s very independent, has a great network of friends and stays very busy. The guy she’s started dating is very intense and was wanting to spend all of his time with her so she was finding it hard to balance all the other commitments. I talked a lot to her about seeing it from his perspective as he has also lost his wife around 18 months ago. So I put a lot into talking things through with mum and encouraging her to communicate with him about how she was feeling etc.

About 3 weeks ago mum travelled up to stay with me and I looked after her dog while she went to her place in Crete, while she was staying he was calling her 4 x a day which I thought was a lot! Didn’t say anything though. She said this was normal for him. That he wanted to spend all of his time with her which she didn’t want. She had also said previously that lots of people disliked him because he often says the wrong thing and could be taken as rude / abrupt etc, that perhaps he was slightly lacked social skills. I again said well you know him in a different way so go with the your gut. They met through a solo group of which some of the members have apparently warned mum off him.
They get on great, and she’s said recently she’s totally fallen for him. My mum I would say is a very independent, intelligent, wise lady…so I would never have questioned her choice.

I met him this week, a couple of times now and he has been so rude to me that it was uncomfortable, for myself and for mum. The first time I let it go thinking maybe he’s nervous etc. but the 2nd time was pretty awful. I didn’t want to make a big deal and thought I’d wait for mum to bring it up which she did after he’d gone, saying she’d never seen him behave that rudely towards anybody before. I was surprised I managed not to react but instead I think I just froze and didn’t know what to do.

I also noticed he corrects her all the time and they have this constant ‘banter’ as mum calls it, where they almost argue who is right. To the onlooker it comes across as him telling her she’s wrong about everything. He also has the code to her key safe on the house. When we arrived back from mum staying with me he had let himself in and left her flowers and cooked a meal for us which was left in the fridge - which was a lovely gesture it just felt strange, like he’s totally love bombing her.

I’ve seriously wracked my brain over whether my issue is one of my own - am I still grieving, am I feeling possessive, I’ve gone over and over the mum deserves to be happy and so on. But my gut just can’t get past the way he spoke to me and how he is with her. I actually feel like a petulant child about it (which I hate!)…am I reading too much into it? Am I subconsciously trying to sabotage?! I simply don’t like him and I feel like I’m really trying to.

It’s hard because I obviously miss my stepdad terribly and its weird somebody else being here but I’m highly aware it’s her house, her life, she needs and deserves to be happy (which I want for her more than anything else) and at the end of the day my opinion doesn’t and shouldn’t matter (much).
It’s been strange because I’ve barely seen her and since I’ve been back she’s been over at his or stayed over there and when she’s been here she’s exhausted so our time has been limited. I’ve taken time off from work to come down and spend time with her and I’m pretty much just here doing very little.

I really don’t know what to do. Should I put my feelings aside despite what I feel are red flags? Or should I keep sharing my concerns which is making it really difficult?

Any advice or opinions would be welcomed - I’m realistic and if I’m coming across as bratty then I’m open to that too! I just want an outside non emotional perspective I guess?

This man is one huge walking red flag.

I feel like posters here have their soft gloves on because he is seen as elderly and hence more harmless.

It sounds like love bombing (which is why your mum has fallen for him) and coercive control. He is isolating her from you this week. He will probably be twisting things and telling her how rude he thought you were to him and slowly he will say how he doesn't like being around you because you are against him. He will be saying that of course they are a couple so have to always be together....if she loved him she'd want to always be with him....maybe she isn't committed if she doesn't want to talk to him several times a day... and she shouldn't invite you again as you are so rude to him.

It is incredibly rude of him not to back off and give your mum space when she has her daughter visiting!

I have friends of that age group and they would always understand that family comes first and give space to children

Try to talk to your mum and also talk to your relatives after the party and get their thoughts. If everyone speaks to your mum it might get through. I'd also tell her that classic abusive behaviour would be to start complaining about people close to her to isolate her, and say that if and when he starts doing that can she please remember your conversation.

Also ask her questions...whose idea was it for him to have her door code? Why does he need to go in when she isn't there to let him in?

Why did he move 3 hours away from where he used to live?

You could also do a Claire's law request. Just because he is elderly doesn't mean he hasn't been abusive before.

I think in a bid to be polite, you didn't acknlodelge her concerns at a point early enough in the relationship where she was having doubts and now, as you say, she is quite a bit further down the path with him.

I don't really know what the answer is, but I'd stop making it easy when she breaks both of your boundaries with him.

For example, you're on a trip to visit her and quite reasonably both planned to spend time together and you're being blown off.

You know it isn't right because you saw her healthy relstionship with another man.

I'm now imagining the grandma's boyfriend from the show Friday Night Dinner. Mr Morris I think he was called?

Yeah, I can see why you think he seems awful. I hope your mum will listen to your concerns. And definitely don't have him move in or sharing finances.

You could have a surprise wedding on your hands here OP, then all the POAs and the will would count for nothing, himself gets the lot.

I’m older than your mum, I’ve seen it happen.

Time is indeed of the essence.

I think he’s had enough benefit of the doubt now. I’d be very on guard about him.

I think that the group warning her off him is interesting. I’d go with your gut here. Could your mum come and stay with you for a bit, alone?

Also it’s never too late to have this kind of conversation.

I don’t get how she thinks she’s fallen for him when they argue, she acknowledges he’s so full on and she had to balance meeting him with her (very healthy sounding) life. Their losses both sound too recent and they both sound too different. I’d have a chat to her personally

The guy she’s started dating is very intense and was wanting to spend all of his time with her so she was finding it hard to balance all the other commitments. I talked a lot to her about seeing it from his perspective as he has also lost his wife around 18 months ago.

She had also said previously that lots of people disliked him because he often says the wrong thing and could be taken as rude / abrupt etc, that perhaps he was slightly lacked social skills. I again said well you know him in a different way so go with the your gut

Your intentions were good but I think you have been a bit too encouraging of this relationship. Him being intense so quickly and being disliked by so many should have been red flags.

Now it’s time to row back and tell your mum about this man’s red flags.

I think if my DCs told me they'd shared concerns about me on social media and sat me down to read them, I'd be furious! I've lived through far more than they have and don't want to hear the opinions of a load of strangers who've only heard one side of the story. Sorry, but this wouldn't work for me at all.

Incredibly odd. It's something he should be doing alone / with his own DC (although you don't mention if he has children?)

Do you think he is purposely trying to keep your DM busy whilst you are visiting so you aren't able to spend much time together?

Can you outright say to your mum "I'm only here for a few more days, please can we spend some proper time together?"

He is 73 years old, he is not going to change. He is already a finished product.

Even if he is autistic that's one aspect, the other aspect is his actual personality - he is fixed in his rude ways and over-riding your mum's wishes.

I think your mum is a kind and lovely person looking for excuses as to why he is so rigid. But she doesn't have to accept any of this, she can meet a much nicer man.

Did his wife become disabled through scoliosis or did he isolate and diminish her? I wonder what her friends would say?

Does he have kids - does he see them?

Him being rude and abrupt is not about lacking social skills. It is his personality.

A lack of social skills just means he isn't covering up his rude abrupt personality under a social veneer.

The one person I'd listen to, above anyone else, is my daughter. Please try to get through to her while you still have a chance.
I really don't like the way she is already choosing him above you (as evidenced by choosing to visit his dead wife's grave instead of spending the day with you).
Be truthful because t don't fall out with her because that may play right into his narrative.

First of all, get a whole day with your mum and without him. Secondly, I would be honest about what was going through your mind earlier, when you encouraged the relationship and what you fear is happening now.

Ask if he has shown any interest in her finances. Whose idea was it for him to have access to the key safe?

If she tells you the story paying attention to what he’s done and what he’s suggested, she might see it more clearly than you outlining things- but do do that if she doesn’t. Be blunt if necessary. @AurumVox there are podcasts about this sort of thing, Shari Val has done some investigating into it for You and Yours and there are standalone ones too. It’s not rare, unfortunately. Also second the suggestion to ask for a Clare’s Law disclosure.

Why did you encourage her to see someone when she was raising massive red flags?

He's going to be a lot harder to get rid of now, the alternative is that he ends up isolating your mother from good friends and family.

@AurumVox he is worng one ! He is so insecure in himself he wants to knock your mum down a peg or two to feel better about himself and it won’t work .
You care about your mum so much you are worrying too much . When you really need to see it and tell her for what it is .
You need to try gently and get her away from
him. She is vulnerable after loosing your dad and this horrible mane plays on that like his type do.

(Sorry, am just reading your posts OP and jumping in...)

This isn't just 'being a bit rude', it's deep misogynistic male behaviour! He doesn't like women not listening to him! He doesn't like women talking!

I would do a Clare's Law request asap. He has tried to isolate your mum already as you are not able to spend time with her on your own. Visit her as much as possible and also ask her to come and stay with you after she has changed her home key code.

I would be wary of him trying to create a fall out between you and your mum. Sounds like he likes her to himself.

Make sure her finances and assets are secure.

Trust your gut OP. You sound like a lovely daughter.

Abusive behaviour doesn’t become less abusive for the victim if the perpetrator is autistic.

@Blueblell @EdisinBurgh

Excellent posts!

OP time is of the essence. Show her this thread. Highlight the concerns regarding his love bombing, isolating her, accessing her home etc.

PP have raised excellent points. She needs to know her concerns are valid. She needs support to end this relationship. He will undoubtedly take it badly.

I’ve been thinking about this OP and I don’t want to make you more worried and upset than you already are, but in order to get your point across to your mum now, I think this is necessary.

I think when you do talk to your mum (and it needs to be ASAP), you need to start with a big apology.

I have re-read your first post and you really have repeatedly tamped down on all her initial misgivings and caused her to question her own judgement.

You basically gave this man your seal of approval before you’d even met him and I think it had given him the green light and now she says she has “fallen for him” in her mind you gave her permission to. You gave your blessing.

It’s going to feel a bit rich to her that you are now saying you have strong concerns.

But say it you must.
All this needs to be undone carefully, urgently, with humility but firmly.

You only had good intentions, and wanted the best for your mum, but I think you have been naive and I actually wonder about your own boundaries (this may be worth exploring at a future date).

I think you can explain all of this to your mum. I would be very honest.

But however she (and you) got here. It is not too late to change course.

It may even help her if this is your mistake.

edited to add: I’m sorry it really spun like I am blaming you here and I don’t mean to. He has been lovebombing your mum and she is a grown woman with her own mind too. I just think this might be an effective way to approach it with her.
and you are obviously a wonderful, caring daughter.

The guy she’s started dating is very intense and was wanting to spend all of his time with her so she was finding it hard to balance all the other commitments. I talked a lot to her about seeing it from his perspective as he has also lost his wife around 18 months ago.

This is a red flag in itself, and implies that he is just looking for somebody to quickly fill his wife's shoes.

There is a vacancy and your mother has just been recruited to fill a role that he has already defined.

He doesn't even need to be particularly 'evil' to act like this. Just be a man without much self awareness or empathy.

I think that even if he were autistic and unaware (but it seems that's not the scenario exactly) - what is the material difference in how that affects her life?

Can you encourage her to visualise how this is going to go? He won't and can't change. He has been unbearable with you, her daughter, arguably the one person he should be getting 'on side'! What's already happened is that you don't want to be around him, or them. Projecting forward, you wouldn't be present as much. Her friends, who have already flagged this up with her, will disperse. Can she, at 68, afford in social terms to be without (or with far less) female friendship and family?

And he's 73. Once he's got her isolated, all she will have to do is look after him in his old age. It would be an absolute no from me, I have to say.

All the very best, I know this is tricky. But this man is not her responsibility. It isn't her responsibility if he's neurodivergent and needs a degree of understanding. He seems far beyond that.